Settling in nightmare with childminder

[kateeea]

My DD is 15 months old and we started settling in with a childminder 3 weeks ago. First time went OK, we were there for 2 hours she was playing by my side and seemed happy. Before we were about to leave I popped to the loo and she had a complete meltdown, hysterically crying until I've gone back. The childminder picked her up but couldn't sooth her.
Since then she doesn't open up to the childminder, for 3 weeks we have been going twice a week and she plays while either myself or my MIL sits next to her, but doesn't go and play with the other kids or with the childminder.
Next week my MIL goes back home and we will not have help with my DD so I need to try to leave her there.. but so far the childminder couldn't even pick her up once as she just cries when she goes near her. (She's like this with strangers a lot of the times...)
What should I do? I'm scared if I leave her she will just be traumatised and not able to bond with the childminder but I have to work..
Even crossed my mind if a nursery setting would maybe be better for her?!
I'm at a loss of what to do.
Ps. The childminder is great, and trying her best she even came to our house one weekend for an hour so my DD can get used to her at her own safe space, but there wasn't any improvement after this..

Do you have a choice? Meant kindly, do you have a choice?

Honestly I think the extended settling with you there probably hasn't helped. Your DD needs to get used the environment without you there and the only way to do that is by not being there. Will she cry. Yes. Will it be traumatising, yes, but more for you than her.

Drop her off for a full day. Don't look back. Give it a week, then two. She'll settle eventually.

If you don't have a choice and you have to work you're just going to have to grit your teeth and do it. She'll cry, you'll cry but long term it'll work out for the best and you'll be the only one who remembers.

You’ve created the norm where she had you or your MIL there. Was the childminder in agreement with this, it’s pretty unusual for that many settling in with a family member there.
if you have no choice you need to bite the bullet and leave her. She needs the opportunity to build a relationship with the CM and vice versa.

Agree with PP- the extended settling with you there isn’t helping here. This is why most nurseries do hand over at the door and go, children tend to settle much quicker without a huge drawn out goodbye and they then learn this is a fun place independently rather than now where your child has learned its okay WITH you there.

I still remember how hard it was when my son was peeled off my front howling at the door to the nursery. Luckily for my sanity I could go and hide under the window where I was out of sight. I would hear him stop crying very quickly.

Thank you all for your comments.
A bit more details:
So the plan was to do 1 settling in session where I am there with her, and the next day I was meant to leave her for an hour or two. But after her meltdown on the first session where I popped to the loo, the next day she was crying so much when we walked in, I couldn't even put her down she was hysterical. She was holding on to me with both arms and legs lol

So the childminder suggested that my MIL goes with her so she's not as clingy, and that's how some improvement happened that she at least goes in now and plays a little.

I don't really have a choice in terms of she needing to go, I could try to work from home while she's with me but I have to do an office day once per week so that won't be possible.

That’s too prolonged a settling-in.

You’re going to just have to rip the plaster off.

Just go for it now, drop her off at the door say goodbye and come back in 2 hours.

I do feel your pain, honest. My DD is having her first settling in session with her childminder today (she's 10 months).

In comparison. My DH was back in 15 minutes after dropping her off, the minute she started bum shuffling over to play with the other kids he left without her seeing. You need to do that.

Rip off the plaster and get her in the childminders without you. She's always going to be upset if you're there.

Your child will never settle if you are there, you need doorstep drop off kiss say goodbye and go, you are causing your child trauma by staying.

I’ve had 3 kids with childminders - prolonged settling in is the worst thing you can do. Even if she’s screaming and crying you just have to walk away calmly and let her settle without you. I know it seems cruel but it is what is is and in a few days time she’ll be over it

I really wouldn't recommend sneaking off without your baby seeing - imagine her panic when she looks up and realises she's been left? You want her to trust in you that you'll say goodbye and then return - you don't want to cause anxiety that you might disappear at any moment.

I spent several months peeling a child off me at the childminders. Usually by the time I was at the car they were happily playing.

You need to leave lo with the childminder alone for a proper settling is session. Extended ones don’t help in the slightest. Yes, lo will be upset and it may be quite traumatic however she needs to get used to being there without you or mam.

don’t try and sneak off. Say a quick goodbye, I will see you later and leave. Don’t look back, don’t linger and contain your emotions. I know it will be hard but if she senses you’re upset then it will affect how she copes with things.

