Not with the dad: how soon shd he meet LO after the birth?

[fangelina]

Got pregnant during a fling which unsurprisingly ended when I announced BFP. No radio contact with father for first 5 months, but recently he has said he wants to see baby about once a month and contribute £ - all good.
However, we don't talk that much and he's done feck all to help me get sorted for EDD in 3 weeks' time.
I plan to give birth near my mum's. He wants to come in 'as soon as the baby is born to hold it' but I'm not sure I feel emotionally connected with him to have him straight in after god knows how many hrs of labour.
He wants me to text him when contractions start as he lives a good 6 hours away, but I'd rather wait til LO's here so he can meet them the next day when I'm in a better headspace. But AIBU? It is his child too, after all, despite the circumstances....

I f you feel that strongly (and its you that has to go through pregnancy and hours of labour) ring him after baby is born to give you time alone first.

Simply say you were a bit busy labouring and all to TXT him.

Or say it 'all happened really quickly' and didn't have time?

I think you are being unreasonable. This is his child and whilst you don't have to have him there when you are labour you should allow him to anticipate the birth with excitement and to be required to jump into action. This is his child coming into the world - let him drop what's he doing, leap in the car and wait for the birth. He's the father - not a visitor - and he deserves to be treated as such. However it's really important that this doesn't make you feel vulnerable so make sure you have good support there too.

If he is a normal sort of guy (not violent or alcoholic or anything, I mean) it would be far better to let him come in as soon as he wants to. It is his child, he needs to be allowed the opportunity to bond with him or her. This is not dependent on how much help and support he has given you during the pregnancy - its about the child, not about you.
Thus, you will keep the moral high ground, as well as giving your child the best start in life that you can.

From a purely practical side, you will probably have a much easier time in the future if your child's father is actively and financially involved in his child's upbringing.
I speak as a single mother whose ex gives zero financial support, and never has all the children.

It's really up to you, you will have been through the mill with giving birth, or be in the throws of labour. You could see him as the father of your baby and find a new respect for him, for making your child together. Or he could walk in as you are mooing and licking the walls in agony and you will want to chew his head off.

You will have to accept that he is the baby's father and he will have his own relationship with the child which will be separate from you. This could be hard, especially the longer it takes for you to let him in.

In my case, DC1s Dad was waiting outside the hospital for me to call him and tell him he could come in. Only awkward bit was him meeting my entire family for the first time, minutes after I had given birth to his child, their grandson/nephew.

He is obviously wanting to be involved, and I don't think you should shut him out. All of your relationships will evolve over time, and you need to let that happen I think.

Good luck with it. I hope all goes well with the labour.

This is a difficult one. I absolutely understand that you need your own time to recover. I can also see that he does wants to play a part in baby's life and is anxious to get off to the right start by having an early opportunity to bond with baby, rather than feeling left out of the experience.

Difficult through it is - it would be best to try to keep decisions on a practical level rather than emotional one as much as possible - and try to ensure that he understands the reasons and is on board with them. You're the one taking on all the hard work and emotion of pregnancy, childbirth, and raising a child. It's VERY easy to have some resentment for the fact that, whilst you are going through all this, meanwhile he does nothing for 5 months, then makes some promises, then swans in to bond with your baby at the last minute. I think I would be HUGELY resentful. But if he feels that you're just keeping him away as punishment, it starts a cycle of resentment which, in the long term and in the interests of the baby, it would be best to avoid. So, whatever arrangement you come to, do try to make sure that he understands your concerns and the practical reasons behind any decision - and, deserving or not, try to make him feel included rather than excluded. Sorry not sure if I'm making any sense. Hope some of that helps.

