My Mum wants to be at the Birth - My partner rather she isn't - I don't know. What do I do?

[Dutchroots]

DP will definitely be there. Mum and DP get on but I think he wants it just to be 'us' and them/family to come after. My mum would also love to be there to help support too. I can't decide if I do or don't want her there. Part of me does, and part of me doesn't. But she will be soooooo put out if I say no. Advice!!!!!!

It's up to you as you will be the one giving birth. It is more important that your partner is there than your mother as it is his child as well and in my opinion if you are just trying to avoid hurting your mother's feelings she is the one being unfair.

Was she there at conception? If so, then yes, she should be there...

dutch haven't read all replies am in hurry but a quickie

BIL 1st baby, partner very domineering mother, insists she's at birth of baby.

Induction , baby not ready 3 days at hosp, mother and my bil ended up slanging match in labour suite, bil storms out leaving partner distressed and angry. He came back couple hours later, was there at birth more hours later

To this day, (dn is 3 and half) she has never forgiven him for "leaving her in her hour of need". I have to say she is a particularly unreasonable person but in her eyes he left her even though it was that or kill his future mil. (prob not a good move, )

Just saying be careful, hormones are scary things, this is between you and dh, what he wants is important too.

I had my mum & dad in during my labour with DS1, although ended in c/s, so was just DH for the delivery. I don't know if mum would have stayed for the delivery otherwise, I know my dad wouldn't have done (he rushed outside every time they did an internal). It was a long old slog though, so they provided relief for DH. After my c/s, I was a bit ill, so my mum stayed with me whilst DH changed out of scrubs, saw DS1 etc. Tag team worked well. They held DS1 whilst I was transferred to the ward and sorted out. They all saw DS1 having his first feed (my youngest sister was there too by that point!). It was all lovely. Great photos and memories of DH and my dad in Who's the Daddy? and Who's the Granddaddy? t-shirts. (arriving at hosp to birth - 12 hours)

With DS2 my parents lived in Cyprus. Again, long drawn out affair. My mum managed to make it from Cyprus between waters breaking (Sun night) and DS2 arriving (Sat night)! My youngest sister looked after DS1, and my middle sister and mum visited me whilst in labour. They then went home. When the induction/augmentation seemed to be not working, and a c/s was called for, I asked for my mum to come in again. She did, and supported me for a while so DH could have a break. DS2 was eventually born naturally, and my mum was there for all of it. It has traumatised her a bit I think as it ended badly (DS2 crashed at birth, went to SCBU, but is fine now). However, her support was great. DH went with DS2 whilst I had a bath, got stitched up etc. Another tag team effort. They both got me settled in the room before leaving together. (arrival at hosp to birth - 52 hours!!)

It really depends on how it goes, but if it gets long like my labours did, I think having two (or more!) people is a bonus for the person in labour to feel fully supported the whole time.

I do think your partner should have a voice in this. I think the birth experience can be a powerful one for dads as well as mothers, & if he starts off feeling uncomfy and pushed out (if those are his concerns...) then it ain't a great start.

Once you understand his concerns, then they have to be played off against your pros/cons of having her there (from YOUR perspective, rather than hers/ your dh's)

I personally think it should just be mother and father there.
I am very close to my Mum but wuldnt have even thought of haveing her there.
We made the baby together DH and I , wanted it to be us to be the first to see the baby.

We called my parents when I was at hosp after waters broke - and they immediately started to drive down - 2.5 hr drive. We were a bit cross that they were on way as hadnt discussed it before hand. We had planned for dh to be supportive and sole birth partner. In fact hosp sent me home saying that I was not in established labour - I felt otherwise! DH was absolutely crap and went to sleep in spare room. I didn't even last 2 hours at home. Mum arrived, said wtf and insisted I call the hospital again. DH was against this. I was 8cm on arrival and had had no pain relief and felt really poorly treated. Happy ending - lovely ds and normal delivery. But can honestly say that Mum saved the day and was amazing. DH sent her out just before pushing started - and I felt really sad afterwards that she hadnt stayed to the end. DH may have made the baby but he didnt help the birthing process at all - managed to meet his own needs nicely. Bloody men - I do really love him by the way!!

Its a difficult one. I think your DP has a right to a say, but you really need what you want to be the top priority. As with some people already saying, if you feel your mum will be useful to have there, then you should. She can provide a welcome break for DH, especially if this is your first and it can take some time.

My mum was meant to be there, but was having chemo so my best friend who is a nurse was there instead. It was fantastic. DH was able to support me but also be emotional and not have to bottle up all his tension for hours and hours and hours. He was able to go out for fresh air or a coffee or a bite to eat without worrying about me being on my own or missing anything as friend would have called him if he was needed back asap. He felt happier that there were 2 eyes and ears making sure things were going right, as he did not know much about the process (as he would not first time and all, but helped that friend was a nurse). He was able to stroke my hair and hold my hand and reassure me while my friend chased where my diamorphine was, or went to ask if I could change positions while being monitored, that kind of thing.

Second time, and we are undecided about whether we want friend there again as she was so helpful, but this is the second time so we are more prepared.

And you could always ask her to let you and DH be there only, just for the actual birth so its still intimate between the 2 of you, and for her to pop in again a little while after. She will understand.

My friend was so inobtrusive when the baby was born, we almost forgot she was there! She backed right off, and took pictures of us three though when DD was minutes old which was the best.

Hi,new here!
Hope it´s OK to just jump in!
I am wondering how this suggestion has come up?
Has your Mum asked to be there?
If so, can´t help wondering why if your partner will be there.

I so would not want my mum there for the births, unless my DH wasn't around to be there. But it all depends how you would feel.

Under no circumstances should you have her there just because she would be hurt if you don't. As someone else said - decide what you want, then do that.

I think you should do with what you feel comfortable with. My mum was with me for my first labour and i really wanted her to, it made me more comfortable that she was there to hold my hand with dp holding the other one.

It would never have crossed my mind to have my mother there - in fact, I would rather have given birth alone!

We (both, me and dh) felt it was the start of "our" new family and as such it was a time for us (and in the end, 2 midwives, an obstetrician, a paediatrician and a student midwife!) - and I did think that dh had the right to a say in who would be there as it was his baby as much as mine.

But I knew he wasn't likely to be squeamish or anything - he's a doctor and had actually worked for 6 months in the maternity unit where I had 2 of our 3 children, before any of them were born.

I would say a really important thing is that whoever you have needs to be able to stand up for you and what you want - dh and I had talked over the birth a lot, and he knew my feelings on most aspects of it so was able to be my advocate when I couldn't explain myself!