Opinions on whether I am making an unreasonable demand on nanny please!

[tonybasil]

I have decided after some encouragement from my nanny to start toilet training dd at night. She has been dry during the day for a year and my nanny thinks she is being lazy at night and is ready to go without nappies. I admit I have put this off because I haven't wanted the hassle but there is never a good time, so this week we have gone for it. Basically she has wet the bed for the last 2 nights and I have asked the nanny to strip the bed and wash the sheets. I feel that it is not unreasonable and within her duties as she already does the children's laundry. She feels that it is unreasonable as the wetting happens when she is not 'on duty'. I feel I don't have time in the morning before work to do this. What do you all think? Be as harsh as you like!

I would say child laundry so reasonable and within her duties. Not the most pleasant of jobs of course, but that's life.

As a nanny I'd expect to be asked to do that if my boss didn't have time to. But I also wouldn't be advising you to take away night time nappies until she'd started waking up with a dry nappy in the morning for a while.

Yes, it's reasonable.

But, maybe your dd isn't ready yet? I understand night time dryness is mostly a developmental or hormonal thing rather than an issue of training or laziness.

Yes it's her job and as a nanny I would do it

Could you compromise and you strip off the wet sheets and shove in the machine and then she re-makes the bed?

Thank you for your responses so far. I like to think that I am a fair employer and wouldn't ask her to do something which would take advantage. But my nanny was so adamant. What irked me most was the drawing of the line between on and off duty. I could be alot more demanding about what she and I do during the day regarding washing-up, loading and unloading the dishwasher, tidying etc but I think there needs to be a balance and some give and take.
On the other point my DD might not be ready, she rarely has a dry nappy in the morning even if she does her morning wee in the potty. I will give it a couple more days and start a reward chart and if it doesn't improve I will leave it a while longer. If nothing else it will resolve the issue between me and my nanny!

completley reasonable.

have lost count of the number of wet beds i have changed.... loads and loads and loads
the parents normally pulled the wet sheet off (and left on floor) but sometimes the parents didnt know or notice and i would when i went up to do the rooms.
I never thought twice about, and wouldnt have questioned it.

in most jobs we got hippychick bed mat things, (and had 2 or 3) so most of the time it was just putting a wet bed mat and pjs in machine, and putting a dry bed mat back on. (much easier than a complete bed change daily!)

So does that mean she won't wash pyjamas because technically, they aren't worn during her duty. Or clothes worn at the weekend that are now in the laundry?

How ridiculous.

You are being completely Reasonable. That is shocking behaviour from your nanny, actually. And if she isn't waking up with a dry nappy, don't force her to night train yet. How uncomfortable must it be for her to sleep in the wet bed? Just tell your nanny that you are the mother and the employer and you make the decisions about her duties and your child's development. Part of her duties are nursery duties, I assume, including washing dd's laundry? well, changing sheets and washing them is part of that.

Very poor behaviour on her part.

I wouldnt be impressed if my nanny refused to do it, and drew the line so adamantly between on and off duty. However, I do agree with LeChat's suggestion about you quickly stripping the sheets and dumping in the washing machine and leaving the offending patch to air and she does the rest.

Over the weekends, my DDS sometimes mess up their playroom and I always try and put it right before nanny turns up for work. However, I left it messy twice due to being busy elsewhere. Both times the nanny sorted it out without complaint even though the mess happened while she was off duty.

so bottom line, you are not being unfair to expect her to do it.

Firstly, I would have expected your nanny to know that you cannot train a child to be dry at night. It is linked to hormones and development and is not a sign of laziness! Only time it would be laziness is if your child wakes in the morning and then reads or plays and cannot be bothered to get out of bed to go to the toilet. Don't do a star chart for dry nights as it will only make your dd feel bad on the mornings she is wet and she will be upset and confused as it is not something she meant to do and cannot help it. Leave her in night time nappies until you have at least a week of dry morning nappies - and even then you can expect the odd accident. The more I think about it the more cross I feel at your nanny for telling you that your dd is being lazy.

As for the washing, I would maybe compromise by stripping the bed and putting the sheets in the machine (only takes a few mins) and asking your nanny to dry the sheets and remake the bed. But if you put her back in nappies you won't need to do this.

When ds wets the bed, I usually strip off the sheets and put them in the machine. But only because our nanny often doesn't get back from the school run and various other things until quite late in the morning, and it seems easier for me to do it. But to echo the others, she would do it without question if I told her I hadn't done it.

