What to do when every day is a struggle for DD to go to/stay at school?

[seriouslyworried]

That's it basically!
We have got to the point where she is either going to school and battling through her day. going to school and then calling me from the toilets upset and then being sent home, or she is not going at all!

Her anxiety has rocketed over the last few months, and her self loathing is really bad. We are waiting for our first camhs appointment, and she has been seeing the school councilor twice a week for the last three weeks.

I don't have the time to go into more depth then that right now, but in your experience am I wrong to encourage her to go to school??? Is keeping her home the best thing to do??

Today was tough as she has had such a positive weekend with a good friend, and less then an hour into the school day she is having a panic attack in the school toilet, and has been sent home to 'have a rest'!

Thank you - I will! I have only let it get to me in front of her once and I think it did upset her. It's hard to get the balance right and not sound fake...if that makes sense. I am a 'head up and soldier on' type of person so this is hard, but we have a close relationship so I think she knows that anyway. We are setting up a 'Thai Spa' in my bedroom in a bit!! I will give her a massage, and hopefully she will give me one!!! Sounds a bit mad, but we did it before and it was fun...even have dodgy Thai music to play through spotify!

You have had good advice on here, but I would also suggest you join the Facebook group School Phobia/Refusal and Separation Anxiety. It is full of loads of families going through the same thing and you will find lots of support and understanding there as well as here.

Thank you - I will

It sounds like just what she needs. Some fun and messing about to reassure her she is still loved no matter what else is happening.

You cannot possibly go wrong with that sort of thing

seriously I just remembered dd2 going through a difficult stage at 14 ( i found some upsetting poems and writings of hers too) ,I know it's horrible now for you but as long as you keep calm, it will pass. It really will.

And for her too of course, they're a bundle of hormones and can't control their feelings well. At least they can vent with the writing.

I have to send back a form to camhs before our first meeting - do you think I should include a copy of the pictures/doodles just so they can see how she is expressing her feelings?? Do you think they would be able to NOT mention to her that I had shown them? Would that be a complete breach of DD's privacy? I don't know, but I really want camhs to take me seriously.....

i wouldn't just send them without dd permission op.

I would send a letter detailing your main concerns, i included a paper copy of an email i had sent to them asking how long it would be until they had the meeting about her to discuss referral. I detailed my main concerns just to get my feelings down really, about how i desperate I felt the situation was.

A day before the first meeting, I asked dd if we could take a letter she had written me, and she agreed. It meant she had less time to worry about it.

That's my advice, i am only ten weeks into all this, and i have learnt to hold back on discussing anything other than essential things that might cause anxiety. It's just too much for them. x

Thank you! I think I am so desperate for the 'proffessionals' to have all of the info that I am letting my heart rule my head, so to speak.

I know this has to come from her, in her own time and on her own terms...I just don't know how to bring it to her that I have seen these two 'doodles/pictures'. Maybe I don't need to...they are her own personal thoughts, but they are very worrying. Roll on Thailand!!

I also found many similar doodles. maybe encourage her to write thoughts down in private notebooks as it can be helpful to get the thoughts out , but its also important she is allowed to keep them private, so you are right not to share you have seen them I think, but tell camhs about them with notes on her behaviour. They need to assess how low she is. Initially, as my DD went into hospital, she found it hard to engage with therapists, and was then on medication for several months. She did have withdrawal symptoms over a few difficult days when she finished,and its hard to know how much it helped, but when her mood was extremely low and she had constant suicidal thoughts , meds felt worth a try. Although she has not been on meds for several years, she would try them again and they do help a lot of people. At your DDs age, any meds need to be accompanied by talking therapy and monitored carefully. As parents you get through, day by day, looking for chinks of light, with patience and love and hope that things get better and they eventually did in our case. I also spent a lot of time battling the NHS which was distracting. Looking after yourself and the rest of the family is also very important, and in retrospect I should have done more of that....

Anthropology...What you and your daughter have been through sounds truly horrific, and I want to thank you for sharing AND caring about us all that are going through it too. Your advice and understanding have been really helpful to me over the last few days, and the light that came at the end of your tunnel is hope for is all!

I have never been in pain like this before, and I've lost both of my parents along the way! Someone said in passing a few weeks ago (about something totally unrelated) "You are only as happy as your saddest child", and it has stuck with me ever since. It is so true...they are our life blood and we just want them to be happy. I am very hopeful that we will get through this as a family and be stronger for it!