Advice to the men for childbirth

[MPuppykin]

Hi, I am not sure to put this here or in the dadsnet section, but will try for here.

I am 32 weeks (not sure how I got here so quickly already!). First baby. I insisted that we watch One Born every minute as I really think that DH has no idea what is coming and what to expect. Okay, so it is new for both of us, but for him it is all still very theoretical. I guess also in some ways I have been doing all this preparation and it has not really 'hit' DH yet. There was a great thread a few months back where someone asked for 'what you wish you had known' before labour, or asking for advice on what you would do next time. I learned alot from that. I am just wondering what advice the male partners, who have been present during birth would advise my DH, or what their perspectives are on labour. I know my DH is worried he will faint or otherwise not cope. I am worried that he will be deeply shocked by it all. I guess, I am just looking for advice that the men think will be useful.

Grateful for any responses you may have. Thank you so much in advance!

As some have mentioned, it's good to give your DH some duties to do to keep him busy and not send him in to a panic. The calmer he is, the better YOUR birth experience. You may want to consider a Doula (I would say that wouldn't I!!). I've supported partners and reassured the dads as much as the mums to help have a great birth experience. Doulas don't replace your partner, they just help make the experience for you both the best it can be.
Don't be surprised if your OH is very nervous now but goes into autopilot-mode when he sees you in labour. It's wonderful to see how supportive and fulfilling it is for both mum and dad to get through the birth together. Afterwards they often comment that they thought they could never do it and Dad says he wouldn't have missed it for the world. (Unlike my OH who slept in the bed next to me through labour of DD1 and DD2! At least he was laid back!!)

Hi I gave birth very fast (45mins) and hubby ended up with me on his own for most of the birth (MW walked in the door on the last contraction) Hubby was great throughout the birth, but struggled afterwards, feeling as though he did not bond with the baby, I think he was in shock. After long discussions he now realises that it was the trauma of being at the birth alone and feeling as though the safety of me and our baby was in his hands. Hubby has now bonded well and is a great daddy (DS 6 months)

My DH likes to try to control things and also has a very short attention span so i asked him to keep a record of how long each contraction was and the length of time since the last one, telling him it would enable us to see how things were progressing!

Of no use whatsoever but kept him occupied and out of trouble for 7 hours (and is quite a nice momento in my DS's memory box)

I was induced and had a fetal heart monitor throughout. The lovely midwife got DH to keep a sharp eye on that, as well as all the hand holding etc. (I found that having a regular rhythm to focus on really helped me, as well.)

DH is a biologist (geneticist!) by training, so the gory bits didn't really phase him, and he was absolutely wonderful through the whole labour. I have a photo of him holding ds immediately afterwards, looking euphoric and utterly exhausted, as if he did all the hard work himself!

I'm having a doula for precisely the reasons set out. My DP has two children already (well, adults now!) and both births were traumatic and very medicalised.

I didn't want him to be faced with those fears when this little one is arriving, and I don't want him to feel he's responsible for 'running the show' or trying to second guess what I need. I need him to be calm and in control of himself as we are hoping for minimum intervention and above all I want it to be a happy experience as far as possible.

Maybe I'm being idealistic but you gotta have a plan! V interesting about finding him things to do so he doesn't get into mischief feels empowered. Will have to think of something suitably manly - he's a 'fixer', he'll need something to 'fix'

Loopymumsy - I have a friend whose husband did the exact same thing with the Milton!!! (and about the same timescale ago.... you weren't in Portsmouth too, were you?!?!??!!?

I have therefore briefed my DH very carefully and hidden all similar products.

If your DP is anything like mine was, then I bet your DP has let you take the lead during the pregnancy, that he has defered to your opinions on nursery colour schemes and whether to attend ante natal classes. He has probably sat by slightly passively, let you read all the books and just have the really interesting bits read out to him.

But he does need to understand that during the birth he will need to be strong and focused. If you have a birth plan, he should read, discuss and understand it in advance. And he needs to think through his likely reactions to some of the things that he may be asked or may see before you actually go into labour.

The reason I say this, is threefold (depending of course how you are coping and what is happening)

1. he may have to act as your mouthpiece to ensure your wants and needs are heard - you may not be able to participate fully in discussions and he needs to feel confident that he is able to express your wishes for you.
2. In the event of you and your baby being seperated after the birth (perhaps an EMCS or similar), he may be the first person to hold the baby or need to make decisions about the feeding and care of the baby. Has he thought about skin-to-skin contact etc. He will be your eyes and ears for all the first moments that you may miss.
3. If he feels badly affected by 'the gore' or watching an epidural or similar, he needs to be strong and make his own decision about whether he can stay. A muttered 'I'm just stepping outside' is far easier for everyone to cope with, than a six footer who passes out in the middle of things.

Ideally, he'll just get to time the contractions - but he may have a crucial role to play for all of you.

