Trying to conceive is straining our relationship after nearly a year

[Yesmaybenoprobs]

Hello,

I’m in my mid-30s and DH and I have been trying for a baby for almost a year, with no luck so far.

It’s starting to put a real strain on our relationship, and I’m worried we’ve handled some things badly. Part of me is also wondering whether DH is genuinely ready for a baby.

He never seems as disappointed as I am when my period arrives. He usually stays positive and says things like, “I’m sure it’ll happen next month.”

He has also become frustrated because he feels we only have sex around ovulation. He says it makes him feel as though I don’t really want him. I do want him, but honestly, I haven’t felt particularly interested in sex outside the fertile window recently.

I also told him that I would love him even more if he gave me a baby, which annoyed him.

I’ve also commented on the amount he ejaculates a few times and asked why there sometimes doesn’t seem to be very much. He seems massively touchy about that.

He’s grumpy, I’m anxious, and it feels as though we’re constantly rubbing each other up the wrong way.

Times running out and I’m starting to think it will never happen.

I'm not surprised he's struggling - you've pretty much told him that you only want him if he can give you a baby!
Maybe it's time to pause the attempts to conceive, and concentrate on your actual marriage to your very patient husband?

I mean you're being kinda shitty op.

I agree with the PP - poor man, you’re using him as a sperm donor and he’s probably feeling quite fed up with the whole thing. I understand it’s frustrating when you really want a baby but please give the poor man a bit of affection that isn’t centred around the efficacy of his ejaculation/sperm.

Ooooofffff....
I’m worried we’ve handled some things badly.

You have handled this poorly.

I would step back, reflect, apologise and take a break to reset.

Blimey op. Time for some reflection and a rethink? You only want him for his sperm by the sound of it. No wonder he’s a bit upset! Do you actually love him and be with him? What happens if a baby is not possible/does not happen?

So you’ve basically told him he’s not really good enough if he doesn’t ‘give’ you a baby??
I presume you’ve not had any investigations into why it might not have happened yet?? And yet you seem to be already trying to blame him.
I am not surprised he is starting to get pissed off and wondering whether you are the right person to have a family with.

Maybe I’ve been a little insensitive but maybe it also seems worse writing it all down as it’s not like I hit him with everything all at once.

I do want to be with him, I can’t remember how it came about but I did say I’d still want to be with him even if it didn’t happen.

All I’ve wanted is a baby and we’ve been married 7 years, I’ve waited patiently.

If he's infertile, would you leave him?

Poor bloke!

This is even worse!! A little insensitive? Your desperation to be pregnant is possibly having more of an effect on your failure to concieve than anything else. The drip, drip is even worse than a one off rant. You've waited patiently? I can see why he is frustrated.

Wow only a nutcase would say things like that. No wonder he’s pissed off.

You sound absolutely horrible. A woman posting about her DH behaving this way would be told to LTB.

How old are you? For the sake of your relationship it may be best to put a pause on TTC for now, and stop tracking etc - it may still happen but takes all the pressure off.

Surely seeing it all written down you can see why he is upset?

I’m thinking the same!!!!!!
you need to be having a loving relationship at the time not just around that fertility window and on demand
he’ll feel like a sperm donor and saying stuff like “I’d love you more if you gave me a baby” - that’s a horrible and hurtful thing to say.

If you don’t fancy him do not keep trying for a baby - it won’t get any easier with a baby.

Not on demand that should say!

Tell him it’s natural human biology that women are hornier around ovulation

Respectfully, a year isn’t too long. HOWEVER, I would now consider going to your GP or getting private fertility investigations going as it sounds like there could be some medical reasons why you’re not conceiving.

As for your partner, I think you’ve been pretty insensitive and cruel towards him. You sound very “me me me, I want a baby, and that’s all that matters”

You’ve basically told him that all he’s good for is making you pregnant, as if he’s the only person responsible for you conceiving. I’m surprised he’s still sticking with you tbh.

This as well
perhaps he’s not that bothered you haven’t fallen pregnant because he isn’t that happy and who could blame him!

You have got to be kidding! Many men would run a mile if you said those things to them.

Bloody hell ! This man needs to run very very fast away from you

I think it’s all top Intense just now. He’s struggling with the feeling used and not wanted if he doesn’t perform. You have made him feel bad and I understand the time is running out feeling but you still need to plan for intimacy not just baby making.

It’s not nice to hear but I think maybe pause on trying to conceive just now and remember to try live and have fun. I’m not meaning that to sound unkind but you’ve put so much effort into trying around ovulation that it’s making it feel more like a chore than being in love
and being intimate. Maybe take a month or two off trying, go on date nights/ nice nights in and just relax and enjoy being together.

If he “gave you a baby”?? What if the problem is with you? I don’t mean that horribly but it takes two to make a baby. If you’re infertile he cannot give you a baby no matter what he does.

You’re putting way too much pressure on him, you need to stop. If it happens it happens. If it doesn’t it doesn’t. How is he supposed to feel if you aren’t interested in sex if you’re not ovulating? I’d feel used if I were him, and I’m sure he does too. The pressure needs to come way way way off.

listen, I had a loss three years ago and I told my partner I wanted a baby in the next few years. The pressure he felt was so much that he was absolutely miserable. He wasn’t ready and he felt that bad we just stopped having sex and broke up for a bit - in which time we were miserable without each other. I’ve taken that pressure off, and we are enjoying our lives together, because being so obsessed with having a baby was putting strain on us, because of what I wanted. It’s not just about what I want, it’s about what WE want. It’s about what he wants too because I love him and he’s my other half. You gotta chill out about it and enjoy what you have NOW.

Could it be worth you both doing some testing? We are somewhat in the same boat and so have booked some health screenings just to get the data to better understand what is going on - has felt like a good practical first step