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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

My Mum wants to be at the Birth - My partner rather she isn't - I don't know. What do I do?

39 replies

Dutchroots · 08/08/2009 17:15

DP will definitely be there. Mum and DP get on but I think he wants it just to be 'us' and them/family to come after. My mum would also love to be there to help support too. I can't decide if I do or don't want her there. Part of me does, and part of me doesn't. But she will be soooooo put out if I say no. Advice!!!!!!

OP posts:

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skidoodle · 08/08/2009 17:19

You will be the one in labour, so what is important is what you feel comfortable with and whom you want there for support.

Your mother is out of line to pressure you like this (which in itself would make me wary of having her there) and it is not your partner's place to deny you support you think you need during the birth.

Try to decide what you want and do that. Ignore pressure to please other people on this.

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 08/08/2009 17:21

Do you think your mum would be helpful to you in labour in ways that your DH won't be able to? If yes then have her there.

Mimile · 08/08/2009 17:27

It's a difficult one, but I think that it is important for fathers to feel like they are not just there for support - it is the birth of their baby too. So maybe worth talking with your DP to see if he fears being sidelined or else?

PlumBumMum · 08/08/2009 17:33

I wouldn't want her there just because you don't want her feeling put out, because then she is there for the wrong reasons.

My mum was with me for awhile and tbh it was nice but she was anoying me too as she kept saying oh please take some pain relief, I wish I could just do it for you
she went out to get some lunch (MIL arrived too) and I told dh I didn't want anyone back into labour ward,
I just wanted to concentrate on doing my own thing, they were happy enough to wait in the fathers room and dh went out with updates!

skidoodle · 08/08/2009 17:38

I think it's important for fathers to recognize that they are just there for support. They have no automatic right to be there, and they certainly shouldn't be laying down the law about who else can attend.

dittany · 08/08/2009 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trixymalixy · 08/08/2009 17:41

My DH wasn't too keen about having my Mum there either. He thought it was the birth of our baby and should just be us there.

In the end I was glad she wasn't there as it was a really special moment with just the two of us and i felt anyone else apart from the midwifes would have got in the way a bit.

clayre · 08/08/2009 17:44

does your hosp let you have more than one birth partners? mines never unless you were very young or very vunerable

Greensleeves · 08/08/2009 17:46

they can't actually stop you clayre, whatever they say. It's a hospital, not a prison.

Mimile · 08/08/2009 17:47

I'm not having my mother there with me in a few weeks time as she has a tendency to take over from DP - who is the quiet type and likes to please. But I know he has been looking forward to the birth as the moment where he will be the one there to support me, and will get the first peek at his baby. I just don't feel like taking this away from him. My mum took it quite well, I think (I didn't elaborate on her "taking-over" side).

LadyPinkofPinkerton · 08/08/2009 17:50

Actually I disagree with Skidoodle and think your DP has a right to have an opinion on who will be there for the birth of your child. It is his child too.

I understand that it is you giving birth but it is a very special moment and if he would prefer it to be just the two of you then I think that is fair.

clayre · 08/08/2009 17:54

i suppose your right greensleeves, the hospital rules didnt bother me thou as the last thing i would have wanted was my mother interfering with her head up my fanjo, she wouldnt have been supportive she would have made it worse!

skidoodle · 08/08/2009 17:56

A right to an opinion?

LOL it's amazing what some women think men have a right to an opinion on.

He can have whatever opinion he wants, but it carries no more weight than the woman who will actually be giving birth decides it should.

A decent man supports his partner's wishes during a time when she is going through a massive, painful, potentially dangerous physical experience and doesn't try to impose his agenda when he will just be sitting there spectating.

Either way it sounds like the op has two overbearing people telling her how her labour should be. How do you want it to go?

slushy06 · 08/08/2009 17:57

My dp didn't say anything regarding who would attend my birth. But we did something that might seem like a good compromise to your dp if you do want your mum there.

We called my mum at the end of the birth and she arrived for the pushing stage to help as it was my first I wanted her there but on the second when I felt more confidant it was just me and dp. If you would feel better having her there maybe suggest this idea to dp.

