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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Would you have a baby for someone else?

39 replies

Ghosty · 29/04/2004 21:45

I don't know if the 'surragacy' thing has been talked about much here but I thought I would open a new discussion.
I met a lady yesterday who had a baby for her friend who couldn't have children.
She has had 6 children and I think it was either the 3rd or 4th that she had for her friend.
The child is her and her partner's biological son and they planned it all from conception to adoption. The boy, who is now 6 years old, was the only one of her children born by C/S (she felt she wouldn't bond with him if she had a section) and was taken home from the hospital by her friends. He was officially adopted by them. It is what they call an Open Adoption in that the birth parents stay in touch with the child and his adopted parents. The boy knows who his biological parents are.
The story just blew me away ...
It is such a wonderful gift that she gave her friends and I would love to be able to do something like that for someone ........
BUT ... I don't think I could ...
What about you??

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CountessDracula · 29/04/2004 21:46

Definitely not. If I carried a child for 9 months I would not be able to have it taken away from me.

smellymelly · 29/04/2004 21:47

It is definitely the ultimate gift, and I can't help but admire anyone who could - but there is no way I could do it. Not now I know how it feels to have children....

wobblyknicks · 29/04/2004 21:49

I think I could do it if it had absolutely no bilogical link to me - ie an implanted embryo, but not if it was my egg and so biologically part mine. I'd only be able to do it for someone very special to me though, not for strangers for money, like some Americans do.

zaphod · 29/04/2004 21:49

No, definitely not, for me bonding starts immediately.

Soxwasher · 29/04/2004 21:50

I think we should think more about the effect abortion has on our society - my daughter is adopted and she is a great joy, but if a few more children were given for adoption rather thatn terminated there would be plenty available for the childless.

Codswallop · 29/04/2004 21:52

No I wouldnt like to watch someone else make what I perceived as mistkes in parenting

LadyMuck · 29/04/2004 21:56

Would find it almost impossible, but definitely impossible in the middle of my family IYSWIM. What if he comes back and asks "Why did you give me away?"

Definitely a wonderful gift, but I couldn't face all the consequences.

nightowl · 29/04/2004 22:03

When i got pregnant with dd it was the worst possible timing and situation (not going to go into long story again)i couldnt bring myself to have an abortion and i knew if i had carried her for nine months there was no way i could have her adopted. At the time i wished that she could have been "taken out and successfully implanted into a woman that desperately wanted a child". obviously im so happy that ive got her and wouldnt be without but i think thats the only possible way i could do it. even if it wasnt mine biologically...i couldnt carry a baby for nine months then give it away.

MeanBean · 29/04/2004 22:07

Definitely not. However selfless the action, you could never predict the effect on the subject of that action - knowing that you were a "wonderful gift" may be a glorious thing growing up, or a terrible burden. As you can't predict which, it's best not to take the chance.
And there is no way I'd want to go through a pregnancy and then not have the baby.
And as for people who do it for money - beyond the pale.

gold123 · 29/04/2004 22:07

I would if it had no biological link to me or my dh, but only for someone close - my brother and his wife are desparate for a family, they are both fertile but my SIL is incapable of carrying a baby due to severe back problems and the amount of drugs she has to take to stop the pain. For them I would, but only after my family is complete. I definately wouldn't if it was my egg or my dh sperm, I couldn't give up something I have a biological link with. Actually when it came down to it, I am not sure how I would feel - its a tough one.

Original poster

Ghosty · 29/04/2004 22:08

I agree with all of you....
I came away thinking lots of different things like:
a) The way my pregnancies go I would want a reward after it all ... ie the baby ... so I couldn't give it away
b) What if that child came back and said, "You didn't love me enough to keep me?"
c) What if the child had a crap life ... I couldn't cope with the guilt ...

But I still think it was a wonderful thing that she did ...

OP posts:

sexgoddess · 29/04/2004 22:09

Definitely couldn't do it - but would consider egg donation...

Original poster

Ghosty · 29/04/2004 22:12

The thing about egg donation is that I would always wonder if I met someone if they could be my biological child ...
Too freaky ...

OP posts:

juniper68 · 29/04/2004 22:17

I would if it was for someone close and not my egg (plus if i was younger )

nightowl · 29/04/2004 22:22

now egg donation's a different matter...i think i could do that (emotionally) physically i dont think i would be healthy enough! its hard to say unless youve been in that situation i surpose.

alexsmum · 29/04/2004 22:34

No absolutely not and couldn't do egg donation either and really would not be at all happy with the idea of dh being a sperm donor. Even if it wasn't your biological child surely you would still get that mad hunger for the baby that you get when it's born..when you say to the midwife " give him to me now!!!" and want to punch the face of anyone who touches them ( or is that just me?)
to then hand the baby over to someone else....no.

nightowl · 29/04/2004 22:39

i think perhaps what differs with me regarding egg donation is that its not actually a baby when its "given away" for want of a better word? unless i actually did it though i dont know whether i would wonder about how it had turned out?

wobblyknicks · 29/04/2004 22:40

After reading other replies about handing the baby over, I think its different for each person. I have to admit I didn't feel a sudden rush of love for dd when she was born, just felt drained most of the time. Still looked after her just the same, but didn't feel any overwhelming rush. For me it was a slow but sure 'burn' instead of a rush, which is probably why I feel like I'd have no trouble handing a baby over when I knew it wasn't mine, I'd just carried it.

nightowl · 29/04/2004 22:43

i think actually ive contradicted myself with that post. what i mean is...although when i was pregnant with dd i wanted to "implant her into someone who desperatly wanted a child" if it had actually come to that i still dont think i could have done it. (must remember to preview!!)rambling!

nightowl · 29/04/2004 22:45

its very hard to say. im not against abortion at all and i never thought it would be a problem to me..until i was in the situation where i had to make a choice. To me surrogacy is the same...i cant say for definate unless i had been there.

mummytojames · 29/04/2004 22:50

i know it would be very hard for anyone who chose to make that decesion and i know for definate that i couldnt

Slinky · 29/04/2004 22:53

No, don't think so.

I just HATE being pregnant (done it 3 times) and the only thing that kept me going during those 3 times was the fact that I would have a lovely, cuddly baby at the end of it. I couldn't go through all that to then hand it over to someone else.

As for egg donation, did consider that after DD2 was born - but then when the stuff came up about losing Anonymity - I decided against - really would not cope very well with a "child" turning up on my doorstep declaring to my child.

Pol25 · 20/04/2005 22:58

I would love to think I would be able to but I don't think I could- a baby iside me- be it my egg or not is my baby...
I would love to think what a wonderful gift it would be and have had friends suffer with ivf but not sure if i'd be willing at the end to hand the baby over and go home 'alone'.

Socci · 20/04/2005 22:59

Message withdrawn

lockets · 20/04/2005 23:03

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