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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Help me convince my phobic husband that a homebirth is a good idea/

35 replies

leakyR · 26/01/2009 21:58

I am 25 weeks pg with dc2. Had my first birth in hospital in Leeds, but moved to lancashire early last year.
Saw midwife today and she told me that it is not as likely that I'll get the hospital waterbirth that I want (and had with ds1) here in Bury.
The mat unit is v small, only 5 delivery rooms, 1 with a pool. The pool is not used very frequently for births - only labour and she said she wasn't sure how many of the midwives would be "comfortable" with waterbirth. she did not know stats or anything for the hsopital, but said my best chance for a waterbirth is at home.

When I first found out about my pregnancy I brought this up with dh. I love the idea of a home waterbirth. He has a serious medical phobia and following his sister's traumatic (hospital) birth which resulted in our niece having cerebral palsy is very nervous about things going wrong at home.

My first birth was fantastic and I would love the opportunity to deliver in water again, but am struggling to get him to look at hb as a serious option.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Howdie · 26/01/2009 22:04

LeakyR. Have a look at www.homebirth.org.uk and show your DH the site too. Is there a local homebirth support group you could take him too? If you join the email discussion group linked to the homebirth site you could ask on there if there are others local to you planning homebirth and if there is a support group.

You could also ask the community midwife to come to your house to discuss homebirth with your DH.

MrsJamesMartin · 26/01/2009 22:06

My husband was very unsure, I made sure he came with me to all my hospital appointments the other families that were there were enough to convince him that staying at home was the best option!!

Original poster

leakyR · 26/01/2009 22:08

Have printed him some hb info (some from that site) to read on the train tomorrow. He said he'd be happy to talk to the local NCT homebirth adviser and the midwife too, so I'll see what I can organise.

After talking to him 3 months a go and again today i can't see us reaching an agreement we're both happy with. Part of me wants to shout "IT'S ME GIVING BIRTH - NOT YOU!"

OP posts:

Original poster

leakyR · 26/01/2009 22:08

After talking to him 3 months a go and again today i can't see us reaching an agreement we're both happy with. Part of me wants to shout "IT'S ME GIVING BIRTH - NOT YOU!"

OP posts:

Howdie · 26/01/2009 22:10

Just practice this mantra in front of the mirror to repeat to him Leaky - "No uterus - no opinion!" ;o)

Original poster

leakyR · 26/01/2009 22:10

The weird thing is dh is phobic about anything medical and had to have counselling to get him to the stage where he could attend appointments and the birth with me last time.

I would have thought homebirth would seem like a good option for him, but he's terrified.

OP posts:

Original poster

leakyR · 26/01/2009 22:15

LOL at mantra Howdie

OP posts:

ruthmollymummy · 26/01/2009 22:17

I sometimes feel sorry for our partners cos they really aren't in control of anything and the poor men like to think that they can take charge and take care of us. Its out of a real concern for your safety and the safety of your child rather than just a pig-headedness.

just be open with him. the homebirth website link you were already given is really good and there's a "but what if" section that is actually reassuring.

Remember to value his opinion, I know you will, but keep reminding him that if you're at home he can watch telly, play on his computer, whatever he likes doing! Laptop time convinced my DH!

SixSpot · 26/01/2009 22:20

I'm sure you know this, but if you had a straightforward labour and delivery last time with no complications, you will be just as safe at home as in hospital - probably safer.

Would he be reassured at all by proximity to the hospital ie you can still go to hospital if all is not progressing as it should?

I do sympathise with both of you - I was not allowed to try a homebirth with DS2 or DS3 after DS1 nearly died at birth.

AccidentalMum · 26/01/2009 22:22

Get him to talk to my DH .... he was the biggest home birth phobic ever and now he has been known to wear a T-Shirt to work with the slogam 'Home Birth - Just Do It' . He absolutely loved it, it was like we gave birth if that isn't too sick making, pushed our baby out intertwined together .

We hosted a homebirth support group while I was PG, as not one close enough and he asked the community midwife 2 questions: 'Will the baby be born not breathing?' and 'Will my wife bleed to death?'. I saw a book of men's experiences of HB somewhwere, will try and get a link.

