What to do when every day is a struggle for DD to go to/stay at school?

[seriouslyworried]

That's it basically!
We have got to the point where she is either going to school and battling through her day. going to school and then calling me from the toilets upset and then being sent home, or she is not going at all!

Her anxiety has rocketed over the last few months, and her self loathing is really bad. We are waiting for our first camhs appointment, and she has been seeing the school councilor twice a week for the last three weeks.

I don't have the time to go into more depth then that right now, but in your experience am I wrong to encourage her to go to school??? Is keeping her home the best thing to do??

Today was tough as she has had such a positive weekend with a good friend, and less then an hour into the school day she is having a panic attack in the school toilet, and has been sent home to 'have a rest'!

How old is she? Its difficult if you work FT but I'd take her out. Is the school supportive?

Have you thought about home educating?

i have and am just going through something similar op.

As soon as dd was refferred to Cambs i told her she didn't have to go, and that was with the support of the school. DD has had a nervous breakdown.

How old is your dd?

I struggled hugely with keeping her of school, but she has been too ill, and the panic and anxiety too much for her to function in that environment.
I have been lucky that as soon as Camhs have become involved ( a refferal) they themselves said do not push her, it will make her worse.

Some dcs just can't cope with the school environment. Especially the enormous secondary schools. Yes enforcing school when a child is terribly upset, would be a very negative thing to do.

We had a fragile ds at 13 and kept him at home too with a p.t. tutor. He flowered when he could do all his research on the computer etc. and was fine later on.

I think rather than making it a battle, would she go in part time for certain subjects, or is it now every day ? It's hard, but her mental health is the most important thing. (my DD missed a year of school) If you can keep the day structured at home, maybe help her continue with certain subjects and make sure she does things which relax her but occupy her, art, diary writing, music etc. I would tell camhs you feel she can't be at school at all and push them on an appointment, as you want their advice and support after meeting her . Until you have a bit more understanding of how unwell she is feeling, its hard to organise tutors/homeschool etc, but if she will do the actual work, maybe she could catch up a bit with a tutor in the holidays. best of luck.

She is 14 and in Y9. She has always loved school - I used to say she was made for school!!! When she chose her options two months ago she was top ten in her year! She has said "it's not that I don't want to go to school - I like learning, it's that I can't face being there!"

This has all come out so quickly and powerfully that I feel like I have been in a coma and woken up two years later!
She has been very honest about how she feels, and it seems she has been feeling down, paranoid, scared, and a multiple other things for quite sometime. Now she has been open about it, it is like the flood gates have opened and there is no going back.

I work full time, but I do get school holidays off. I feel there is no way I could pull her out of school and home school! Money is tight and mortgage needs to be paid!

I am scared as to just how serious this is...talk of nervous breakdowns, years off school etc quite literally scares the crap out of me! The cloud that she says is above her everywhere she goes scares me! As do the voices/thoughts she sometimes has!! I can only imagine how terrifying it is for her!! How has my beautiful, kind, talented daughter ended up like this?? I think it is teenage society, pressures from all sides, SOCIAL MEDIA requiring validation 27/4! I hate it all...I need a mountain retreat for us all to go live in...

If it helps at all my brother was exactly the same, it started t 13 and by 16 it had got to a stage where he was in his room and only came out to go to the loo at stages he had suicidal thought because he just couldn't cope. Getting involved with Mind helped a lot, being around young people with the same needs.
My parent always say the computer and games were bad for him but I think they were brilliant it allowed him to interact with the outside world without the pressures of being out, he would have been anxious without it.

When he went to sixth form he got lots of help, much more understanding than from the school. He found College difficult and left with only half the qualifications.

Eventually the DRs found that his brain doesn't produce serotonin and once he was put on tablets he got a lot better.He got a job at my mums work, sometimes he still had little wobbles.

However, at the age of 24 he is now across the otherside of the country doing a degree and loving life. It took him a little longer to get their but he did it.

I work with teenagers, anxiety issues are far more common than you would think, you are not alone. I think my parents feel bad with pressuring him to go to school but they had the attendance officer on their back even though they had a refer all.

It's a long dark tunnel but there is a light at the end.

