8 year old autistic son and social services

[Julija198803]

Hello
I have an 8 year old son he got diagnoses with autism at 5 years old. He still wearing pull ups all the time. And he doesn't take showers or baths. I have to wipe him down. By gp we been referred to bowel and continence team. We had 5 appointments with a team and now she referred us to early help. Today I received a phone call from social services. She asked some questions like what do I think is wrong with my son, when I said he got autism she sounded like she didn't know that. I don't know what I'm trying to ask but I'm so scared of social services. All I was trying to do is get a support I need but not a social services. Am I in some kind of trouble because of my little boys toilet problems and hygiene? She said she will call me on Monday to tell me what's been decided, but I can't sleep because I'm so worried about it. Is there anybody else been in similar situations?

Thank you

Social Service will try to sort the help your son needs and work with you. Try not to worry.

At 8 he is still small enough for you to insist on a shower or bath; wiping him down isn't enough. I have my own autistic son who hates water on his skin and at that age he bathed on Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday in a strict routine.

Is he verbal? What happens when you try toilet training?

Mind you Early Help will be supportive and helpful. They aren't trying to take your son away, they will just try to support you in managing.

A wet wash wipe down is perfectly fine How do you think bed bound people manage?

They can put up quite a strong fight at 8yo. Wouldn't risk injuries or loose child's trust.

@TerribleWoman You do realise not all Autistic Children are the same, right?!
OP, please try not to worry - you won't be in trouble. Social services will help

Early Help ate genuinely there to help.

Being a mum of an autistic child can be really difficult and a lot of the normal advice for parenting just doesn't work. Sometime parents can get too overwhelmed and can't cope any more and that's not good for the child. The Early Help team know that the best thing for your child is for you to get the support you need so you can continue being a brilliant parent. They aren't trying to take your child away they are trying to make sure that's never necessary to even consider.

Thank you all for taking time to reply. I'll try not to worry.
I was trying to teach my son since he was two years old to go to toilet, not only me who tried but it was childminder, nursery, reception in year 1,2, and 3. But all it looks like that he is not ready to go and still not ready. Taking a bath or shower is out of the question for him I tried many times but finding it it's hard for him to bear a water on his skin so that's why I wipe him down as I don't want to stress him. He is verbal but he will never say why he can't go to toilet or have showers, when I do ask him he starts to shout and scream or try change conversation. He is quite clever boy he knows and remembers lots of things but simple things he just can't do it. I don't know why.

Thank you all again

Of course I do, and I also understand there are health and safety red lines in parenting any child. If he was distressed by wearing a seatbelt would you advocate not wearing one? A verbal autistic child should not be enabled by age 8 to not ever wash. It's a completely different scenario from a bedbound person (and they would have a bedbath which is not the same as being wiped with wipes). My own autistic adult loathes bathing. We make it as least bad as we can - warm towel, bubble bath, water the most acceptable temperature, a bath is acceptable over a shower. But there is no way he is going the rest of his life not bathing.

To me an autistic child may not understand the bigger picture. Yes the water feels horrible. But so does being bullied for being smelly. How is his hair being washed? What will happen when puberty kicks in and he gets BO? How can I help you with this? What makes it more tolerable?

Trust me I tried the medical wipes and the dry shampoo caps for my lad. Once they get to 14 or 15 it's not appropriate to wipe their bits - they deserve privacy and dignity - and my son can't be relied on to use the wipes effectively. At least in the bath, even if he is just sitting there it's more effective with soap in the water than not using a wipe on genitals and armpits.

Feel for you op this is so difficult

Have you tried (I'm sure to have)...:

A paddling pool in the living room instead of the bath or shower

Goggles, big ones, small ones, builders type, snorkels kind

Nope e cancelling headphones and or music playing

Light up toys in the water

Try him with clothes on for a bit then gradually take an item off each attempt

Colour changing colours for the water so could try different colours perhaps he could help make the bath water with you

One of those cider caps for the water and or a shower cap

Reward chart

I tried everything, just for him to have a wash. With my son is quite hard, he would have a wash outside in paddling pool but not inside. I do understand that he needs to have a bath or shower. I tried going to big swimming pools all he done is wet his feet and nothing more. When he was younger he used to love baths with his toys and bubbles. But since he was 6 he stopped loving it for no reason at all. All I know is everything water touches his skin it makes him shake and be very scared of it. That's the reason I've been asking for help from gp, other medical teams but i didn't know they will refer me to early help which includes social services. All I'm trying to do is help my little boy.

Just wanted to say it sounds like you’re doing a fantastic job in difficult circumstances.

No advice OP but to me you sound like a brilliant and caring mum

Social services don't just take children away. They have different teams and can offer help and support and can be a great positive at signposting and refering you on to other support agencies. Having their input is important with the issues you are having

O, of course you’re not in trouble. SS don’t only exist to punish, they are there to help. Your situation is really difficult and will become more so as your child gets older. Hopefully they will offer you support.

Haa he been seen by an OT trained in sensory integration?

If not, when early help call back, explain you think this would help and could social care fund it.

Don't be scared of social services. Their role is to coordinate services on complex cases. They are wanting to help you, not judge or take your child away.

Many children with server or complex needs need a social worker. It's someone who makes a plan to say (for example"
Continence team, you do this
Housing, you work with mum on changes needed to the home
School, you put this support in place
SALT team, you do this work with the child
SEND service, you put this in place.

You, as parent, may not be able to direct and command services like this. But a social worker can. This is what a Child In Need Plan may look like. It's a social worker making a plan to support a child in getting targeted services.

What a stupid comparison @TerribleWoman . No one died from have a wipe down rather than a bath. You wear a seat belt to avoid death. You do you with your son and leave the OP alone. She is doing what's best for her son and having him in complete meltdown from being forced in the bath is going to completely traumatise him and he'd lose all trust in the OP, it would not help him BO or no BO. And the answer to BO issues in an ASD teen IME is a 3-5 day deodorant that eliminates BO like Trust.

Honestly OP some people on here are complete muppets. It sounds like you're doing a great job by going by his needs. Please do not feel you should force him in the bath. They will not try to take your ds away from you, hopefully they will give you some support.

Thank you all for your messages

If that's what social services will do help me to get help I need for my son then I'm looking forward of hearing back from them on Monday. Thank you for kind words as well I really need it to hear it.

Thank you

Try not to worry. They will be involved to assess exactly how severe your son's issues are and if there's any extra support they might need. They don't remove abused children when they know they are abuse, they won't remove a kid for not showering/bathing that is being cleaned.

The water issues. Is it any water in all circumstances? So cold ,hot, luke warm? In the sink, paddling pool , bath , swimming pool etc? Quantity of water? Source of water? Does he wash his hands?

It's difficult but they will support you to break the cycle. Not showering or bathing long term just isn't appropriate. You need to have red lines. As for the nappies, if he's verbal then he should have capacity to learn, it just may need specific intervention. My dd was 8 before she was even vaguely reliable with toileting so I get that, and she fought bathing but it was non negotiable and I bribed her basically, no computer until she showered. I used bribery a lot!

Water needs to be close to cold water when he was in paddling pool. When it comes washing his hands is quite complicated waster needs to be in my hands first then his water needs to be cold. Yes I did try to wash him like this like I wash his hands but trust me it's not that easy to do that.
Bribery doesn't work with him

I taught severely autistic children in a special school for many years. Very many of the parents had a disability social worker supporting them, so please don't read any more into this than them wanting to help you and your son.