AccidentalMum · 26/01/2009 22:23

SOrry...to clarify...the support group and asking the Qs were seperate occasions.

curlywurlycremeegg · 26/01/2009 22:27

leakyR, if he is dead set against it and you end up going for a hospital birth how far are you from Bolton? Their pool is used frequently and you will have midwives who are very skilled at waterbirth there. I am very pro HB, however just want to throw this option out to you

AccidentalMum · 26/01/2009 22:27

here

Neney1 · 26/01/2009 22:34

The way we saw it, birth is an intimate family event, it doesn't always have to be a medical drama.

For us, having our DS at home was (for the most part!) fairly relaxing and whats more, we were in charge, with our midwives (I had 3!) only intervening if WE needed them.

Like you, my husband was not keen on the idea, but i have to admit i was v stubborn and stuck by my choice. He came round to the idea a bit more when he realised I wasn't budging. Its only afterwards that he's now a pro homebirther!

As for reaching an agreement, I'm afraid we never did. I just had enough confidence for the both of us to know that it was the right choice for us and our baby.

blueshoes · 26/01/2009 22:40

I think men in general tend to take longer to come round to the idea of a home birth. You can hardly blame them - they just want their wife and soon-to-be-born child to be safe. It would be horrible for something to go wrong and he be unable to help effectively.

Particularly as he has seen how badly wrong things can go.

Howdie · 26/01/2009 22:44

Oh, I could have sworn I posted a message a moment ago and it's disappeared! weird.

Anyhoo. AccidentalMum has just posted the link now and that was the book I was going to mention. I have a copy in the library for the support group I help run and it's great.

MustHaveaVeryShortMemory · 26/01/2009 23:10

Why do you have to convince him? You're the one who has to do it? (Intended as nicely as possible, just wondering why the onus is on you rather than him having to convince you that you should have a hospital birth)

Kwini · 27/01/2009 15:49

Am in the same boat myself. The fact is, of course, that although we girls have to go through the ordeal, the baby is as much our partner's as ours - I don't think it's entirely fair to stomp on any dissent from our DPs just because we can pull the trump card of pregnancy and labour.

That said, I'd love a HB if possible (despite hearing one horror story about a case where the journey to hospital went horribly wrond, which I won't share on this thread... )

Kwini · 27/01/2009 15:50

wrond?? wrong

CatIsSleepy · 27/01/2009 15:54

show him this thread

lots of nice home birth stories

MustHaveaVeryShortMemory · 27/01/2009 19:32

Of course the baby belongs to both of you but the burden/ordeal of childbirth still lies with us girls... Hopefully an agreement can be reached in most cases but just wondering why the OP feels she must convince her dh and not the other way round?

funnypeculiar · 27/01/2009 19:43

I would hugely second the idea of getting him to a support group - dh went from very uncertain to uber-confident after one session at our local hb group (I had to work & couldn't make it)
Also hugely helped that my mw always talked about a booked homebirth as 'keeping your options open' - ie it was much easier to swop back to a hospital birth if you had wobbles on the day, but difficult to manage things the other way round.

Wiltedrose · 27/01/2009 19:53

Hello. I'm toying with the idea of a home birth for my next child, hubby also says no, claiming that 'if something went wrong' wouldn't it be better to be in hospital if you knew you would be home in a few hours anyway? (They do 6 hour discharges here).

Know what I think it is? I think it's nothing to do with that at all. I think it's a combination of the following (not necessarily in the right order).

I screamed so much last time, he is probably worried about what the neighbours might think. I also called him some very rude words, loudly. Again, neighbour embarrassment factor.
How can he ever watch Top Gear in comfort again knowing I had squished a 7 pounder out of my fanjo onto the living room floor right in front of the telly?
How can we ever have sex again in our own bed if that's where the birthing happened?

See, thats what I think it's all about.

Bubbaluv · 27/01/2009 19:58

What will you do if he cannot be swayed? Will you just do it anyway or will you, for the sake of his nerves, go into hospital?
Is there a middle ground available to you - could you, for example, get a doula or private midwife to assist with the waterbirth in hospital?

Loopymumsy · 27/01/2009 20:12

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