What's the etiquette with babysitters having their boyfriends over whilst sitting?

[Drusilla]

Our 15 yr old babysitter K sat for DS on Weds. All fine, DS happy etc. This morning DS told me that he met K's friend J who had a motorbike and helped K carry DS's books upstairs when he went to bed. I like K a lot - she is an intelligent, sensible girl. The family lived next doot to me until a few months but now live only a quarter of a mile away and when she sits for me her mum always stays in just in case. Her mum is lovely and wise and I trust her. All I want to do is ask her mum if she thinks this boy J is ok to be in my house when K is babysitting and if shw thinks he's ok I would be happy with that. But am I out of order to do that?! K's parents are quite strict and I don't want her to get into trouble or feel that she can't trust me. Or am I being completely over the top?! We are a forces family, DH is away at the mo and I am miles from family so I really want to keep using K for babysitting. Oh, and DS is a PFB!

I don't mind my babysitters having their BF's over - but then I know all my babysitters very well (and their parents) and trust them all not to get all "engrossed" in each other and forget about the DS's .

Although one of my babysitters a little while back did ask if it would be ok if her sister could come over and keep her company (as itwas a guaranteed very late night/early morning for me (babysitter is 20, the sister is late 20's - and a police officer - so pretty safe there I think )

No, no way would I let a 15yo babysitter have her boyfriend over while babysitting. She won't be looking after your dc, she'll be snogging her boyfriend on the sofa. If she wants to do that, tell her to do it in her own time, on her own patch.

I don't think there should be etiquette. You should decide what you want to do and stick to it.

Actually having said that only one of them (the one that's just turned 17) has had her BF over - I've met him though, and as the babysitter is the daughter of my bestfriend (who also knows the boyfriend very well) I trust them - they frequently look after her youngest children (similar age to mine) if BF and her DH are going out.

Hmm, I remember what I used to do at 15 and was babysitting with boyfriend over, wasn't studying that's for sure

I don't think you are being out of line to check up. K should have asked about the boyfriend in advance, and probably knows this - It is not OK to invite a stranger into somebody else's house without their permission.

I do agree that you should check up - my babysitters always ask if someone else can come over with them (apart from one who occasionally brings her twin sister with her - or another of my teenager babysitters - as they all happen to be friends) and I would want to meet them first regardless of who it was.

Hmmm, perhaps I should have a word with her mum. AFAIK the BF has been around for a few months so I'll see what she thinks of the situation. I just don't want K to feel I've been complaining about her behind her back because up till now I've been really happy with her and DS likes her.

Personally I wouldn't allow it, I think if you do allow him to stay you'll have to realise that they probably will snog.

I'm guessing from your post that you haven't met J & you weren't told in advance he might come by. Which would be a complete no-no for me (any babysitter, any age).

I would have a word with K and tell her you need to have met anyone she might want to bring round (this is entirely reasonable, particularly so given her age & the fact that K's mother chooses to do quiet back-up, thereby indicating that even K's mother thinks K is not completely ready to go it alone) - the reaction you will get will give you a very good sense of whether J is a good idea or not. (J himself will have a view on whether he wants to be shown off, and that will be very relevant.)

(My BF at 15 was charmingly described by my own parents as "wholesome". Little did they know. But he did a great job of being presentable when it mattered.)

I think that if K hadn't been a little concerned about whether it were OK to have her boyfriend over, he would have been there for the whole evening - presumably he arrived after you left and was gone when you returned?

Thanks for your opinions. Do you think I should speak to K then? Bink no, she didn't tell me he would be coming and he wasn't here when I got back. But she didn't sneak him in after DS had gone to bed so it must have occured to her that DS might tell me about him. DS only 3.5 btw.

"I think if you do allow him to stay you'll have to realise that they probably will snog."

• as long as they wait until my DS's are in bed I don't care what they do (within reason ) - my DS's rarely (if ever) come downstairs once in bed - preferring to stay upstairs and yell loudly lol.

Yes, speaking to K much better first step than speaking to K's mum.

This is it - I don't mind her snogging per se - I just want to know what this boy is like. That's why I wondered if it would be better to have a discreet word with her mother. If she says yes, he's lovely, we know him and like him etc then I would be ok with that. DS liked him, but he likes everyone!

I would be annoyed she didn't ask and sneaked him in. I would be talking to her about it, not her mother.

I would speak to her and let her know that you are not mad just a bit upset she didn't say and that you just want to meet him etc - I wouldn't go to her mum as could well end up loosing your baby sitter!

Oh dear, it is sad she didn't think to mention to you that your children would be around a strange man that evening :S He's probably very nice but if she's not said anything about it she clearly planned to deceive you, and that's slightly worrying.

With regards to the 'etiquette' - whenever I proxy parent (whether at the children's home or if I take them to a hotel in the holidays) my boyfriend stays / comes with me, but he knows the children I look after well.. It's great for the children and keeps me relatively sane when I have them on my own for 2 weeks. The little boy loves having someone to play cricket with too!

... I am a good sight older that 17 too though so probably less likely to spend the whole time snogging.
I must say it's slightly less romantic than our usual getaways as we end up sleeping with a four year old in between us!

i would speak to K not her mum

x

Ok, I'll have a word with her. Thanks everyone!

i think she is cheeky and dare i say iresponsible to invite her boyfriend over WITHOUT checking with you first

or even saying once you were back, oh my boyfriend popped in,hope that was ok

i would say to her that you would prefer her not to have him over till YOU have met him

and maybe bring up in passing with the mum,does K have a boyfriend etc and see what she says

and what would fivecandles say to this

boyfriend over and snogging while children awake and then asleep

I really wouldn't be happy about this situation. She should have asked and imho it's not at all acceptable.

TBH I'd rather babysitters didn't have boyfriends over even if they do ask....don't want them shagging on my sofa....!

You have to remember she's 15 - not a "professional" babysitter by any means, and maybe not mature enough to realise that she was being out of order.

There is a certain etiquette if you employ somebody who's in childcare as a career, who would NEVER invite guests into your home without first asking permission but she's obviously grabbing any time with her bloke that she can - and you can't really blame her for that!

She should've asked first if he could come around though. I think you should definitely have a word with her, if you speak with her Mum you may get her into trouble - also worth getting her side of it, he may not be a boyfriend as such, but a boy who is a friend.

I think it's up to you whether or not you let her have her boyfriend come over. But I think it is very important for her to ask you if she can have people over, who they are, how long they will be there for etc. before she invites them over.

imho if she is not mature/polite enough to ask if visitors are allowed - is she mature enough to look after children?

i have always said that 15 is too young to bs - if there was an emergancy/crisis they MAY not know what to do

though i agree there are mature teenagers about under 18