I agree with the posters who have said that she shouldn't be the one deciding about night time training - I would talk about that sort of thing with my nanny but would ultimately be the one to make the decision. If she's been suggesting the time is right then she really isn't in a position to complain about the sheets.

I left dd1 in nappies at night until we had had a month or so of dry ones. And even then she still had the occasional accident. ds is still in nappies at night, it's just that sometimes his nappy leaks...

I didn't realise that it was linked to hormones. I assumed I'd need to "train" ds at some point. He's normally dry in the mornings, but there is the odd morning of a wet pull (I'd say probably 1 in every 6-7 mornings he's wet). I've kept him in a pull up at night because I wasn't completely sure as sometimes he does wet at night still and although I could put on a more durable waterproof protector, I still don't want to deal with the laundry!

So, he will just do this naturally, then?

Sorry for the hijack!

I'd never try and train a child who wasn't regularly having dry nappies. So much hassle and so dispiriting for the child.

Night time continence is very rarely due to laziness (especially in a young child) and reward charts are unreasonable as you are trying to reward the child for something they have no control over.

Your nanny is unreasonable to insist that you take the night nappies off. Especially if she isn't having to deal with the fallout from the wetting.

How old is your daughter?

Havepatience - yes, he will do it naturally. Some do it before 3 and some not until 5 or even 6. Sounds like your ds is nearly there though.

Well not all children just do it, and suddenly start waking with a dry nappy. Some will subconsciously wet if they have a nappy/pullup on as they need a wee, stir sleepily and the brain sort of goes "oh it's ok, nappy is on, wee away" and the bladder will empty.

For many children (I'm talking older ones here, eg 5+) they need the nappy removing if most mornings they are dry, so that they can receive the stimulus to wake and visit the toilet if they do start weeing. The problem with pullups is they keep the child SO dry, the brain isn't stimulated to fully wake if urination begins. Sometimes they need to feel wet to "learn" to wake up and use the toilet.

If the nanny is the one pushing for no night nappies, then she should change the sheets. If you were the one pushing for no night nappies, then actually the nanny should still change the sheets but you would expect to have more of a conversation about this to get the nanny onboard with the decision, although even if the nanny disagreed, it would still be part of a nanny's nursery duties! So, no alternative for the nanny but slightly different approaches, I suppose.

yanbu

My DD just told me at approx age 4 that she didn't need nappies at night any more and we have probably only ever had 1 wet bed.

I agree with you strip the bed and shove the sheets in the machine and nanny does the rest.

I had a talk with my nanny this afternoon and we decided on a compromise where I would strip the bed and she would load the machine. I have just been to put my DD on the loo but have already missed her wee. So DH and I have just changed her bed. I think after reading all your threads that I will put her back in her pull ups. I did not know about the hormone side of things - there is another thread mentioning this tonight as well. Mumsnet is so informative! DD is only 3 so there is plenty of time yet. I said to DH tonight I remember wearing nappies at night so I must have been 3 or more. DH said he just wet the bed (!) and his parents took him to the docs, so if genetics plays a part I think my DD deserves a break.
Thank you again for all your responses they have been very helpful.

yanbu
If it helps put others perspective around this...my nanny would do this without comment and would prefer to spend her time interacting with me discussing their day - highlights, things I need to pick up, rather than complain about a task that really doesn't take that long to be honest - I assume she only has to stick the stuff in the washing machine and remake with fresh linen? What is the big deal?

Not being dry at night is "normal" up to about 7 I think - in that doctors won't intervene if a child under 7 isn't dry at night yet. 3 is still very young.

making/stripping childrens beds is quite normal and part of nursery duties and yes many a time i have stripped beds due to accidents and put in machine and re made bed

tbh your nanny sounds a bit weird

yes it takes 30secs to strip a bed, so if you can do that then great, but if not the nanny can certainly do and re make a few hours later so matress can breathe

i would def recommend getting plastic sheets and at least 3 of them so can dry (as shouldnt go in tumble dryer) and have spares to make up bed straight away

if nappy is soaking in morning then child not ready to be dry at night and a good professional nanny should know that

I honestly dont see why people get so wound up about children having to be 'dry ', during the day or the night?
In my experience it'll happen when theyre ready, not when the adult is?
saying that I started 'potty training' DS1, when he was 2 3/4 (I was pregnant with DS2) he was dry during the day by the time he was 3, he was just over 4 when he told me he didnt want to wear a nappy at night, because his best friend didnt anymore!!
DS2 was just over 3, we didnt 'potty train', he went straight to standing up at the toilet "like Daddy and DS1" He was dry at night too shortly after, with only 2 accidents.