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Original poster

So........how do we break the news to DS1?

34 replies

SpanishFly · 22/08/2017 17:58

I have said for years that I would never EVER sit down my kids and tell them the truth about Santa, as I wouldnt be the one to burst their bubble, and they'd manage to work it out on their own - just as I did as a child.

However my DS1 aged 12 is now at secondary school, and I'm not convinced he knows for sure. He has Aspergers, and I'm not sure if he'd definitely work it out for himself. I know that most kids that age know the truth, and so I'm just a bit concerned that he'd get slated and be mortified at school if we leave things as they are.

Any tips on what we should do?
Sit him down and tell him?
Assume he knows and leave him to it (worrying about him being picked on at school)?
Double bluff it, and talk to him as if we KNOW that he knows the truth and get him in on the act and keeping the magic alive for DS2 in December?

It's so hard to know what to do. Confused

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BackieJerkhart · 22/08/2017 18:02

You have to sit him down and tell him. It's part of the deal you made when you decided make santa up. Time to put on your big Mum pants and do the hard part of the game.

He will get slaughtered at school if anyone finds out he still believes. Don't set him up for that. Be kind and tell him before he starts. No silly bluffing acts either, he will only be confused. Tell him straight.

Original poster
SpanishFly · 22/08/2017 18:16

Isn't there a nicer way than just sitting them down and telling them?

I KNOW he can't be at high school and still believe this year. And as I said, I'm not convinced about whether he does.

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SideOrderofSprouts · 22/08/2017 18:19

Nope I told my eldest in the car

theboud · 22/08/2017 18:20

I've seen letters online that explain 'The secret' and how once you know you are a secret keeper for younger siblings etc. Would that be easier? I know my DS finds it difficult to talk about emotional stuff and would rather read something that he can process privately and then discuss any questions he has.

NC4now · 22/08/2017 18:24

Oh yes, I've seen those secret keeper stories too. They are nice. It makes it into a rite of passage for them.
You could take him to buy some Christmas presents and explain he can still have all the Christmassy loveliness, the traditions etc.
DS1 had a friend in high school who still believed in Santa. It was cute but he got ribbed mercilessly, poor kid.

Marlo83 · 22/08/2017 18:31

Secret keeper is a great idea especially helping him find a gift to give to someone in secret (acting as Santa himself).

Marlo83 · 22/08/2017 18:31

Sorry not actually acting as Santa 🎅

SimplyNigella · 22/08/2017 22:29

What about a book like this?

Brittbugs80 · 23/08/2017 09:41

There's a letter on Pinterest that I'm planning to use and it basically says that Father Christmas isn't one person. Father Christmas is the collective for everyone who shares the magic, excitement and love for Christmas and that now that person your telling is old enough, they too can become it.

Or something like that! It's definitely on Pinterest though

Original poster
SpanishFly · 23/08/2017 11:56

Some lovely ideas here, thank you. 😍😍

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Aebj · 23/08/2017 12:03

Watching with interest. Ds 2 will be 12 in November. He is austic and I think he still believes. However he's not really a social butterfly so I don't think others will know or tell him. Being the youngest he isn't able to keep the dream alive for younger siblings.
I never really told ds1. He worked it out for himself. He's got the job as the Dream keeper!
Good luck op

Original poster
SpanishFly · 23/08/2017 12:34

Sounds like we're in a very similar position re the way their minds work and how it doesn't matter to them that it isn't logical x

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Oncewaswho · 23/08/2017 12:44

I was in this position too when my autistic DS was off to secondary school. Secret keeper etc wouldn't have worked as his younger sibling had already sussed it out and all his cousins are older. Also I didn't know about the stories anyway. I just had to say to him, have you ever thought about how this all works, how Santa gets down chimneys all over the world at the same time etc. He wasn't very happy about it and the next couple of years were slightly awkward as he didn't want to play along once he knew but it's all fine now. What I would say is do it a long time before Christmas, like now, so it is all out of the way before the excitement starts for the year.

Original poster
SpanishFly · 23/08/2017 13:34

It's interesting actually, as much as we've always known DS was autistic, we've only recently had a diagnosis, so it's only this year that we're finally seeing that it's connected to his ASD, and he's not just trying hard to keep believing

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bananacakerocks · 23/08/2017 13:47

I said to DS (9) after last Christmas in a conversational tone "you know it's parents" assuming that he already knew as he'd asked about it a few times before. He was very cross with me as he did believe he was real and we had lots of tears. It took us a couple of conversations to smooth it over (he also has ASD) and worked it out so that he is older and so knows the truth but mustn't spoil it for younger children who still believe.

