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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

When do children "love" the nanny?

43 replies

NatashaRomanoff · 01/06/2016 11:53

Do they all eventually "love" and/or "adore" the nanny they have as I see so much?

We're four months in and my DD (2) still hides when the nanny arrives every day, regularly tells her 'I not like you' (which I reprimand every time as its not nice) when the nanny is making her, for example, get dressed. She never asks for her and still regularly cries that she wants to be when I leave for work.

My older children don't do this but they don't express any particular like or dislike for her. They say she's "ok."

Should they all adore her or is that a bit of a Mary Poppins mumsnet myth?

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littleladyluna · 01/06/2016 12:18

Personal and therefore only anecdotal evidence here but...by about six weeks I generally have a good relationship with my charges. That is if we don't get off to an amazing start - I've been in temp jobs from a week to a few months where the children actively look forward to my arrival. I currently care for older children and they really liked me after a week (teen so tough to bond).

I think "adore" and "love" are very strong words, but by four months they should like your nanny. It's of course normal for a two year old to want their mum over the nanny but overall your children should be happy in her/his care and company. It may be worth sitting down with your nanny and see how they are finding it? I sometimes find that parents can hinder the relationship unknowingly.

FIS2016 · 01/06/2016 12:20

What is the personality of the nanny? Are they quite flat or dull? Maybe they haven't tried to bond well.

Original poster

NatashaRomanoff · 01/06/2016 12:57

I think the nanny likes my children very much. I'm not sure that it's reciprocated. My daughter has been left in other childcare situations (nursery, preschool) and been absolutely fine. When I leave her at the moment she is distraught.
Nanny is very nice but I don't feel she connects with them the way I've seen other childcare workers do. She's kind, capable but I'm not sure she's 'fun.'
Absolutely none of them look forward to her arrival, they all want me to be home instead.

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Original poster

NatashaRomanoff · 01/06/2016 12:59

I should add, my daughter is fine when I get home.

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ChaChaChaCh4nges · 01/06/2016 13:01

We've only ever had 2 nannies, but all three of my DCs were hugging each before her first week was out. Perhaps I have particularly tactile children.

lenibose · 01/06/2016 13:04

My son started with a CM aged 6 months. By the time he was a year he was flying out of my arms towards her. He is now 4 and adores her.

Alanna1 · 01/06/2016 13:07

I think that's odd and you should review it. We've only had one nanny who is still with us 3 years later, and I would say both my children settled quickly. They enjoy being looked after by her and run to her for hugs. They usually hide when they see her bike so that she has to find them when she gets in and will then yabber away excitedly about what they have done since they last saw her (usually such that it is hard for me to get a word in edgeways). In my experience that is normal - not saying they don't like someone, which I see as quite a clear expression of view by a young child. It's quite easy to get young children to like you (.... play with them....). I don't t think they use words like love and adore that accurately, but it is easy to tell by how they play who they like playing with and if they are fond of someone. Our nanny gets bought presents by them when we are out (i.e, I buy them...) and they like making cards for her - things like that.

StringyPotatoes · 01/06/2016 14:47

If your older children don't actively like her by 4mths I'd review it but I wouldn't take much stock by your 2yr old unless she genuinely gets upset.

I've been in my current job as a live in nanny for nearly 3yrs and my Charge (3yrs) and I have a very strong bond - so much so that he had a serious meltdown last week when I didn't come on a family day out on my day off! BUT every morning he pouts at me, tells me he doesn't like me and tells me to go away. I think he sees me and mum as mutually exclusive and the only way to prevent mum from going to work is by getting me out of the picture.
As I said, we have an amazing time together and he constantly tells me he loves me and doesn't want me to ever leave but he still wants mum home so sometimes expresses that as a dislike of me IYSWIM.

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 01/06/2016 17:34

I've been with eldest dc 2
6 since 5 months some days she doesn't like me and wants mummy to do it. The relationship we have without my boss is best buddies but when parents are around of course she chooses them (not always but generally!)

Marmelised · 01/06/2016 17:44

I had 3 nannies. One temporary, one meant to be long term and one who stayed with us for 4 years.

The temp was great, children loved her from the word go.
The one who stayed 4 years, ditto, we're still in touch.

The other - when I came home each evening my 2 year old would go and get the nannys shoes so she could leave more quickly. Not a big deal in inself but enough, combined with general lack of obvious rapport plus other factors (not least feedback from friends who'd found themselves holding my baby at day time weight watcher classes whilst the nanny got weighed) to suggest that she wasn't a good long term bet.

I think 2 year olds are quite capable of letting you know what you need to know.

Original poster

NatashaRomanoff · 01/06/2016 20:29

DD becomes utterly distraught, not just upset. There are a few other niggles too but I don't want to add things up and come to the wrong conclusion.

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Dozer · 01/06/2016 20:33

Doesn't sound like she's a good match for your DC or that your older ones like her either: I'd look again.

