Is this amount of disappointment normal?

[teasconesandlavender]

Hi,

I’m on my third cycle TTC first time. Tracking with OPKs for the last two cycles. I’m 31.

I’m 12DPO today. Tested yesterday morning with FRER, BFN. Tested again this morning with Boots early detection, BFN. No period yet, but this is pretty definitive.

However, last night, I broke down. I was so upset and devastated, and really started to believe this will never happen for me. I just can’t understand why it hasn’t happened yet. My cycles are regular. I’ve never been on hormonal contraception.

I know that it can take up to a year for it to happen. I just didn’t believe this would really be the case. So many women say they got pregnant in the first or second cycle. I just assumed that if it took longer than say, 6 months, it was either poor luck or an obvious reason. I listened to a podcast led by a fertility specialist who said that couples who aren’t pregnant after 6 months are less likely to become pregnant in 12 months. Something about fecundability(?). I think hearing that statistic really got to me.

I just feel ashamed of myself. If that makes sense? Like, ashamed that my body isn’t doing the one job it’s supposed to do. I have always imagined become a mum was just a given, and I don’t have any identity outside of this.

This is just a ramble, and probably out of touch, I know. I have no women whom I can talk to about this IRL. Just looking for solidarity, I think.

With kindness, OP, it has only been 3 tries. I totally understand the disappointment, and it’s as “normal” as any feeling about conceiving is. There is no “normal” really, in the process of trying to have a baby. I wish you all of the luck and please be kind to yourself and your body - 3 months is a very, very short amount of time in the grand scheme of falling & remaining pregnant.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Breathe and take a step back.

It is completely normal for conception to take way more than three months. Turn off the pseudo science on Google.

As a lot of women trying to conceive are you sounds very invested, stressed and way too much testing. This over mental involvement is detrimental to trying to conceive.

I have seen this in so many women and many take a long time to conceive without anything ‘wrong’ with them. People are happy to shout about it only taking them a few months but I know many women who took up to a year. This is very normal.

There is nothing wrong. Take a step back and breathe.

Try ttc for over a year. For one of my friends, they’d been trying for 8. With kindness, I don’t think 3 attempts is all that long. I think 8 years is too long without medical intervention however. I’d say give it another 6 months and if it hasn’t been successful, make an appointment with your GP and have fertility investigations. Best of luck x

Thank you for the responses.

I am very invested - probably good advice to step away from the pseudo-science, I know.

I’ve been seeing pregnancy and birth announcements within my wider circle of friends and family a lot over the last few months - it’s just really hard.

I appreciate that there are women who have been trying for several months, even years - I cannot imagine the toll it must take on you, when I’m feeling like this after three months!

I’ll give my head a wobble.

Maybe mute or take a break from social media for a bit. You gotta protect your emotional wellbeing.

It's so tricky OP, it's natural to invest your time in it when it's all you've ever wanted. However, 3 tries is honestly not many at all, you are just at the beginning really. It may feel a long time as it's 3 months but remember we only ovulate once each cycle so it really is only 3 tries. I think I read that providing all the right conditions, it is still only around a 25% chance to conceive each cycle.

Took 2 years for my first and I was booked in for fertility tests, then within a few weeks of the GP appointment before I’d even got the referral letter, I got a positive. With my second baby, I had what I thought was a hangover that seemed to last a bit too long so tested. Turns out I was pregnant. So just goes to show that things are different every time, even with the same person. Please don’t feel too discouraged.

Thank you.

I just wish I knew why - why do some women, conceive immediately and then other women, who are just as healthy, take months? I wonder the same thing about subsequent pregnancies, too. How some women conceive easily first time, and take months for their second, or vice versa.