SheWillBeLoved · 08/08/2009 18:03

I could have written that post a few weeks ago. DP always wanted it to be just us. In the end we compromised on having her there until it was time to push. She ended up staying for the whole thing, and I'm so glad we didn't chase her out now. Her support was amazing, and having somebody there who has gone through it all before was such a big help. Even DP agreed afterwards that he would have cracked up if somebody else wasn't there so that he could take a breather at times!

However, I do think it's wrong of her to make you feel that she will be so put out if you don't want her there. The only people that should matter are you and your DP - stuff everyone else and what they want.

NancysGarden · 08/08/2009 18:05

Please give your own wishes thought here and go with your heart. My best friend and DP (arch enemies) were both at DD's birth (what was I thinking?!). It was a nightmare, you could cut the atmosphere with a knife and there was poor old me, balancing on a birthing ball, doing my breathing, wishing I had chosen differently. And in the end, I sent bestfriend home and called Mum who came and sorted me out. (DP was a bit wet in the event: if I have another, I want Mum there, but everyone's different.)

SleepWhenImDead · 08/08/2009 18:09

I think it's really important that Dads step up to the mark as soon as possible when a baby arrives, and I think over-involvement from the mum's mother can hamper this. I would respect your partner's wishes that this is an important time when your immediate family is starting (I am assuming it's your first?) and that it's now the 3 of you. Sure, your mum can help with the baby once it arrives but if she is over-involved I think it might send signals to your partner that he's not that crucial, and this might have longer consequences into the future for you all.

nellie12 · 08/08/2009 18:11

The important thing is to maintain a calm and relaxed atmosphere whilst in labour. So go with whatever support will allow for that. It maybe that you only want one in at a time, if its a long labour they may be glad to take turns and support each other.

You are the patient, it is your decision and the hospital will back you up. They can enforce a one birthing partner policy if they ant on health and safety grounds (depends on space available for mw to do their job) and best interests of the patient.

oneopinionatedmother · 08/08/2009 18:13

whoever you want - it's not for them to decide.

you wil be naked, in pain - their feelings really are a somewhat secondary consideration.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 08/08/2009 18:19

I think you need to work out what you want. Stop thinking about what other people want. What would you prefer. Write a list of pros and cons if you need to.

Whatever you decide you want - that's what should happen.

oneopinionatedmother · 08/08/2009 18:23

timesonline.typepad.com/alphamummy/2009/07/is-it-really-so-important-for-the-dad-to-be-at-the-delive ry.html

for related thoughts...

also:if your mums birthing philsophy is different to yours that could be a factor to consider

heverhoney1 · 08/08/2009 18:39

I had a similar situation. I was very lucky that my mum was around during the first stage of labour as I really needed her. Then her, my Dad and my sister waited in the waiting room during the second stage - in the end it wasn't quite "Just us" due to shoulder dystocia and a full crash team. However I am glad it was only the fear on DPs face I had to contend with as I was suprisingly calm and dont think I would have been if my mum had been in there too.

Original poster

Dutchroots · 08/08/2009 19:24

Thanks for all the great advice.... much appreciated. I will write a list of pros and cons. But my thinking at the moment is that a great compromise would be to have my mum in for the early stages but just me and DP for the pushing/last stage/actual delivery....
Also, a good point is that having both there earlier on means they can relieve each other....

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 08/08/2009 19:28

i had my mum there for both births, if my mum hadn't been at them I don't think I'd have ended up with anyone apart from mw's for dd1's birth because dd1's bio dad tried to leg it and my mum dragged him back!.
Dp I think would have stayed with me but i think knowing my mum was there for us both helped him (he's very squeemish)

BabyBump2B · 08/08/2009 19:31

I think you have to wonder how you will feel when you're incapacitated. I want DH to feel as much a part of the experience as he can - I think that's his right more than my mother's. That said my mother would annoy the hell out of me in that sort of situation so it would be better if she wasn't there.

Some friends of ours allowed the mothers to come to the hospital but with the understanding that they may not be welcome in the rooms. They waited outside and were invited in a couple times but the majority of the time was just the couple.

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