At our NCT classes, I felt that the blokes got a really hard time with the girls rather assuming that their men were passive, ignorant and ineffective. Maybe their men are, and I'm just one of the lucky ones. Surely a lot of what happens at birth is common sense in the end (although daunting). If they go to the ante natal classes and engage in them, they'll get all the info they need. OK - so there are few things that we can advise on / help with - like putting out the hospital bag clearly, putting together the first set of clothes for the baby to wear - but in the heat of the moment, having been sleep deprived, I think I would want that ready for me!

We're having a home birth so he's got definite jobs to do; and actually, I think he's looking forward to that in a way, especially as it's in his environment. In the hospital might be different, but I think he feels a bit more empowered at home. Perhaps because it's a "project". Yeah it could be long and tedious and the potential of 36 hours of being constantly encouraging is a bit of bore, but hey, if that's what it is, so be it.

I think DH knows me well enough and we communicate fairly well. He knows my birth preferences. He knows that I will get discouraged at some point - but that in my heart of hearts I'll want to battle through without interventions AND he's intuitive enough to weigh up info given to him by the midwives and to know when enough is enough and when to call it a day and to step in.

Just keep communication lines open. Trust him. Don't obsess about stuff. Keep to the facts. Decide what's important and what's incidental. Try to engage him on his terms (my hubby likes tick lists for instance). Don't nag. Give him genuine decisions to make. Let him make mistakes.

piprabbit sums up what I would have said very eloquently! Make sure he knows the plan and is prepared to be your advocate. My DH was brilliant, although I know he found the end of the birth (high forceps delivery with no pain relief...and yes, I screamed the place down at that point) very difficult. I was induced and he cajoled the midwife into letting me labour on my knees, got her to bring in bean bags to keep me comfy; rubbed my back and gave me the drink with the bendy straw. He was also left to deal with brand new dd on his own after everyone rushed off with me to surgery following a snapped umbilical cord, PPH and needing 40 stitches. I think he found dealing with the brand new baby a bit scary too, but he was great. He also did nearly all the nappy changes when we were in hops inc meconium ones!) and also changed my sheets and remade my bed everyday whilst I had a shower.

I also found that at my NCT classes. The men really did get a hard time, were made to look like fools at times.

In the end DH's role was to time the contractions (he wrote them all down) and attach the TENS machine. He tried rubbing my back, but it interfered with the TENS. At the hospital he took over getting me out of the waiting room and into the delivery room as the midwife wasn't taking me seriously, good job he did as I was 8cm dilated.

In the delivery room he kept me calm when things started to get a bit scary.

After the birth he really came into his own. He was much more confident handling DS than I was. He was better at changing his clothes, better at nappies. The only thing I was better at was breast feeding.

I downloaded this contraction timer onto DP's laptop. It was really useful and helped him keep track of how things were progressing when I was in the at-home-in-the-bath stage - a lot easier and more accurate than bits of paper and stopwatches, and I think it helped him get into the right frame of mind to support me later on.

Thanks everyone, this is all such fantastic information. shipsladyg, I think I need to print out your post. Particularly the 'give him genuine decisions to make. let him make mistakes.' Seems like words to live by. I so appreciate you all taking the time to post here.

Some great tips on this MN thread

Ooops I mean here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=childbirth&threadid=654449-DH-wants-to-know-what-to-do-during-labour-to #13317119

DH's advice is

1. do what you're told. don't say anything
2. stay at the head end..(mother not baby)
3. don't go out and get drunk soon after.

The best thing my DH did for me during labour was to manage to make me laugh (albeit unintentionally!)

His response on being woken in the middle of the night and being told "it's time" was like a Monty Python sketch, with him flailing around, trying to rush me half naked into the car, then having apoplexy because the car doors were frozen shut. I couldn't help laughing, despite the contractions!

When I think about it, his panic actually made me feel calmer! Would have hated a man who presumed he could be in charge, so maybe better for your DP not to be too knowledgeable and in control!

But I could have done without him sniggering at the state of my hair!!

At last - a thread where I can provide first-hand experience!

I've been through two very different labours with DW, and for me the thing I found hardest in both cases was having to suspend my normal role of being protector/provider. I was not the medically skilled midwife in the room, and that was the support DW needed at the time.

So I guess there are three main things I'd say make the most difference:

1. Be prepared that you (DH) are not going to be in control, and are not going to be able to be the one protecting your wife and providing the maternity care she needs. You have to delegate that responsibility to the midwives.

1. Be strong about standing up for her wishes, and being her advocate during labour/birth. This means you need to understand and agree with her birth choices and the reasons behind them, so that you can make informed decisions on her behalf if you are asked to. It does not mean that you need to start off with an adversarial attitude - it's just about being informed and sensible so that you can make her wishes heard if needed.

1. Try to enjoy the birth of your child. You do not have to do anything like being at the business end or cutting the cord unless you want to. In my case I cut the cord but I wasn't bothered about seeing the baby born - it was more important that I spent the time with DW helping her through the process than marvelling at just how you get a grapefruit out of there.... Nobody is going to judge you for not being the modern man and videoing the moment of birth!

It's a wonderful time and an amazing change in both your lives. I hope you can relax enough throughout the process and enjoy the end result.