Single Parent - would an an pair work for a 14 year old?

[Newhouse76]

Sadly my husband and I are separating soon. I’m moving 20 miles to be closer to DDs school.

Ex does not wish to see DD (who is his stepchild). Her father moved back to his home country when she was young so she does not see him at all - I mention this as context to explain that DD will be with me full time.

I’ll need to leave home around 7am to travel into the City and will return around 7pm. I don’t mind DD being on her own after school but feel sad at the thought of her waking herself up in the morning and getting herself to school

Would an au pair work for a teenager? There isn’t any childcare involved as such other than in the morning and half an hour in the evening. Could I ask the au pair to do some jobs around the house instead such as the ironing and some errands ir would that normally be frowned upon?

How big is your house?
Are you prepared to have someone around most of the time?

Really. I’d just get the 14 y/o to crack on.

If I were you, I would talk to my employer and explain the situation and that you are going to need to come in to work a bit later but can make up the hours in the evening.

So instead of leaving Home at 7, you leave at 8.

A demi au pair- they work less, don't get pocket money, have set hours and have to be available to be able to attend classes. Sounds like you'd like company for her more than anything, which I can understand. Did you STBEXH used to do mornings? Have you always had to leave so early? Any chance of moving closer to work?

If there I no other parent around and you will be out the house at least 12 hours a day five days a week that’s a bit grim for your DD. She may be 14 but agree every morning and evening line is tough.
If she gets on with the AP it could be an idea but some of them are like silly teenagers Themselves and she may not lie them and resent having a stranger in her house.
The dynamic of another female teenager living there full time at the weekends may be hard work also.

Don’t think there is an easy solution but can you ask to work from home some afternoons?
Or could a friend have your DD over after school for a couple of hours?

If both you and DD are happy to have another person around full-time then it would be an ideal set-up for an au pair - minimal childcare responsibilities, a bit of light housework and plenty of free time for their language course or whatever. But just be sure that it's what DD actually wants. At 14 I would have hated having a stranger brought in to keep me company in the mornings, whereas I would have been quite happy getting myself up and off to school in peace.

Lostandfound - for many employees starting late would be not be possible.

What does the 14 year old think? Are they onboard with having an au pair? At 14 I think most would want to get on with it themselves. Surely between 7 and 8 they are mostly just getting showered, dressed, grabbing a bowl of cereal and setting off to school - I'm not sure what the au pair would actually do?

Have you asked how your DD feels about this? I tied myself in knots sorting out a complex 'system' in the holidays so DS (almost 14) didn't have to wake up on his own. He eventually sat me down, told me he was fine and actually quite liked the responsibility. He now gets himself ready for school 3 days a week and it's working well. It's worth a conversation.

Worth a try. I’ve had 2 fab au pairs 1 mediocre and 1 girl who was way out of her depth. The 2 fab girls are firm family friends who are still big parts of our families years later. I have a teenager and she would be happy with the company of either of them. I think it could be ideal if you get the right person.

I think that the right demi au pair could be perfect for everyone.

Even if most of the time it’s just for company, it’s nice to have someone else there (and I say this as an introvert).

Occasionally things go mildly wrong and it’s nice for her not to have to deal with it all on her own (eg the boiler breaks down, the power goes off, whatever).

It can also be nice to have someone there when you get home from school, to have a cuppa with or even just know that they’re downstairs.

What time does your daughter need to leave the house herself in the morning? Cant be much later than 8.30, so whats wrong with waking her up before you leave at 7, and leaving her be. By the time shes had a shower, got dressed, packed the last bits in her bag, checked her whatapp for the billionth time, had some breakfast faffed around a bit the 1 and a half would have gone.

My mum used to leave for work at 6. Shed wake me and my brother up then we knew we had to cross the road for the bus at 8.15 so technically we needed ti be at the bis stop fir 8, many many mornings one of of us would be shouting at the other that the bus was just about to arrive and to move now. (We had slight about of extra time cos the bus would do a reversing turn at our bustop)

You feel sad anout her waking up alone - easy wake her up before you go.

@GoatYoga

She works long hours in the City
I’m presuming finance

Big corporate outfits, in experience, can be very accommodating. Especially if the OP has worked there for some time and has a good history

For the right au pair I think that would be fine. Our last one would have been terrific in that role - she was basically a big sister to very young teens. dd is 14 and definitely likes someone being around although she is both independent and competent. We have a student who comes in after school for a couple of hours as I can manage the mornings but if you have space and cash, I'd go for it.