MunchCrunch01 · 01/06/2016 20:34

I think you ought to trust your gut with child related things. It's hard to say but the fact none of your dc is enthusiastic isn't great. Mine (dc2 is a bit under 2) are both noticeably happy to see my nanny but also happy to be handed back at the end of the day.

Footle · 01/06/2016 20:35

It's her only way of telling you there's something wrong - not something sinister, which would probably make her silent and obviously scared, but she's really unhappy and you have to take notice.

ceeveebee · 01/06/2016 20:36

We had a nanny for nearly 4 years, for our twins. DD loves her and still talks about missing her 1 year on. DS used to say "oh not not you, I don't like that one" every morning (which I know is very rude but he did have speech delay and it was quite hard to make him understand that this was not ok)!

FIS2016 · 01/06/2016 20:41

How old are your older children? An they tell you what she is like when you are out? Does she laugh with them, do things with them? Sounds odd none of them like her.

Pimmmms · 03/06/2016 08:48

She doesn't sound like a good fit at all. My DSs STILL talk about their nanny fondly even though they haven't seen her for a few years.

That doesn't make her a bad nanny, just not the right nanny for you.

Fishlegs · 03/06/2016 09:12

My then 13 month old used to cry when I left her with one nanny, we decided during the probation period that she wasn't a good fit for our family, although the older dc liked her because she let them eat sweets and watch tv all day

We had a new one a couple of weeks later and dd didn't cry once when I left her. 4 years down the line and she still loves her, whereas the others are a bit more 'meh'.

Personally I think it's the reaction of the youngest that you should be using as a benchmark as to whether the nanny is right for your family.

Ilovecrumpets · 03/06/2016 09:45

I had this with my second nanny. Nothing 'bad' but she just didn't get on with my DC1 and he never seemed truly happy. I had a gut feeling about it within the first week, but persevered because I thought he was maybe just missing his old nanny, was taking time to get to know and didn't want to be unfair.

For various reasons after 6 months we got a new nanny - other nanny was doing her job perfectly capabably, but it never felt 'right' and there didn't seem much laughter etc in the house. Nanny was fine about leaving which I think was a sign that things weren't working.

Current nanny both DC loved her straight away, and the difference in the house is noticeable and I feel happy to leave them and they are happy to be left again. Tbh I wish I had made the change straight away and trusted my instinct, and put my DC first. Other nanny just wasn't the right fit for my DC1.

Original poster

NatashaRomanoff · 03/06/2016 11:11

There's no laughter at all. It makes me sad. It definitely doesn't help that I was a SAHM for 10 years before this so none of them have known any different really, except preschool. I would rather be at home and they'd rather I was there too! It's difficult. As you've said, there's nothing inherently BAD just... Not brilliant.

OP posts:

Dozer · 03/06/2016 13:57

Suggest changing the arrangement: nannies are an expensive form of childcare so IMO it's important to feel reasonably good about the person.

MyMurphy · 03/06/2016 18:18

To be fair to the nanny, it could be that the children have to "behave " when she is there. (Not that they don't behave with you, but hopefully you know what I mean

feelinginthedark · 03/06/2016 18:55

We've only had one nanny but I think that you pay the premium not only for convenience and flexibility, but so that your kids will have a strong and healthy bond with their daytime caregiver. That is built through laughter, play etc. If that doesn't exist they may as well be in a nursery with a rotation of caregivers. Our nanny is exceptional, we're moving in a few weeks and all of us will be devastated to say goodbye

Ilovecrumpets · 03/06/2016 19:47

I think feeling is right. My DCs really love our first and current nannies - our first nanny is still a really good friend and part of their lives. It must be very hard going back to work if you would really rather be at home. One thing that makes me feel more comfortable is that both our first and current nannies bring something different to the DCs lives, a different but close relationship, ideas, approaches to things, another person who cares deeply about them. And lots of fun and more patience than me!

When I had nanny 2 I never fully relaxed at work, always rushing home as I didn't want to leave them longer than I absolutely needed to. It was really draining and I was always slightly nervous leaving and coming home. With current nanny that has all gone and I enjoy coming back to the house and hearing about their day. They are excited and happy to see her in the morning and will talk about her if, say, we are on holiday ( well the oldest one who can talk!). Even if they are playing up there is a lightness to the way she deals with them.

For everyone's sake a nanny has to work for the whole family, if you have been having doubts for 4 months I think maybe she just isn't for your family?

bananafish · 03/06/2016 21:16

My eldest was like this with our first nanny. She turned out to be a very bad egg indeed. Not suggesting for a minute that this is the case, here, but I do think young children can let you know when things aren't right for them.

She was our first employee, so we didn't really know what we were doing and everybody said that he would 'settle', but he didn't. With good reason as she found out she was bloody awful to him.

The difference with his subsequent nanny was startling. He cried and cried with nanny 1, after three months of daily care, whereas he would smile and giggle and hold up his arms for hugs with Amelie after a couple of weeks. It an entirely different experience and you could see that they had bonded.

Follow your instinct - it doesn't always work. The chemistry may just be wrong.

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