Not with the dad: how soon shd he meet LO after the birth?

[fangelina]

Got pregnant during a fling which unsurprisingly ended when I announced BFP. No radio contact with father for first 5 months, but recently he has said he wants to see baby about once a month and contribute £ - all good.
However, we don't talk that much and he's done feck all to help me get sorted for EDD in 3 weeks' time.
I plan to give birth near my mum's. He wants to come in 'as soon as the baby is born to hold it' but I'm not sure I feel emotionally connected with him to have him straight in after god knows how many hrs of labour.
He wants me to text him when contractions start as he lives a good 6 hours away, but I'd rather wait til LO's here so he can meet them the next day when I'm in a better headspace. But AIBU? It is his child too, after all, despite the circumstances....

Thank you for all your kind replies. I have really thought over your advice, which I have found incredibly helpful.
I phoned him up last night and reassured him that of course he could meet LO on their birthday, but probably about an hour after I've delivered the placenta/been stitched up/tried a first feed. I said I would get my mum to text him when I'm 4 - 5 cm dilated so we know it's labour for real, and not a false alarm. That way I can feel safe with my mum in labour, enjoy a precious hour with her and newborn to ourselves, then let daddy in to meet his baby.
Of course I feel resentful that I've gone through this alone and he hasn't offered any interest until the "glory moment" - but I suspect this is a common reaction. I'm particularly grateful to other lone parents who have pointed out how important is it for fathers to have contact and to remember it's not about me - it's about my child. So thank you all!

agree with Catz and Mamachris. The most important thing about birth is to make sure the mother feels safe and as comfortable as is possible with the environment. Stress and worry and unfamiliar people are not good for the mother or the birthing process (although unfortunately unless you go private you are unlikely to have a midwife that you've ever met before). Same applies to all labouring animals as much as human beings.

Once the baby is born and you feel ready to meet adoring relatives who weren't present during the birth, your ex can come and meet his baby.

But agree, get your birth partner or someone else who will know once you go into labour, your mum or someone, to text him to let him know baby is on the way, as long as he understands first labours can be lengthy (and you can have false alarms) so he might be hanging around for sometime.

Good luck, hope it all goes well! I also hope your childs father has some idea what a fair minded and thoughtful mother you are/will be. If he can appreciate your attitude then things should work out well.

I think that's very generous of you, and assuming he's a decent human being, bodes well for a good relationship between the father and your child.

Also worth thinking about contact between him and the baby in the early days. I've seen some posts on here from lone mothers where the father has all sorts of daft ideas, like overnight contact with a tiny baby - NOT appropriate as little ones need their mothers and will be anxious if separated from them for any length of time. (And impractical if you are b/f.)

I think you are the priority here. Your emotional safety - so that the baby is with the happiest, most relaxed mother possible immediately after the birth. I think follow your instincts and don't let anyone make you feel guilty. Make sure you are comfortable and let him in when you feel you can welcome him. Even if you are not together he will have to learn a bit about you and if you are very private that's who you are.

I have all these issues too. I became pregnant after a relationship that had lasted a year. After applying pressure for me to have a termination the father is now very interested in playing a part in the child's life once it is born and wants to establish his rights. I feel that's jumping the gun and I need to make sure I feel safe and have given birth before I can say what I will be able to manage. It has to evolve over time and I think you should allow yourself to take your time - including in the hours after birth.

and i have just realised this was posted years ago!! i hope things are working out well

To be honest, I wouldn't make any promises at this stage.

You will likely feel incredibly raw and vulnerable after the birth, and possibly not in the mood for seeing him, especially if you have had a difficult birth and/or it is the middle of the night.

I'd tell him you will contact him 'asap' and make the judgement call as to when that should be at the time. It might be mid-labour, as soon as your baby arrives, or the following morning when you are rested.

Either way, it should be your choice. You are not banning him for meeting his baby a.s.a.p - far from it, you are being very reasonable - but you do have some right to privacy and space.

who you see during and immediately after birth is your own choice - he isn't your partner so his opinion doesn't count.

when you feel up to it is the appropriate time for him to see the newborn.

Don't text him until the baby is born. First ones can take days (plus false alams), so no point for him to set off and find it's ages yet. Last thing you want is him pacing around waiting when you'd rather not see him anyway...

This thread is over a year old!