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Original poster

Help! My daughter has turned 5 and is struggling with me taking the dummie away as she uses it for sensory issues!!

43 replies

Mumof2gurls · 03/01/2023 00:27

My daughter has turned 5 she is currently awaiting a diagnosis so is on the spectrum, she has used her dummy as a sensory comfort and I’ve talked to her about binning it which she did 2 days ago, she has had a reward for doing so but my goodness tonight she has screamed and cried for it for hours I am currently in tears my self she has been begging me and it’s broke my heart I feel like the worst mum! I am so hurt and upset I feel awful but I’m only trying to do what’s best for her! The worlds mum guilt don’t even come close!

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2023 00:31

Power through and in a few weeks she'll forget it.

In the mean time, plenty of ice cream, Disney films and play days out. Things that'll keep her mind absorbed on other things.

Axahooxa · 03/01/2023 00:35

See how it goes tomorrow. Sometimes the third night of transition works, although they put up a fight.

if she persists, I’d take a different approach tomorrow. Get a dummy. Say you’ve changed your mind and you’ll keep it a while longer. Keep it until you can gradually swap for something else- over a long time. She needs it and will need a sensory replacement to feel settled.
Guidance for taking away dummies etc is always for neurotypical kids.

RegainingTheWill2023 · 03/01/2023 00:38

If the dummy was meeting her sensory needs then I'd suggest looking at alternative ways to meet that need.
Does your dd see an O T? A specialist OT in sensory processing can be invaluable.
But if not have a look at chewy toys such as bracelets that might fulfil her sensory seeking needs
For example www.sensorydirect.com/behaviour/biting

mrsfollowill · 03/01/2023 00:40

Do you know anyone with a new baby? My sister brought my v new nephew around- he was maybe 2 weeks old at that point. My 4 yo DS looked at him and said in a thunderous voice- 'why has he got a dummy!' Because they are for babies I told him. He chucked all his in the bin instantly and it has never been mentioned again. DS and DN are 20 and 16 yrs old now!

buttermut · 03/01/2023 00:40

I'm in a similar situation with my child, although slightly older. Diagnosed ASD and sleep disorder. I let them fall asleep with the dummy (does not have it in the day) and once they are asleep, I take it away. Hopefully we'll get to the point where we can bin it, not quite there yet. Just an idea if you're really struggling, sometimes doing it in stages is gentler on the child.

Anotheryearsameshitshow · 03/01/2023 00:42

My dd still had one at 7!! No speech or dental issues. No SN either! It was an important thing for her to have. Why would I disrespect that? She is a smart, well adjusted adult now.

Original poster
Mumof2gurls · 03/01/2023 00:43

Thanks so much for replying so late! Yes I have alsorts of them chew toys she just completely lost it tonight I don’t know if the realisation has kicked in but she was devastated, I managed to stay strong I don’t know how with a dummie in the cupboard I didn’t give it to her but I didn’t and she’s now asleep ….. feel like a failure though for letting her use it for so long for it to become like this 😭

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Original poster
Mumof2gurls · 03/01/2023 00:45

@Anotheryearsameshitshow I’ve been shamed and made to feel like utter crap over her having one! Honestly I’ve never heard this off anyone before all I get is horrible snide comments schools the worst for it they have made me feel awful about it! ….. so I wanted to do what’s best, doesn’t feel that way though 😭

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof2gurls · 03/01/2023 00:46

@buttermut … really!? How old is your child if you don’t mind me asking? …. Makes me feel so much better knowing it isn’t just me! X

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Hoowhoowho · 03/01/2023 00:51

My 6yo who also is awaiting assessment for ASD has a dummy still. It’s a strong sensory need for him. I’ve spoken to dentist, SALT, OT and they all say don’t worry about it, let him have it. So far none of the chewy toys have met the same need.

I’d let her have it.

Original poster
Mumof2gurls · 03/01/2023 00:53

@Hoowhoowho really!! Can’t believe this I’ve never heard of anyone in the same situation as me! This is making me feel so much better!!!

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WeyAyeMan · 03/01/2023 00:54

Would she try a chewy tube or chewy stix instead maybe?