Honestly I don’t think anyone knows. I think doing tracking; tests etc when you start trying is not a good idea. I’d personally suggest you bin all the tests and have sex every 1-2 days once your period ends. Then wait until your period is late to buy a test. Get off social media. Plan some fun date nights; see your friends, do some projects like home decorating or garden or a new hobby. A year is entirely normal and doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong

And no I don’t think your level of disappointment is normal. If it is really affecting you, you might want to consider some counselling as I worry how you would cope in the event it does take longer to conceive or you were to have a miscarriage.

Well one thing is the reasons are not always to do with the woman!

Please don’t be beating yourself up that your body is ‘not doing what it should’ when it has been a really short time

9-12 months is average, and many take longer

Stress does not help conception. I finally got a bfp after a ‘do almost nothing’ holiday about a year after we started trying, I was 32 so similar age

We spend our late teens and twenties desperately doing everything to an avoid pregnancy and as a result have this ingrained idea that unprotected sex always leads to a baby, which of course it does not.

However I would caution you to reassess your thinking, you say you “feel ashamed of yourself” and why do you”some women” conceive easily.

It takes two to make a baby.

The vast majority of couples your age will conceive within a year.

For those that don’t, most of the rest will conceive in 2 years.

For those with issues roughly:

30% are issues with female fertility
30% are issue with male fertility
30% are issues with both
10% unexplained

If you do have an issue (unlikely after 3 months) its as likely to be his issue as yours.

I wasted best part of a year on the sticks trying to predict when I was most fertile. Went to (a very expensive) fertility dr and he said ditch the sticks, have sex every other day for a month. Bingo.

Im not saying this in a mean way, I really do sympathise.

But maybe get some therapy to explore forming an identity outside of potential motherhood. For two good reasons. One nature is cruel sometimes and sometimes healthy people have trouble conceiving for no good reason. Secondly if you do have a baby it’s wonderful but hard and consuming and honestly for your sanity having something outside of motherhood is very healthy for you and your potential child. It’s a lot of pressure on a child to be so linked to their mother’s identity.

Good luck!

I haven't read the whole thread. But from someone who was trying to get pregnant, the one thing that worked for me, was to stop tracking !! Checking the ovulation sticks all the time. If you're having regular sex, every other day, then there will be sperm to meet the eegg.if you want to just have sex regularly around ovulation time, then look for other body changes, like your cervical mucus.

Thank you, I appreciate all of the thoughtful responses.

A good point made up thread about placing emphasis and blame on myself as a woman. You’re totally right - it takes two!

A very good suggestion to bin all the ovulation tests etc. I think part of what is affecting me, is having this belief I’m doing everything “right”, e.g., timing, but then it still not happening. I interpret that as “failing”, which is silly and of course not true.

Hey OP I totally understand the disappointment and you’re absolutely within your rights to feel that way especially when so many people around you seem to be falling pregnant quickly. It took me 3 years to conceive my daughter and it felt like everyone and their dog fell pregnant within that time. Try not to compare yourself to other though because every body is different and 3 months is such a short period of time. I would say these days it’s so much more common for it to take a bit longer than the internet says. Just keep doing what you’re doing and if you get worried about your fertility you can book a fertility check with your gp at any time 😊

My thinking was not testing or tracking initially to ‘save’ it for if no pregnancy in say 6 months. And not ruin your sex life too soon by lots of scheduling!

I am on my 5th cycle trying and I was the exact same after the third month like literally spiralling because it hasn’t happened after 3 tries! However, since that I have been a lot more relaxed and now I’m not even tracking or symptom spotting, I am just having sex and putting faith into the world that it will happen for me! I couldn’t keep living like that I was driving myself to insanity and it was taking over my life! I feel much better now I have stopped being an absolute psycho and honestly recommend doing the same !

Well that statistic makes 0 sense. Of course couples who don’t conceive within 6 months are more likely to not conceive after 12… compared to the other group who have conceived before 6 months and therefore obviously have already conceived within 12.

Yeah. I think reaching the three month mark gives you the sudden realisation that you’re not in the “happens immediately” camp, and thus have to accept it could be another three months!

It is such a mentally tolling process.