How to accept traumatic birth

[LivingForTheWinter]

I have two children, they are now 5 and 7.

Through some therapy I've been having for other reasons I've realized how traumatic I found labour (particularly my second).

I meet so many people who had traumatic births and then went on to have a better one and have said how healing they found it.
I so want a third but it won't happen and I wonder in part if why I want one is to help heal that trauma (I'm not saying that's a good thing!)

I know I need to get over it, our children are happy and healthy etc. but it still genuinely hurts when I see positive birth stories, it feels like a grief. I am so sad I'll never have that birth experience.

I would be a bit dubious. To be honest I think your therapist has had to do some deep diving to drag up an issue to explore.

Of all the things there are to worry about you want to go back 5 years to worry about something which is over and you can't change.
I'm worried that you are looking for reasons to worry.
Look forward, and enjoy what you have. If you feel you have been cheated somehow, I'm sure there are thousands of women who have horror stories. Find something positive to focus on.

You do not need to "get over it". You need birth trauma specific therapy to help you deal with it... That's what I did after my first. Can't recommend highly enough

Thank you. Did you go on to have another baby?

No it's always been there, it's just brought it to the fore. I properly sobbed when it came up.

I did, yes. And it was a much better experience. I advocated for myself more and made sure my birth plan was enforced... Not just something they take from you and then do whatever the hell they want. I know things can happen that need intervention quickly etc but there are ways of dealing with the aftercare that the NHS rarely gives enough time

I had another. It was terrifying but turned out to be a good, elective c section result.

It was healing but only a bit. The original trauma will always be there. Therapy has helped but I’ve also had to accept it will always stay with me.

I had a traumatic birth and stopped at one child. Wasn't going to go though that again. Still can't watch Call the midwife or One Born every minute.

I’d try and see a specialist in traumatic births. But i really don’t think having another baby just to have a “positive” birth js a good idea; zero guarantee of that.

No, I know. I would love another for lots of reasons anyway but DH is set against and it's not fair to put pressure on him.

I have a traumatic birth, which led to so many other issues.

Honestly I know therapy is an option, and it can really help, but what helped me was having a birth de-brief with the lead midwives at the hospital, I'm sure they thought what the hell, but this very lovely midwife arranged it for me ( not sure if it's the done thing or not) and time, time to heal, time to not be so hard on myself, time to also accept it did happen, and it's my story.

No matter how hard you try you could not change the experience. I've heard so many other stories, which are heartbreakingly worse!

Be kind to yourself.