Original poster
Mumof2gurls · 03/01/2023 00:56

I’ve tried them! Got so many! And even bought a bottle to try the teet on it nothing has worked to help her adjust to not having it

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mrsfollowill · 03/01/2023 01:00

I don't know if my message seems harsh but the point is it took him to decide it was to get rid! It really doesn't matter if it is used at night only- I sucked my thumb every night until I was about 10! I'd just let her have it for bedtime only until she wants to bin it- it really does not matter in the grand scheme of things!

buttermut · 03/01/2023 01:00

Mumof2gurls · 03/01/2023 00:46

@buttermut … really!? How old is your child if you don’t mind me asking? …. Makes me feel so much better knowing it isn’t just me! X

My DC is 7. I used to have a lot of shame around allowing the dummy but I got to the point where I was tired of feeling that way. My DC's needs are far more important to me than the opinions of others. I also don't hide it anymore, if guests see it, so be it. I've told DC's teachers (SN school), dentist and doctor. I'm doing the best I can and not everyone will understand the needs of a child on the spectrum. It's easy for people to judge when they aren't the ones in our shoes.

Just wanted to add that my DC is under SN dental team and they have said they would only be concerned once the adult teeth come in and even then, having the dummy for a very limited amount of time (falling asleep) should not effect the adult teeth either.

Perhaps try to give your DC the dummy slightly less every day and you will get there. That is how I started the transition and my DC has not found it traumatic at all. If my DC has a particularly bad meltdown during the day, I will allow the dummy for 5 to 10 minutes which generally works a treat. Baby steps. They won't have it foreverSmile

buttermut · 03/01/2023 01:03

I have also tried a bunch of chewy things, DC is not interested. So far nothing has met DC sensory needs in the same way the dummy has so I've binned the idea of replacing it. Doing a slow ween is working for us, perhaps worth a shotSmile

Original poster
Mumof2gurls · 03/01/2023 01:04

@buttermut thankyou so much! I expected a huge back lash to this thread asking for help with her being 5 but you have honestly helped me more than you know! So amazing to know I’m not alone! Makes all the difference!

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buttermut · 03/01/2023 01:07

Mumof2gurls · 03/01/2023 01:04

@buttermut thankyou so much! I expected a huge back lash to this thread asking for help with her being 5 but you have honestly helped me more than you know! So amazing to know I’m not alone! Makes all the difference!

You are more than welcome and you are most definitely not alone, you're doing a great jobFlowers

Original poster
Mumof2gurls · 03/01/2023 01:07

@buttermut Thankyou!!

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Original poster
Mumof2gurls · 03/01/2023 01:18

@mrsfollowill no not at all it’s really helpful I’ve tried alsorts of stuff And she just doesn’t budge but it’s because she relies on it so much for sensory needs that’s the hard part other wise I would just be harsh and ride it out

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PenguinLove1 · 03/01/2023 01:22

My son is NT but loved his dummy until he was about 5 - from age 3/4 onwards he only got it at bedtime to help him fall asleep then i took it away, it helped gradually wean him off it. Would letting her have it just for bed time work - maybe let her pick a new one to match her jammies and saw its only for her going to sleep?
No point in her being distressed if she doesnt need to be

Original poster
Mumof2gurls · 03/01/2023 01:45

@PenguinLove1 no there really isn’t your absolutely right! …. And yes that’s all she was having it for really and her little sensory breaks when needed during the day, and when she fell asleep with it at night I take it out so it’s not in her mouth all night, but they pressure of everyone saying the same thing made me feel like such a failure of a mum for her still having that we are now here tonight. 😞

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Fraaahnces · 03/01/2023 01:52

Stupid question… you’re probably all over it. Have you tried cutting the teats? (Just a snip so it deflates) That is something a lot of people do to get rid of them.

sally16 · 03/01/2023 10:46

3YO also had a dummy here..
tried countless times to get it off him but he just doesn't understand what's going on regarding it..
we've binned them together, buried them in a fairy garden, left for Santa, gave to the babies at the hospital (drop box for toddler dummy's)

He just doesn't understand why he can't have his dummy, doesn't speak properly yet, and is inconsolable.. OT, HV and dentist all said to keep it to bedtime and it shouldn't affect speech as isn't speaking at night haha, but also his teeth are ok thankfully..

I think we'll be fighting the battle at 5 too! Solidarity!

GrumpyOldBastard · 03/01/2023 10:58

I had a dummy at night until I was 8, when my gran finally shamed my mum into taking it away.
I remember crying on the phone to my gran, pleading with her to make my mum give it back to me. I think it was only that first night that was really bad, though. Once I knew my mum wasn’t backing down, I gave up.