I’m a childminder and never do settling in with parents there. They come to visit me with lo, come again to do paperwork or go over things, again with lo. For the settling in I initially keep it to a couple of hours and advise that I will call them if lo becomes too upset or I feel we need to cut it short. Children need to get used to me without parents there. It’s really important that they see that, whilst there spending some time with me, mummy or daddy will be back later to take them home. It also begins our bonding process. We do handover at the door with a quick goodbye and parents leave even of the child is upset.

Another saying you need to leave her there. My DS has been going to nursery for a few months and still has days when I have to peel him off me at the door. Within 10 mins they always message to say he’s fine and quite often he’s reluctant to come home, if he’s busy playing!

Fair.

Sneaking works for us as it seems DD is worse with the anticipation of leaving rather than the actual leaving itself (we've tested with my parents and us hiding round the corner to see a reaction and she's fine).

Sneaking might not be the best for everyone. But the other points still stand :)

I feel for you. DD1 didn’t need any settling sessions, she was so independent and completely not one bit clingy. DD2 is a whole other story. She has her first session today where I’ll stay with her, I know she will go nuts when she gets left. She’s always gone to the gym crèche since about 5m old but since we moved house/gyms she’s not so content being left there, they came to get me out of the pool where I was with DD1 last week because she just wouldn’t settle.

My only advice (and I’ll be telling myself this) is that it’s worth it, pull the plaster and go. The child minder is great as you said, she will never be able to soothe your DD when DD knows mommy is there! It may be traumatising for her short term, but in the long term you are the adult and know she will be having a better time playing with the other children than being at home with you while you juggle wfh. Good luck.

I’m amazed the childminder went along with this.

I’ve been both the childcare provider and the parent in this situation. Usually as a nursery worker or nanny, the child would settle very quickly once mum had actually left. Maybe a little longer at first, but after a while, they’d literally be fine and have the best time the moment they saw that mum had left. There are the odd exceptions where they don’t settle long term, in which case you may have to reassess. But this is very very rare.
I completely understand, as a parent, how difficult it is to leave when they’re screaming and trying to reach for you, but the best way really is to just cheerily say “goodbye, love you, have a lovely day and see you later” - and leave. (Don’t look back or cry until you’re out of sight).

I'm amazed that the childminder is allowing you to come for the settling in sessions and for 3 weeks. It's disruptive to your child, disruptive for the childminder and disruptive for all the other children she looks after. No childminder or nursery I know would ever offer settling in sessions like this. It's usual to attend the initial session but thereafter you drop off for 2 hours or half a day gradually working to a full day.

Your child is never going to settle if you are always there. In the kindest possible way you need to leave your child and go. Quickly. I think the fact you have been doing this for 3 weeks has made it so much worse than it needs to be. Most children settle within a couple of weeks with no parent there.

As people said you’ve had a too long settling in session it is hard leaving children especially when they cry but it will be harded on you than her

longer you stay. the harder it will be for your child to settle with the cm

Even if you work from home, most companies are not allow you to look after children, especially a toddler who has needs and cannot be left alone independently to play for a long time

You drop her off walk away. Cry in the car if need be but not near so your child can see upset

your daughter and a childminder need to bond and settle is the only way if you’ve got to work.

Thank you all for your insights.
I think the childminder didn't want it to go to this length but perhaps didn't want to upset me by saying, or pushing things. She currently has a quiet period due to summer holidays.
Anyways your comments helped loads to sort my mind out and I have messaged the childminder yesterday and told her I will just drop my DD at the door today. She cried like crazy and the childminder had to pull her off from me but she's been in for an hour now and so far the childminder didn't call me so I assume she stopped crying at some point.
I am a first time mum, as you can probably tell and had no idea I'm not helping things by a long settling. Thanks again all💕

Well done. It will get easier 💐

@kateeea well done it is so hard and still makes me feel like an awful mum when I have to leave my DS crying but he usually looks like he’s having a great time! Our nursery never minds us messaging to check he’s settled ok so your childminder also might not mind a message, just to put your mind at rest? But I’m sure your DD is fine!

Well done @kateeea. Yes your child will cry but it will get easier as the days go on. Your childminder can now get on with bonding with your child. It is always worse on the parent.

Settling is baby accepting comfort from another person they won't while someone familiar is there. Things should start to turn around now your leaving her.
It's hard try to be upbeat when they are crying but do your best and always say goodbye