Advice to the men for childbirth

[MPuppykin]

Hi, I am not sure to put this here or in the dadsnet section, but will try for here.

I am 32 weeks (not sure how I got here so quickly already!). First baby. I insisted that we watch One Born every minute as I really think that DH has no idea what is coming and what to expect. Okay, so it is new for both of us, but for him it is all still very theoretical. I guess also in some ways I have been doing all this preparation and it has not really 'hit' DH yet. There was a great thread a few months back where someone asked for 'what you wish you had known' before labour, or asking for advice on what you would do next time. I learned alot from that. I am just wondering what advice the male partners, who have been present during birth would advise my DH, or what their perspectives are on labour. I know my DH is worried he will faint or otherwise not cope. I am worried that he will be deeply shocked by it all. I guess, I am just looking for advice that the men think will be useful.

Grateful for any responses you may have. Thank you so much in advance!

I'm not a man but can comment as DH and I had quite extensive de-briefs after both my births. Your DH will probably be shocked by labour/birth, he will find it hard to watch you in pain and if he's anything like my DH, he will fell pretty much like a spare part throughout. If he is squeamish and worried about fainting, then I guess he is best off at the head end (your head, not the baby's ). I think he will probably cope better if you give him a job to do......rubbing your back/mopping your brow/holding your water etc etc......it will help him feel involved.

As for him feeling he won't cope.....cope with what? you're the one doing all the work! If he's really that worried have you got someone else you could have there too in case your DH feels he can't stay with you (your mum perhaps?)

Thanks Heth. Heavens no, not my mum! . No, I think he is concerned that he will find it a bit overwhelming to see me in pain, and I am very sure he is in denial about just how difficult/ gory/ long it may be. He is pretty good in a crisis so I think he will be okay, but I do know he is worried about being a good support. IYSWIM. I definitely think that staying by my head is a good idea though. I just do not think he has any real idea what is coming though. Mind you, neither really do I. Absolutely terrified I am.

Not a man either, but anxiety in men is quite normal.

I really didn't want all the back rubbing stuff, it just irritated me, (so be prepared for that) but my husband was brilliant at all the toing and froing and making sure that things actually "happened" when you are out of it.

Really they are ideally placed to perform the "male protector" role, and be prepared to hassle, voice any concerns and ensure you get the right attention when you need it! He kept on at them, both midwifes and doctors, until he was satisified with what they were saying.

Dp said for him to relax not to panic because she will to so just try to help keep her calm. But above all remember birth is about the woman make it as easy as you can by respecting her wishes. He also said to try to control his family

Hope that helps your dh MPuppykin

I think it's important that he knows that sometimes when you're screaming/shouting/swearing etc., it doesn't necessarily mean you're in excruciating pain. Sometimes it just provides a release and makes it easier for you to cope.

A bit like DP throwing his bat down on the floor in disgust when he gets bowled out at cricket (that's how I explained it, obviously you'll have to find another analogy if your partner doesn't play cricket!).

That's a really good point CTJ, it's such an animal experience, you wont have been through anything like it before, he wont have seen anything like it before. The noises, the tight focus on the physical, the inability to speak are all normal and part of the process of getting the baby out.

And it's normal for the new dad to have a little cry afterwards - it's a pretty overwhelming experience to see your partner go through all that, any interventions too can be pretty scary although a straightforward birth is a pretty huge thing too! Not forgetting the new life you get to meet (and be responsible for) at the end of it all.

It's one of the only times I have ever seen DH cry and overcome with emotion like that. It didn't hit me how enormous an event it was for him too until that moment.

Oh, and I'd say don't forget the camera or leave the hospital bag in the car when you arrive (Grrr at the memory!).

It's very historically recent that men have been present at childbirth and there are many parts of the world where it just doesn't happen. The universal norm is (usually older) women who have experienced childbirth supporting the woman as they know what to expect and are generally less freaked out by blood, pain etc.
I had a friend (who had had two chidren) with us for the birth of my daughter, mainly tbh to support my husband for various reasons that I won't go in to here. Have you got a friend that would be up for it? Or you could consider a doula.
A friend of mine's partner did faint, mainly because he hadn't eaten for a long time and the hospital was very hot. The midwives kindly wheeled another bed in for him .

THis is all fantastic information, thank you so much. Keep the gems coming!

I had considered a doula as well actually... hmmm.... might think about that one again, although we are getting pretty close....

My dh found having another support there helpful as he felt a bit lost, bless him. My mum was there for ds1 and my best mate for ds2's homebirth. I and he were very grateful for both. My dh is also not one to cry etc. but he was overwhelmed by it all (in a nice way).

Best of luck with it all

No touching the bump during contractions, DH kept doing that and it was sooooo annoying that in the end I batted/thumped him away (unfortunately had my eyes shut and on that occasion it was actually the midwife touching the bump ).
My mothers advice was that all men should stay at the top end of the bed...

let him know what you want or don't want so he can advocate for you with the midwives.

Tell him when birthing you are in the primal part of your brain not the rational thinking part...he shouldn't expect rational conversation.

If he makes you feel loved, safe and secure the labour will go more smoothly, be affectionate, tell you how great you are and what an amazing thing you are doing.

Be aware that if you are in transition, might be panicky and doubtful, it is a good sign that baby coming soon and he should reiterate how great you are and offer reassurance and encouragement rather than having an 'oh dear' response.

the birth is about you and what you want goes, decisions about who is there, what happens to yor body and your baby and yours. If he's bored by a long labour, tough.

