How to accept traumatic birth

[LivingForTheWinter]

I have two children, they are now 5 and 7.

Through some therapy I've been having for other reasons I've realized how traumatic I found labour (particularly my second).

I meet so many people who had traumatic births and then went on to have a better one and have said how healing they found it.
I so want a third but it won't happen and I wonder in part if why I want one is to help heal that trauma (I'm not saying that's a good thing!)

I know I need to get over it, our children are happy and healthy etc. but it still genuinely hurts when I see positive birth stories, it feels like a grief. I am so sad I'll never have that birth experience.

I’ve wondered for a while if people have second ones to heal the trauma of the first.

The idea of this is so so toxic.
But it wouldn’t surprise me.

Honestly. People have more children because they want more children. Or sometimes because surprises happen.

I'm sorry I haven't returned to the thread
I contacted the trust with whom I gave birth and was told they don't do birth debriefs. Not that I was out of time, just that they don't do them.

I'm really struggling I think it's all fused in my head, my desire for another baby and my trauma over my births.

@LivingForTheWinter Would you consider a home birth? I had two really awful NHS hospital births in which I felt completely out of control and not listened to, and lack of staff unfortunately lead to a lot of issues.
My home birth was the most empowering experience I have ever had as a woman and gave me so much strength going forward ❤️

Id have loved a home birth.
DH doesn't want any more children.

Please do consider my previous post re therapy.

@LivingForTheWinter If he doesn't want any more then I guess you have to come to terms with that, although I know it's hard. Unfortunately there is no guarantee that another birth would be the one you had hoped for, although I do get where you are coming from.
I had my last baby in the height of Covid and knew categorically she would be my last; I felt robbed of the post-birth "happy" experience and mat leave was really difficult too. There was never going to be the chance to do it all again in more normal times.
Is your husband absolutely no more and solid on that?

You could request your notes and then have a debrief with a private midwife ? ( I just googled )

Worth considering that it’s another baby you want…not another person. Sorry this is going to sound preachy af but still valid - these children have to grow up and go into the system, go through all the bs we did. Is there really any need to make more? Maybe I’m an antinatalist now but, I’m just saying because you used the words “I want another baby”. Like it’s not a baby though it’s a whole entire life. Just incase you aren’t considering the bigger picture. Because heck, I don’t mind my life but in the grand scheme of things, I would probably still rather not have been born. And I don’t really understand people who are perpetuating the cycle. Especially when they already have a few kids already. Two is plenty.

Thank you, I didn't know this was a thing.

I will do, thank you x

I would also recommend the book "why birth trauma matters" by Emma Svanberg.

You gave birth twice. Your babies survived. You survived. You do g say anyone was injured permanently. I’d call that positive. I think we’ve been sold a pup with all this whale music and hypnobirth crap.

@THisbackwithavengeance The birth process shapes a women; there shouldn't be a reductionist approach of "You're fine, baby is fine, end of."
Birth is so much more than that.
My two hospital births and my home birth were absolute miles apart. In every way. My home birth empowered me.

Isn't it lucky these days we've got random people on the internet to tell us that our feelings don't matter.

I'm frustrated myself that I can't think 'we're both fine stop moaning'.
I think of when I went into labour and it was going so well and then it didn't so quickly

I had a traumatic birth, emergency C section at 8 months, baby in special care baby unit receiving treatment for jaundice, low birth weight, hypoglycemia, the whole nine yards. Then with the next one I had a planned C section, but again baby in SCBU with low birth weight, jaundice, hypoglycemia, etc, etc.

However, both children lived and I never gave the birthing process another thought. I was grateful to have two healthy children and counted my blessings.

Perhaps consider the alternative to the traumatic births and count your blessings.

@LivingForTheWinter
Your feelings are valid; please don't let anybody make you feel otherwise. A "good birth" is far more than an OK baby and OK mum at the end of it 💐

Good for you.

I'm sorry this happened to you. But other people having it worse does not make a distressing, traumatic, or negative experience somehow less real.
Physical injury doesn't become okay just because some people have accidental deaths.
Sexual assault doesn't become okay because some people are violently raped.
Verbal bullying doesn't become okay because some people are beaten up.
Coercive control doesn't become okay because some people experience physically violent forms of domestic abuse.

This reads to me as though your experiences of giving birth have somehow become tied in to your self esteem and identity, OP.

‘it still genuinely hurts when I see positive birth stories, it feels like a grief.’

This reads that there is a gulf between expectation and experience. And that you have become stuck there.

If you experience trauma as in flashbacks etc. might hypnotherapy be worth researching?

I refused to write a birth plan; my midwife told me that was wise. Just as well, as I didn’t have straight forward experiences either. 2 emm cs’s after long labours and a horrible time on the postnatal ward being called a failure because I was struggling to BF.

I always remember the term ‘failure to progress’. Well, I can categorically state that I’m an excellent mother with 2 wonderful young adult sons so any ‘failure’ my body had, thankfully modern medicine overcame so that we could all experience the amazing things in life that come after it begins.

I really hope you can find a way to feel better, OP.