Hrm. From my experience, I think 14 is a bit old for an au pair. They are likely to be quite close in age and I'm not sure that works - the au pair won't really be able to have much authority and I think 14 is a bit old to be walked to school.

But it's very child dependent. How does your DD feel about this? Does she want the company? Or does she cringe at the thought and just want to sort herself out? Maybe chat to her and get a feel of what would make her feel better as that's what it's all about really.

Hi everyone - im actually moving from Zone 2 London which was very close to Work however will move closer to DD school as she was the one who had an early start in the morning.
At present in London DD and I both leave home at 650am (!) so she can get to school on time and I start work early

I can work from home one day a week, no more. There isn’t a huge amount of flex around starting late

I was thinking about an au pair - and DD is ok with this - in terms of a spare pair of hands if DD is ever sick or if I need to visit another office in Europe for a day or 2 (only one a quarter) and just having someone around would mean that I would worry less. Have been worrying a lot about how to fit this all together

From a selfish point of view I could probably pop to the gym once or twice a week before coming home knowing that DD would have had dinner

I think it’s a long time for her to be on her own but appreciate that some kids are more independant than others

Where would I find a Demi au pair?

The other idea might be a lodger, with slightly reduced rent in exchange for the small amount of supervision.

Thank you - I had wondered about a lodger however I will be renting initially and I don’t think that subletting in this was would be permitted under the lease

In the context of your family I think the right au pair might be a godsend for you. If I understand right you are moving to a new place, big upheaval emotionally for you and your dd, and you are maintaining a demanding full time job and travel with no adult support? You will have precious little time look after your dd, your home or importantly yourself!

An au pair can of course help you around the house whilst your dad is at school - keep it tidy, take deliveries, prepare dinner for you or load the slow cooker in the morning do you have something delicious to come home to. You’ll be able to come home and relax and spend quality time with your daughter rather than be frazzled and worrying about dinner etc.

As long as you are completely upfront and specific about your situation and what you need it’s fine.

Of course it all depends on the au pair. In your situation an older girl would probably be best I would have thought, one who is capable and independent, who is not the same generation as your daughter iyswim.

Why not try it for three months to see how it works?

I did very similar when I separated and dd2 was 13.
We had fantastic aussie au pair,
My dd didn't think she was being babysat, she recognised that I needed extra pair of hands.
Our au pair got up with dd in mornings and just was there in background, made pack lunch etc.
Then she did housework, walked the dog, did shopping etc. And she cooked dinner every night too.
It was useful that she drove so she could take dd to after school activities etc. I liked the company too.
My advice would be look for an older au pair with driving licence. They tend to be more sensible and better at household stuff
I used au pair world

Sign up to au pair world. Be very specific in your profile. Browse through all the other families to see what is attractive. The amount of aupair are overwhelming so narrow your search to a couple of countries and age bands. You can key word search too.

You can also get grandparent age aupairs - there are some smaller agencies specialising in retired / early retired people who want to do an aupair like year.

Only mention it as it might be easier than a possible personality clash with someone only 4 years older than your DD. Depends what she's more comfortable with obviously.

You could also look at a graduate student - could be British - who could work around your schedule and do the job for free board and lodging. This way you would not have any of the pastoral responsibilities than can sometimes come from hosting a young au pair from abroad.

I think it could work. I know 14 year olds are mostly pretty capable, but you are going through a period of change and some help could be really helpful.

I was at home on my own at that age before school a couple of hours and stuff does go wrong (ill cat, no hot water, probably loads of other stuff) that an adult would have been better places to deal with.

We had au pairs until I was maybe 12 or 13 and they were all more like big sisters. One would always make me Nutella on toast when I got in from the bus. Obviously I could cook at that age so popping the toaster on wasn’t something I couldn’t have done myself but it was so kind of her and I always remember it.

Also if au pair can be in for parcels etc, do dinner a few times a week whatever else then surely that will lighten the load a bit.

Oh and yes great idea to find someone with a driving licence as outsourcing some of the taxi-ing must be a good thing.

I don't really understand your first post. Currently does your DD travel 20 miles to school..?