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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Has anyones DH/P refused or made a huge fuss about attending the birth?

36 replies

pedilia · 28/03/2008 14:17

I remember watching a programme about Gordon Ramsey and his wife saying that it was better he was not there as he would be a total nightmare.
Not sure he actually wanted to be there as he stayed in his restaraunt for ages after he had the call

OP posts:

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Dropdeadfred · 28/03/2008 14:18

i though GR categoricaly said he wasn't at any of his dcs' births

ally90 · 28/03/2008 14:37

My dh seriously could not understand why I wanted him there and in his words 'men sit outside the room waiting and smoke a cigar' I really had to insist he did stay with me and we did not live in the 40's/50's/60's/70's anymore...but he was as much use as a chocolate fireguard...

me between contractions: look just tell me I'm doing really well...
Contraction hits...
dh: erm....your doing really well [hesitant/frightened emotion]

bless.

Think I'm forking out for a doula next time...for some reason the screaming got to dh

Taweret · 28/03/2008 14:42

Wimps!

My theory is that if I have to go through the agonies of labour, DH should be on hand to be my slave and see to my every whim.

He spent most of the time being fascinated by the monitors anyway.

"Oh look, darling. You're having a contraction!"

"Oh really?"

MrsTittleMouse · 28/03/2008 14:46

I think that some men don't really know what their role is supposed to be. In DH's case, he encouraged me to drink, and then held the endless round of kidney bowls as I was sick!
I wanted DH to be there, not only for him to be a support for me, but also so that he knew what I went through. I don't think that he could have had any idea of how bad it was if he wasn't there. He admitted afterwards that even though he had been to all the classes that he was completely shocked at how much it took out of me (DD was big and OP and the labour was very long and very painful). The upside is, however, that last night, after I got myself into a bit of a state wondering how well I'll do this time round, he told me how impressed he was that I had coped.

JingleyJen · 28/03/2008 14:47

My friend had 4 home births... he DH was upstairs for each of them.. he had no intention of being there and she didn't want him there. She had a good friend with her each time and the community midwives were brilliant.
4 children under 5 years old..

phlossie · 28/03/2008 14:59

My friend was really worried about her dp - she thought he might faint! But as it was, he was completely amazing.

aGalChangedHerName · 28/03/2008 15:03

My DH was at ds1's birth. He was pretty useless tbh and quite terrified after witnessing the episiotomy and ds1 rushed off having swallowed meconium.

Has ds2 on my own as no childcare available for ds1. Had a fab quick and easy birth.

Decided i wanted helpful useful people at the dd's births so had 2 best mates and again easy good births. DH sometimes regrets not seeing the other 3 dc born but he wanted me to be happy and the last 3 births were the best,

Original poster

pedilia · 28/03/2008 15:05

PMSL- tawaret

OP posts:

Upwind · 28/03/2008 15:08

My friend's dp had a panic attack and fled the room

cmotdibbler · 28/03/2008 15:08

Dh didn't really want to be there, so I got a doula. In the end, he chose to come in and out as he wanted, but my doula did all the back rubbing etc and I was pretty oblivious to where he was. He was there when DS was actually born, and then skipped all the yuckky afterbits.

I was much happier with someone who knew what she was doing, wasn't bored after rubbing my back hard for 4 hours, and who took charge of the whole thing to make a prem, continuously monitored, OP labour much more like what I wanted.

ally90 · 28/03/2008 15:13

MrsTittlemouse - same reasons I wanted dh there! Still did not help with the night shift tho but we all learn from experience things are going to be different next time....

Could I hijack a little pedilia? And also ask if dh/dp was not there, as needed for childcare, how did you feel? (cause this is what I'm planning...)

Flubdub · 28/03/2008 15:18

Oh m god, Id be so hurt if dp said he didnt want to be there.
It took two people to make the baby, its only right that both people should be there when it arrives!
Ds1's dad wasnt there when he was born, as we wernt together at the time (even though Id told him I wanted him to be there when he was born) and he turned up 10 minutes late.
Im due again next month, and if dp said he ddnt want to be there - well, lets say, he wouldnt have much choice in the matter! He'd love to be there anyway, and wont miss it for the world. However, hes done it twice before and im sure will be a huge help.

hanaflower · 28/03/2008 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hanaflower · 28/03/2008 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

conniedescending · 28/03/2008 15:27

My DH was there and was expected to be there for all 4 births. I think there's something really disconcerting about not having the father present for the birth.....even more so in them not wanting to be there!

aGalChangedHerName · 28/03/2008 15:28

There is actually no point in having a dp/dh there if he won't cope and help you through it.

