CM Club - 3yr old mindee won't say please & thankyou

[princesscc]

Actually she doesn't even have a conversation with me. She talks very well, but it's parrot fashion. If I try to start a conversation she just looks around blankly and then says something like 'I've got pink shoes'. So I think, I'll try it the other way round, so when she says 'I've got pink shoes', I say and what colour shoes have I got? She says nothing. She says everything she should be saying at 3, knows colours, few numbers etc., but she just does not interact. The most annoying thing is the manners. I'll ask her if she wants a drink and she just stares at me. I give her things and i say 'what do you say' and she will not say a thing! I've tried all the tricks - good girls say this - look what mindee2 has got, coz she said please and ta etc etc. I am almost at breaking point. Obviously spoke to mother, she says nursery teacher told her it was what 3 year olds do. I'm sorry, but i've got a 18mth mindee who doesn't need telling and I've done this job for long enough to know that 3 year olds should have manners by now. Mum & Dad both think its funny, grandma thiks its funny, I DO NOT anymore! I thought it was just me, but parents say she's always like it - what do I do next? Any ideas?

insist!

How long have you had this child in your care, she sounds rather odd?

No suggestions but I don't think it helps if others find it funny - it's probably like a game to her. How annoying for you though!

Could she have some kmind of undiagnosed special needs? It sound as if she's not actually able to interact very well. I'm not an expert, I'm sure someone will be along who might have an idea - but if that might be a possibility it might help you not to get so wound up.

Tried! I've even started not letting her have the treats that other mindees get. She couldn't give a hoot. She would rather go without, than say please & thankyou. Last week other mindee (18mths) was having a gingerbread man and everytime he had a bit I was making a big fuss of him and he was laughing and kept saying ta. She was laughing at him too, but as soon as I said do you want some? She shut up and wandered off not bothered! Best bit is, when one of them doesn't say thankyou to her, she tells them!!!

I'm sorry but you sound as if you really don't like her. She's only three. She may quite possibly have some kind of social communication disorder. Whatever the reason, she isn't doing anything bad and she's very young. Can't you just leave it? Stop expecting it, but show her politeness in the way you behave. You say you are 'almost at breaking point' and that seems really extreme to me.

Had her since she was 6mths and had her sister before her. I do remember her sister being a bit reluctant to say it too, but I managed to sort her out! {in a non-violent, childminder manor, obvisously!}

She does actually sound like a SN child from your description.

Is there something she really loves which would upset her not to have?

I'm afraid it sounds like your on a bit of a losing battle if her Parents find this behaviour acceptable!

Is this worth getting everyone so upset about? Does it really matter? Surely the key thing is to have a happy child. That's what I would expect from this situation. I would actually be pretty upset as a parent if my child was being punished over this.

I DO like her, she's a very nice little girl and I could not do more to 'big her up' when she eats her food and goes to the toilet, puts her coat on etc etc. I say big thankyous to her when she does things for me, but I do think by the time they are 3, they could at least have some manners. And when I say breaking point, I don't mean I'm going to do something bad, I'm not supid! I just feel that maybe I should suggest a course of action the the parents that we can both work together on, rather than just me doing the work and then them undoing it by laughing about it.

I'm NOT punishing her, I am simply trying to install some manners - isn't that one of the first things that EVERY parent wants for their child?

If she is a 'very nice little girl' then that's what's really important isn't it? She's nice, she is happy, everything is fine.

No, not really. I think that the fact that my son loves to read, is kind to his sister, makes great jokes, is cuddly and gentle, doesn't hit people or say mean things, does his best to do things he finds difficult, such as get dressed in the right order, tells me he loves me, asks interesting questions and a zillion other things are more important to me than whether he remembers to say please and thank you. I actually think a reasonably pleasant and cheerful tone is more important too. I think we sometimes absolutely fetishise pleases and thank yous in very small children.

It doesn't sound like you'd have much luck with the Parents to be honest!

I think I'd just continue saying please & thank you & hope that one day she chooses to say it...She may well do if she realises it's no longer winding you up!

THANKYOU ScottishThistle
THANKYOU snowleopard
and THANKYOU looeytune
I very much appreciate your comments and I will try to speak to parents again.
Thankyou again - see it's not hard is it! manners maketh man and all that

sounds like she may have Sn to me.

You are punishing her if you are giving other children treats and not her. I like manners, but deliberately trying to upset a child to bully her into using them isn't manners itself, really.

It sounds like she has a problem communicating, in which xcase y6ou need to speak to the parents about it, and back off her completely.

. It really sounds like this girl has some form of speech/communication disorder. An inability to say please/thank you would be part of that. You seem to be seeing her lack of interaction as being some sort of failure of courtesy on her part, rather than a potentially serious undiagnosed developmental delay.

My son is 3. And doesn't say please or thank you. He is speech delayed, currently on the waiting list for NHS SALT,and awaiting a treatment programme from a private SALT.

Part of our role is to help children in their social interactions, and 'Please and Thank you' oil the social wheels. Strangers or people one is meeting for the first time can't see immediately all the wonderful things about us or our charges, but they can hear and enjoy a polite response.
This is part of the way we all get on together and I think it's important.

Obviously if the child has a problem communicating the childminder is right to draw it to parents attention and it should not be laughed at?

I'm not being mean to her, really I'm not and I am certainly not trying anything without the parents knowledge. Thankyou again to those of you on my wavelength. I don't want any of you to think that I am a horrid cm. I only stopped her from having a biscuit once fgs. Kids try it on don't they? You say 'say please', they say nothing, have a paddy and then realise they should say it and everything is hunkeydorey. You give big hugs, lots of praise and everyone is happy.

Earthymama - I don't think the parents should be laughting at it but I equally think the childminder should not be making such a big deal about it - she is 3!!!!

There are more important things than parroting 'please' and 'thank you'. Playing nicely with others, not having feet stamping tantrums...

I can't abide bad manners in adults but cut a 3 year old a bit of slack. Oh and no - I don't think it means she has special needs, I think she might just be a wee bit quiet!

but you said she would rather ngo without than say please/thank you, you didnt say she had a tantrum.

No SHE doesn't mistee, I was just saying that thats the usual thing that happens with most other kids isn't it? I feel really sh*tty now and I know I should expect that not everyone agrees with me, but I really do feel that I/parents need to do something. I have not met one child at 3 who doesn't at least make a sound of acknowledgement.

Sorry, I meant MisDee! Its getting very late and I'm tired & emotional!