Ive worked on lots of birth/pregnancy programmes over the years and filmed lots and lots of births and seen many a poor fella come over all pale and sickly (have also seen quite a few faint!) the vast majority have absolutely no clue what to do or how to react and I've always felt very sorry for them, yes they're not doing the hard work but they are expected a lot of the time to step up to the plate and do the right thing.

So, how hubby was going to be whilst I was in labour with dc1 was super important to me, I didn't want him to feel totally left out and scared and worried etc so my sis came with me too as a birth partner (shes got three kids so bit of experience!) and he really just took his lead from her and the midwife, she was never worried or panicky and that calmed him loads. He knew when to touch me and when he should probably back off. Saying all that even in the full throws of labour don't underestimate how important your DH is to you, I was never one to swear and shout and be angry with him but have seen lots that are and thats just their way of coping, but I wanted his help and support.

Im sure your partner will be great but I really do echo what a lot of women have said, if you have a sister or best friend that could be in there to help too it really honestly does help massively and takes the pressure off.

Also massively agree with warning them how primal it really is, coz you will make noises that you've never made before and you will go into yourself at some points, you may shout and scream and its all normal!! Just forwarn him
Best of luck!

On a more minor level, don't walk into the room where you are in labour with a large plate of chicken curry. He was not popular.

DH says you have to do whatever you're told and get on with it. If that means pushing harder on lower back while being screamed at, that is what you do. Also, that you need to breathe in gas and air for it to work. He may need to remind you of this.

DH also says DO NOT SAY you're making it look easy. You'll get a black eye.

I say, get him to tell you that you're doing really really well, whether he believes it or not. Food is also useful. Especially lots of cake.

I second what Jazz said, talk with your DH beforehand so he is aware of what your wishes are for different eventualities.

My DH was a brilliant "male protector" (as described by Jazz), knowing my wishes when I was too out of it/in pain he was prepared to hassle, voice concerns and get me the right attention when I needed it.

I could relax (as much as you can in labour) knowing he was fighting my corner and it gave him a role.

Wow. You all have such sensitive DHs. Mine is rubbish in chidlbirth, he gets bored, walks around the delivery room rattling stuff, asking "what does this do?" and drumming on the table top and generally acting like a 14 year old. He doesn't back up my preferences, preferring to go with whatever the mw/dr says and is generally a PITA. Would much rather have my mum and a doula and leave DH at home with DDs1-3.

I asked DH why he was so calm when I was in labour. He said that because I'd been totally frank about the pain I'd be in (I had a child from a previous marriage) and about the focus, inability to speak etc etc that he was prepared for whatever happened.

He also found it helpful to be 'in charge' of one or two things- for instance wetting a flannel for my fevered brow on a regular basis! He also knows me well and knows that when I'm ill, upset or worried, I don't want chat- so he figured he was best keeping as quiet as possible. And he was right.

But a lot of it is down to personality anyway- DH is by nature a calm and measured sort of man, not a worrier at all.

I've just asked my DH what he would recommend. He said that his best advice would be -
DON'T PANIC
and he wishes that MN could write it in big friendly red letters.

He said that there is very little that the man can do, so his job was to stay calm, provide services (water, glucose tablets, sick bowl, addition/removal of clothes etc.), and to know what was going to happen. Regarding the last point, for my second delivery, DH made a flow chart, detailing what I would want to happen at each stage if things went right, or if they went wrong. It gave him the confidence to speak up for me, knowing that he knew exactly what I wanted. It gave me the confidence to get on with out, knowing that someone would stand up for me if necessary (it wasn't, by the way, the midwives were fantastic).

I would also add that the main thing that he did wrong the first time (sorry DH!) was to ignore what I had told him before we went in. The only words that were supposed to be directed at me were to tell me that I was doing really well. In actual fact, he started shouting at me to "PUSH!". It was really annoying. As if I didn't know what to do. And I felt that I had at least as much motivation to get the baby out as he did.

DH feels that he main fault during the first delivery was to panic. It meant that he became convinced that the baby was going to die (flying in the face of all evidence) and gave up all ideas of my wishes. I felt that he would have agreed for the medical team to cut my legs off if they had asked him. That wasn't so good and it took a while for our marriage to recover from the betrayal (as I saw it). Second time around, he was fantastic and did everything right. I would give him glowing references as a doula, should he choose to change career.

DH's advice to all men is to stay up the head end (but he's quite squeamish, some men might find it wonderful to see their baby's head being born).

Oh, and if you're holding your partner's hand don't link your fingers through theirs IYSWIM. DH did this first time round and I nearly broke his hand - am still hearing about it now. Did read somewhere that men have had broken fingers from doing this so it's worth remembering.

He should also bear in mind that certain things work for pain relief at different times. DH massaged my back for every contraction for over 2 hours and then suddenly I couldn't stand to have him touch me and shoved him away. He needs to roll with whatever you need and not take it personally (like, for example, if he's encouraging you to push and you tell him to shut up. Hypothetically.)

One piece of advice I would give, is that you can be a GREAT dad but you don't HAVE to be there for the birth...

Get the friggin car seat sorted out well in advance so you aren`t stood outside the hospital waiting with a midwife while he fumbles and farts about with the straps. And also to be good company because it could take a long time and in a strange way is boring at times, you need someone to chat to.

Thank you so much everybody, this is all fantastic information! I think my DH will also want to know what all the fascinating machines do LittleSilver...

The not linking fingers recommendation is great. Hate to break his fingers..... 'we' (I ) have agreed he is on nappychanging duties so I would hate to interfere with that.

Yes, and Don't Panic. Whatever happens, it is happening, I guess.

I really appreciate you all writing in!

He might not feel much emotion at all, just numb shock, and that is of course absolutely fine.

With all 3 of ours DP just sat there afterwards with huge staring eyes, certainly not crying.