As we've started to talk about Christmas this year, I've a asked him if he still wants some presents from FC but he's said no, which is fine. I'll ask him on Christmas Eve though whether he wants me to leave his presents at the end of his bed before he goes to sleep or for them to come during the night like usually happens.

We also discussed the Tooth Fairy and other stories that parents make up to make childhood more magical and he seems to be happy now with the grown up knowledge.

It's never really sat well with me as we have a very strict "no lying" policy in our house and we often say that we're a team which this could have undone his trust in me, but luckily it hasn't.

I saw a beautiful post by a lady saying that in her house, she and the children choose people to receive secret presents from FC which I think it's a lovely idea.

Good luck OP!

NC4now · 23/08/2017 13:52

See my DS has autism and hasn't believed for years. He's also a devout atheist, despite being brought up RC. He's very logical so if he can't see it or explain it it must not be true.

Like they say, you know one child with autism and you know one child with autism.

Original poster
SpanishFly · 23/08/2017 14:18

I know. I always said to DH that he wouldn't believe for long, as he questions and researches so many things. Yet Santa? Yup, he must be real. Otherwise how could the presents appear during the night from literally nowhere the bottom of my wardrobe in bin bags

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Original poster
SpanishFly · 23/08/2017 14:19

banana similarly, that's what I'm most bothered about - that there are no lies - my 7yr old does a bloody good job of trying though - and nobody tells anyone to keep a secret unless it's a gift or surprise party type of thing. So I'm not sure how he'll take it.

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Annwithnoe · 23/08/2017 15:37

There are quite a few books and movies that give the game away or drop broad hints that might cause him to question things. Maybe this would get the conversation started?

If you decide to have a direct conversation maybe go along the lines of "now that you're 12 you're old enough to be let in on one of the world's greatest secrets...Santa isn't just one person he's an idea..."
I'd say that we tell little children that he's a person because they are too little to understand it all (so it's not a lie, just an unfolding truth that he's now old enough to grasp)
And I'd emphasise his responsibility to never tell a child younger than him. (But give him a few options of grown ups to talk with so he doesn't get overwhelmed with the secret)
And if he doesn't have younger siblings then get involved in a charity that gives presents to less fortunate children so he can pick something out and be someone's Santa.

junebirthdaygirl · 23/08/2017 17:58

I wouldnt be adding to his confusion by saying Santa is an idea.With asd this may be something he wont get his head around and you want him to be clear. Just tell him straight that now he is 12 you are going to let him in on a secret. Its just a game. He will be thoroughly confused if you start making up another story. And do it now before he goes to secondary and well before Christmas. If you dont male a big drama he may take it well.

Original poster
SpanishFly · 23/08/2017 18:09

He's started secondary already, that's why it was fairy urgent.

Anyway, we've had the chat 😣
He lost a tooth so we pounced on that as a way to start the chat. He said oh I know the tooth fairy isn't real, so can we just do a transaction now and swap my tooth for money 😂

But then we said, and the other thing that..... And he said Aw don't say Santa. I honestly could have cried.
So we told him Santa on a sleigh etc doesn't really happen and we put out the presents on Xmas eve.
Tbh I think that was the worst bit, as he loved the idea of this magical way of everything happening.

I know we had to do it, but I'm so gutted he doesn't believe now, he looked so disappointed. I know he'll be fine but it feels like I've punched him 😔

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haba · 23/08/2017 18:13

Aw- can you get him on board to be a "magic maker" for his siblings?
It was actually my youngest who found out first, and he was so excited about helping with his sister's stocking etc.
He was gutted when she found out mid-August! Wink

NC4now · 23/08/2017 18:23

Aww that brought a little tear to my eye. You've done good, and much better he knows now than in the run up to Christmas.

We enjoy Christmas just as much now they know. It's a new phase where they get to be part of the choosing and giving of gifts.

Also, now they know it's me I make a big play of 'You'd better be good, because FATHER CHRISTMAS (wink) sees everything'. Usually met with an eyeroll and a laugh.

There's still so much fun to be had.

ReinettePompadour · 23/08/2017 18:24

I told mine the story of St Nicholas and said that as he lived a very long time ago, when he died everyone decided he was such a kind man giving gifts to poor people that we decided to carry on giving gifts every year to remember what he did.

To be fair I have always said this since the dc were tiny so its something they grew up knowing.

Original poster
SpanishFly · 23/08/2017 18:34

Yes we'll get him on board to be a magic maker. He'll enjoy that.
I just feel like I've spoiled it for him. ok so we started the lie in the first place but still.

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