With ds2 it was either dh looking after ds1 or leaving him home alone at 4 years old

Not everyone has childcare and not everyones dh is comfortable being there at the birth. As for the "it took 2 people to make the baby" lol. All that mattered to me was that i had support and comfort during labour which my 2 friends provided in spades!!

Original poster

pedilia · 28/03/2008 15:37

DH has been there for all the births and will be for this one, he really wasn't sure what he should be doing at the first one but soon learnt with me screeching at him.

I don't think it would really bother me if he wasn't there for this one as long as I had someone with me!

OP posts:

ally90 · 28/03/2008 15:37

My dh was very distressed by the screaming (unfortuately I forgot to mention I had upped my screaming to just below the decibel level that only dogs can hear, to get the epidural faster ie noisiest labouring woman in maternity unit = faster epidural). And he just did not know what to do...and I felt I would have done much better with someone who actually knew what they were doing to help guide me.

ally90 · 28/03/2008 15:39

Just out of interest...how do you get to hospital if your dp/dh is looking after children? (sorry Pedilia again! All this has been on my mind for a while...glad you got this thread going )

cmotdibbler · 28/03/2008 15:40

DH is just not good with things that he isn't in control of, doesn't like seeing me in pain, and just isn't good at the whole waiting around thing. So why would I want to make my life in labour harder by having him there when he didn't want to be ? I also didn't want to have to think about the feelings of anyone but me, which I was totally able to do.

cmotdibbler · 28/03/2008 15:42

I went into prem labour when DH was 2 hours away with his phone off, and the hospital told me that it was someone bringing me, or an emergency ambulance. I phoned work, and the engineering manager took me...

phlossie · 28/03/2008 15:45

I'd have felt sad if my dh hadn't wanted to be there, but only because I would have felt that he'd missed out. As it was, he did want to be there and he was amazing (well he was the first time, the second time he'd only been awake for 45 minutes, and didn't have time to be amazing!)

Surely, as a couple of you have said, it's far better to have a useful birthing partner than someone who's bored/terrified/freaked out/passed out on the floor?

DaisySteiner · 28/03/2008 15:50

I don't think there's any actual research on whether labour progresses better with the partner absent, but it is a theory that some people believe, including Michel Odent (the obstetrician responsible for the introduction of birthing pools and an expert in 'normal' childbirth) The theory is that if a woman feels observed, embarrassed or scared her body will not labour effectively and progress may be slow.

As a doula I was at a birth recently where there were good signs that the birth was close but the mum had no urge to push. Although her partner was really lovely, I knew she was a bit worried by him seeing 'yucky' stuff at the birth. He needed to go and move the car and literally within a minute of him leaving the car she had started pushing involuntarily. He got back just in time to see the baby emerge

Michel Odent also reckons that men are frequently ill in the days following seeing their partner give birth - he reckons it is a stress reaction and I have to say I can think of a fair few cases where a dad has taken to his bed with a vague lurgy the next day!

I personally think that although dads can and frequently are a great support to their partners, supporting someone you love in labour is very hard and if he really doesn't want to be there than that is understandable. The great thing about having a doula is that the pressure is really taken off the dads because there is another person there who can show him how to help their partner most effectively and support him too if he's scared or anxious!

JackieBollyKnickers · 28/03/2008 15:52

DH has a phobia about hospitals, so just in case he couldn't face it, I lined up a friend to be with me. In the end DH did come in, but kind of popped in and out of the room, as it was progressing, as he was rather freaked out by all the blood, I think. As a result he happened to be out of the room as DD was born. Both he and I are fine with that. Second time around, he was there all the way through - it was much quicker, and I think that took him by surprise. But knowing roughly what to expect, and having coped first time round, made it easier for him, I think.

Heated · 28/03/2008 15:54

Dh was not keen at all to be there.

Persuaded to at least stay top end of the bed and, if need be, go out when it got rough (and it did) but tbh I wouldn't have noticed if he was there or not. He ended up at the other end watching all the action and got the 1st cuddle.

2nd time, had to stop him whipping out the camera too early, cut the cord, helped with the weighing, ran my bath...

Expecting Mr BirthExpert to offer to deliver the next one

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