Sorry as an afterthought - any possibility that you will be so happy after birth you will be pleased he is there taking an interest?

ps your OP suggest he wants to walk in practically as you are giving the last push, whilst you want him to wait till the next day. Any chance of a happy medium? Perhaps he would understand that you want a few hours to recover from labour, have a little bit of time to bond yourself first and, if breastfeeding, giving that a go? But he would still feel amongst the first to meet his child whilst still only a few hours old?

i wonder if ceebie makes an interesting point about you resenting his lack of radio contact etc and being cross about him swanning in. is that something you'd considered?

you dont have to have him ther while you give birth but if he's at the hospital then you can let him in once you've had a chance to bond and get cleaned and changed. or you might surprise yourself and want him there during labour. but i dont think its right not to let him know till after the baby is born. at least if he's there you have options and as has been said, the moral highground which believe me, makes a difference if things dont turn out well.

well, i surprise myself here by thinking yanbu at all and that if it were me and hed behaved as i interpret your op to say (dismissively, rubbishly, wanting to get in on the glory bit but being feck all use for the previous 9 months of this childs life when youve actually been coping with all the shite) then id be v much of a mind to tell him he can bloody well wait till im good and ready ta v much.
or not tell him at all, but do as you say and call him when its all over and youre ready for a visit.
he may well be a parent too but hed have to do a damn site more earning of respect from me before i let him waltz all over the physical and emotional everest that is giving birth to a first child.

Vaguely - yes well that's all well and good if this is actually all about the op - but it isn't. There is a child coming into the world here and the child's father deserves the chance to step up and be an amazing father - and he deserves to meet his child as soon as the mum can possibly cope with it. Good bonding with both parents is in the best interests of the child and it is the child's needs which must be paramount.

I would text him after the birth when you feel ready to visitors - Explain to him that this is what you will do, as then you are being upfront. Dont stress yourself out when your contractions start about him being around - it will not do you any good.

There is a child coming into the world and if the op is stressed about the father this could well impact on the birth of that child.

I don't think YANBU at all, you will need to clean up, may need stitches straight after your baby is born. Possibly a compromise - that he comes in after an hour or two if he feels up to it.

Northern and others - I take your point, but a baby is for life, I don't see that a few hours or even a day in a newborn's life make that much difference unless the father chooses to obsess about that.

I mean "if you feel up to it" not "if he feels up to it".

If you are no longer with the father, it is up to you entirely whether or not you invite him to the birth. It is, after all, quite understandable not to want to have the father present at the birth even if you are deeply in love with him and your relationship is brilliant.

But you should let him know quite quickly after the birth how things are - by email would be fine.

A few hours or a day do make a differnece in a newborns life - not to the child in fairness but can you imagine if you were told you could not see your newborn until 24hrs after birth? When that wrinkly squashy look has gone, they already open their eyes properly not still blinking at the bright light, when that lost baby rabbit look has already begun to go? Just because he is the father does not mean he has any less right to share those moments. You would never do that to a mother.

Yes it is your decision, no you should not have him in there the second you deliver, he is asking too much. However, once you have had your baby you will be going for a bath, getting changed and generally recovering a bit. THis is the perfet time for dad to come in and bond. You will not even be in the room most of the time! You will have had chance to cuddle and gloat over how marvelous your child is. Can't you give him a few minutes to do that too? Set a time limit, say you only want him there for an hour/30 minutes/whatever and that he has to come back at visiting time after that.

It's not something you can replace is it?
You made the child together, you should both be there to welcome him into the world together.
It'll be a great moment for you all

Give them a chance to have a relationship, let him know his child, let him hold his child, we may carry them, but a mans need and right to love and hold his child is the same as ours (obviously I am talking about a non violent, non controlling man, not an abusive manipulator)

I had my ds at 21 as a single mother, my boyfriend was a prat, he lasted about 12 wks into pregnancy, but he was there when ds was born, and he has been there ever since, and I am glad he was, not for me, tbh cant stand the man, but my ds loves him, and they have the pics and the stories, and they have a relationship, it can only establish love and trust between them, it is a fathers right to meet his child, and a childs right to have a father.

I know it is your choice and he really has not much of a chance if you say no, but imagine being kept from your child, it would be unbearable.

Good luck,

fangelina - I can understand your concerns, but I do think that the consideration that he lives 6 hours away also needs to be taken on board. If you call him staight after the birth it will take him time to get to you anyway, so you would have at least 6 hours of bonding time. But that would be bonding time with his child that he will be missing out on. He may feel that you are trying to keep him out of his son/daughters life.