Is there a school counsellor, SENCO or other trusted adult at her school? This was my DD's 'bolt hole' whenever she felt she couldn't cope and that helped greatly. Talk to the school about finding someone she can talk to and make firm arrangements so she knows there is someone at school for her.
My DD had similar issues at school and like yours, loved learning but the school day was hell. We were working with CAMHS with anxiety issues and depression and finally had a ASD diagnosis.
She was determined that she was going to get through her GCSE's and she did, doing very well. Her choice was then to move to a sixth form college where she feels so much happier, treated as an adult etc. and frankly we have a different child - it's amazing.
It was hell for a time but we did get there. Make sure you accept any offer of help, no matter how small.

She has had three sessions with the head of pastoral care, who is a qualified counciler, and DD has seen that as a positive step. They will keep it up until her camhs app comes round. Teachers are busy people and are not always available...yesterday she spent an hour in the toilets whilst I was trying to get hold of certain members of staff...in the end I had to tell the office that she was in the toilets (didn't know which one) and they went to find her!! She had a chat with head of year, and was sent home to have a rest!!!!
She has emailed her teachers for today and asked them for work!!! Very proud of her for that!

At the age of 14 you don't have to be there all the time, it sounds like you could certainly trust her to work on her own at home for a while. Maybe you could work something out ref. your work with your family and or a tutor.

As the ops have said sometimes their mental health can be very fragile at that age. Computers are double edged of course but they are brilliant for studying. ds learned MUCH more (he chose and researched the subjects that he loved) at home than he would have at school. The inspector came once and was very impressed with him saying he could always do his exams when he felt ready. He has been on various courses since but is a gifted musician and is making his way in life without many formal qualifications, It's not easy for him, but we gave him his head ,it's his life after all.

Singleandproud, I will definitely look into serotonin levels. Blood tests have already shown low levels of Vit B12, which can cause tiredness. And I am pleased to hear that your brother has come so far!

I am very thankful that we are off to Thailand on Monday, but she is already worried about the crowds in the airport...I haven't the guts to tell her about the Bangkok population!! Maybe I am being a little too optimistic to think that a break in the sun will be enough to make everything better, but surely it has to help?

Ref. Vit B12 it's an idea to check she's eating fresh green food and plenty of fruit to help with her mental and general health and cut down on caffeine,sugar (the chemicals in sugar free products are not good) and wheat products.

Have a lovely holiday seriouslyworried Look after your self too !!

Thank you, I am very ready to sit and do nothing for 12 days!!!

The first thing I'd say is please don't freak out. It will make her feel more like a freak than she already does - it's understandable, but I was exactly like your dd, and my mother used to freak out about it and she hated anything not 'normal' and so I felt even worse.

You obviously love her and want to make everything Ok but please try to approach it from a bottom-up direction, rather than top-down if that makes sense? ie examining her feelings and accepting it as 'Ok' and not trying the utmost to make her life be 'normal' quickly.

Sit with her and ask her what would work best for her. School may not be the answer. CBT will help if she can get it.

Do not get angry with her about it.

Good luck and hope this helps a bit and doesn't come across as criticising you.

Yes you're right Psipsina! I consoled myself with the fact that a lot of very famous and intelligent people didn't go to school like Charles Darwin !

X posts - the holiday will not make everything normal again, no. Don't let her know that this is what you are hoping. She is normal, she is just anxious, and it's causing her some problems, and she can't do anything about it - this is her at the moment.

Is there a comfortable room somewhere at school where she can go to be quiet / calm down when she needs to? (My understanding is ds doesn't use it too much but he really appreciates having the option and knowing it's there helps him cope better.)
Ds also takes in one or two books each day so that he can bury his head in those when he really needs time out.
We've also bought various books about anxiety and depression and also various fiction books on the theme of not fitting in and tried to educate him about it and make it seem more "normal".
The EP compared his stress levels to a balloon and wanted him to rate how he was feeling in those terms and wanted him to understand the physiological effects these attacks have on him according to how full his balloon was. (Generally once he starts getting anxious it all snowballs. So if he could identify what was going on then he could start to detatch.)
School have really tried with mindfulness techniques, but it's not his bag. Meditation (again through the school) has been fab though.
I find it's good taking him out for a good walk when you can see him getting uptight as a way of defusing things.
Apart from that we do our best to spend lots of time with him out of school and try and encourage him to see the lighter side of life and pursue his interests.

Should add we also found having a drink and snack helped with his general mood sometimes too.

Yes yomellam Also nose breathing is fantastic for calming one down. (It has been known to cure asthma).

Yes I agree - blood sugar crashes can induce panic attacks...keeping some sweets to hand might help, so if she starts to feel bad she can have one - but making sure she eats normal stuff too or it becomes a vicious circle.