Remember men do not understand all the pregnancy thing, or what is needed to prepare for the arrival of the baby. They can't understand it all even if you try to explain it to them.

I think that you should tell him that first labour can last 12 hours or more, and ask if he is wanting to wait OUTSIDE for that time. He should not be in the labour room unless you specifically want it. Or rather than waiting around for hours with nothing to do, would he prefer to be the first to be told that the baby has arrived and come straight away and be the baby's first visitor?

I am just trying to make a few suggestions but it is your body and your baby, and his baby, so the way you solve this is your decision and you are not being unreasonable, whatever you do, as long as you have taken on board the fathers need to bond with the child too.

My gut instinst says it would be best/fair to let him know when you go into labour...it sounds like he's trying to do the right thing.
I'm sure the maternity staff will not let him into the labour room until you are ready/cleaned up etc. At least he can be at the hospital, and meet the baby when you are brought back to ward.
Good luck with baby

There is no need for the father to see his baby the minute he/she is born for the father and baby to bond .

whatever an instinst is

I would tell him you will text him the minute the baby is born, and that he will be the very first visitor (except your mum obviously) and very welcome in the new baby's life. But you will need some time to recover from the birth and get cleaned up and have the first BF etc so you can meet with dignity when he arrives. For me this would not be about punishing the father for being so crap in the pregnancy, but about not wanting someone around whilst I was still very vulnerable, who was not my partner or my mum. 6 hours will not make much difference to him but it would make a big difference to me.

My first labour (well only actually!) was 48 hrs from first established, regular contractions to birth. It could be days that he is waiting for you. Personally I would have found the thought that I was being waited for quite a lot of pressure and would have detracted from concentrating on the labour itself. Make sure that you explain to him that it could be a VERY long time that he is waiting for. Alternatively you could have my friend's first labour where she thought she'd better go to the labour ward to see what these pains were, was ready to push in the car and the baby was born in 20 mins of arriving at the hospital! I think you need to impress upon him just how uncertain all of this is and him being there just after the birth may well not be in your control particularly given the distance.

I can thing of few things less unreasonable that wanting your labour and the aftermath to only be attended by professionals and those that you feel close to. It is important for both you AND the baby that you feel as relaxed and focused as possible at that point. I would tell him that he will be the first visitor (apart from your birth partner(s)) and you will aim for that visit to take place as soon as possible after the baby has been born and everything has been cleaned up. BUT I would impress upon him that it is all an uncertain process. You really don't want to have a situation in which he thinks you went back on your agreement and 'manipulated' things so he wouldn't be there.

Yes I had a friend who had two children and her third labour started on a visit to Scotland - her dh rushed up through miles of motorway after 7 hours he arrived at the hospital to be told his dp had gone back to her mothers house it was a false start!

She had the baby two weeks later!

ds's dad also wanted to be there for the birth, and I said no. my dp texted him when labour started, so he could travel to be nearby. I said he could come in as soon after the birth as possible, as long as he was prepared to leave the room at a moment's notice to protect my privacy.

my dp phoned him immediately ds arrived, in the event, it was good to have him there - someone to be with ds when they took him to NICU to be checked, and I think it really did help him bond. I've heard it's fairly common for babies to make a brief visit to NICU (and be absolutely fine afterwards - I'm not trying to worry you!), and it was nice for me to know ds wasn't alone.

15 months on, ds's dad is now an involved father, and while there have been some quite difficult times between us, it is lovely when ds sees his Dad and smiles.

so this is a long winded reply (sorry!). I'm trying to say I do understand your need for privacy and bonding - I've been there. But telling the dad when you're in labour (don't do it yourself - arrange for it to be one of the things your birth partner knows to do without asking), so he can be nearby, and letting him see your child soon after the birth, when you are ready, difficult though it may be to imagine now, could be the best thing. he definitely doesn't need to be there "as soon as the baby's born" though, you'll know on the day when you're ready.