If you can, then explain to her about panic and what causes it. It is a very simple explanation and immediately helps

It's caused by adrenalin, which is released when your brain thinks you might need to fight something, or run away (fight or flight) - you can also get it in response to having caffeine and other 'toxins' which your body perceives as a threat.

So eliminate caffeine - no tea (unless decaff) or coffee or choc. I bet it will help a bit.

lso, if you are feeling panicky, tell yourself it is going to pass, it will go away shortly and the less you worry about it, the quicker it will stop - but if you keep going back to 'check' if it is still there, it will keep going.

She has to try and distract herself, understand that panic does not mean she is in danger, or ill, and nothing is really wrong, and laugh at it - and wait for it to go away. It's a chemical reaction, that is all.

If there are real things making her worried though, they must be attended to as well of course.

Knowing this about panic has helped me overcome panic attacks which I had from the age of about 10.

Thank you so much for all of the wise words! I am doing my best to be understanding and not too frustrated...her dad is finding it a bit trickier!

I am having a major op at the end of April and will be off work for 4 months, including the school summer holidays. I am actually looking on this as a massive positive, as although I will be in bed for a lot of the time, I will also be there! I have asked her if the way she is feeling has anything to do with my op, and she said no, in an apologetic way!!! I have been very low key about it and have not made a big deal of it....the last 6 weeks have taken my mind off it completely!

seriously. I hope the following is helpful rather than worrying. I just didn't believe at the time, anything like this could happen to us. Please know that Its good she feels she can talki to you and describe how her feelings affect her.

My DD is superbright, popular, conscientious and at 14, appeared to become very depressed and anxious in a matter of weeks, and ended up in hospital after a suicide attempt . It turned out she had been feeling these negative thoughts for a long time, but thought everyone else had them and didn't talk about it. we found out that she had ASD traits, which contributed to her fear of crowds, people, teenagers changing emotions etc, so there was no bullying, social media pressure, it was partly her resilience in a changing teen environment, where people were more difficult to read. No one spotted it at school or at home. She needed a lot of support in different ways to cope with her feelings, but is now a wonderful, 19 year old at the university of her choice, and helps other young people.

Having been in a position where our lives changed overnight, , keep a close eye on her, encourage her to talk if she wants to, but don't ask her why she feels as she does as she probably doesn't know. Tell her you love her , and tell her although you don't understand what is going on, you will help her find support to make life less stressful . Try not to pressure her to do things she finds hard at the moment and take things day by day Psipina gives good advice. Try to be calm and consistent around her on the outside. Also assure her that many young people have tough periods at this age, even if her friends seem fine. Do Camhs know about your operation ? as its seems important for you both to see them before, in case she is really anxious about it.

On a practical note, can you yourself find out if the school has 'time out' cards (they tend not to publicize them!)
It gives children an easy ' out' where they can walk out of a class and go straight to eg student services without being challenged by the class teacher. If you ask the school counsellor, it might be a way for your dd to cope better on a daily basis, knowing that she can leave a class instantly and not get into trouble.

Thank you! It does sound as if I am in a very similar situation as you were with your daughter. It sounds so awful and I am pleased that she has found her way. How on earth did you keep sane???
We have our first initial camhs appointment 2 weeks before my op and it is something I will bring up.

I have found some 'doodles' that have really upset me and scared the hell out of me at the same time...words and phrases like 'You're no good' 'Why did you ever think they liked you?' 'Hard to breathe' 'Fat and ugly', and a whole lot worse! I haven't told her I have seen them but I have taken photos of them. I just want to scream!!

I have been in touch with Youngminds and a counsellor from there has been trying to call me back since last week, but I keep missing the call - it is an unknown number. I think I need to talk to someone sooner rather then later, and I am hoping she calls back tonight. I can't speak while I am with DD so I will walk the dog!

Did your DD end up taking any medication? That worries me as I have colleagues who have had a terrible time coming off them to try for a baby. I am going to push for CBT as I think it will help.

Thank you once again for your thoughts and understanding...I only have one close friend that I would talk to about this, and although she is brilliant, she is a busy mum of two special needs children!!

The pass cards seem like a great idea!

Do come and vent on here whenever you need to. Especially if it helps you to keep calm in real life.

You really must try to be calm for her. It's very important that she doesn't think you are frightened by this.

All the best to both of you xx