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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

Dh annoyed at 2.10 ds breastfeeding

27 replies

Spectregadget · 16/10/2008 16:33

Two issues really. Have name changed because I am so pissed off with dh.

Ds still bfs at bedtime, then when he wakes at 4/5/6 if we're lucky. I had hoped he would lose interest, but I know he would be devestated if we stopped. I've no idea how to stop, either; he is very stubborn, have tried Dr Jay Gordon's methos\d twice, and both times he screamed for hours, and I mean 2 hours at a time, every night with no let up for a fortnight (not joking) after which I gave in.

Dh thinks I should just stop cold turkey ('it's only like saying no to a biscuit'). Have had lots of conflict about it, then every so often dh gives up and so it goes on.

Last night ds was awake at 4.15 (it has been later last couple of weeks) and I fed him. Dh was huffing and puffing, so I asked him what was up. He said "I am SICK of lying here listening to him suck your fucking tits."

I felt like I had been slapped in the face, I still can't think about it without crying and I don't know where to go from here in either situation. I was so cross at dh that I just said "Well, you know where the door is." I didn't sleep after that, and am quite tearful about the whole thing. Any advice please?

OP posts:

Original poster

Spectregadget · 16/10/2008 16:33

Ds is 2.10.

OP posts:

curlywurlycremeegg · 16/10/2008 16:37

I would tell DH to go and sleep in another room if it bothers him that much! Not very helpful....to be a bit more helpful do you want to stop feeding your DS?

Original poster

Spectregadget · 16/10/2008 16:40

Yes and no. If I am honest, I do think nearly 3 is too old to be bfding, but I am torn between that and knowing how much he enjoys it, iyswim.

OP posts:

RhinestoneCowghoul · 16/10/2008 16:40

DH never complained when I fed DS in the early hours, usually slept right through it... Meant that he didn't have to make any effort to settle him.

Do you want to stop? And I don't think bf is the same as saying no to a biscuit, pretty unhelpful comments from your DH.

PortAndDemon · 16/10/2008 16:41

First off, if it weren't for your DH's attitude (if he were a "I'll support you in whatever you want to do" guy) would you want to stop breastfeeding?

I think "well, you know where the door is" was fairly mild, really.

purplemonkeydishwasher · 16/10/2008 16:42

when you tried to stop before was your DH helpful and supportive? (ie: not complaining about the crying etc)

curlywurlycremeegg · 16/10/2008 16:47

I am currently tandem feeding DD (3.6) and DS2 (1.6), I have also found out I am pregnant again. DD LOVES her breastfeeds but I have found feeding her difficult over the last 6 months. DS2 would probably wean before DD if I left it, however I am now thinking it's time to wean DD. I have cut down the number of feeds she has very gradually and she now sees coming into bed with me in the morning for a feed as a treat. I am now slowly cutting down the time of the feed, just by a few seconds each day, I will say to her things like, one minute left now, I am going to count to five no and it's time to stop and get breakfast. I have also tried to link the giving up breastfeeding with being grown up, new cup for having cow milk from etc. I think she is going to still be a bit shocked when the final feed arrives (I have earmarked her 4th birthday!)but hopefully by the slow weaning process it would be too much for her.

susie100 · 16/10/2008 16:51

Excuse the personal question but do you have a good sexual relationship with DP?
Do you think the real issue is he feels taht you have not been HIS for too long?

chequersandchess · 16/10/2008 16:55

Shoot me down here if you like but I think you're both his parents and you should both have a say in it.

Don't agree with DH upsetting you but he's obviously really pissed off and I think you need to chat to him about it.

curlywurlycremeegg · 16/10/2008 16:58

chequers, he just doesn't seem to be using very plesent language to discribe his unhappyness with the situation. If my DH used the works "suck on your fucking tits" to discribe breastfeeding then I doubt I could have a civil chat with him.....but then again I am not the OP

chequersandchess · 16/10/2008 16:59

I know that curly, that's why I said I didn't agree with him upsetting her.

I just think it's not unreasonable that he should have a say too in how long the child is breastfed for.

Miyazaki · 16/10/2008 17:04

Well, he's obviously feeling very strongly about it, and I don't think there is much point in being completely entrenched about it... Can you have a proper chat, and let him know how upset you were by his language, but hear him out too?

Agree with chequers.

Original poster

Spectregadget · 16/10/2008 17:05

He was supportive, but equally at a loss, as I was, at what to do with the crying.

Sexual relations range from okay sometimes to not-so-often-really, which I think he does put down to bfding. He also knows I am struggling to lose weight at the moment, which he also attributes to bfding.

The language used really upset me. He has apologised when prompted by text message, but I am still upset.

OP posts:

susie100 · 16/10/2008 17:06

I agree he did not phrase it at all well and it is incredibly hurtful. But he sounds like a man at the end of his tether. I also think this cld actually be about sex/ownership of your body. I am not saying it is right but you will have been pregnant or breastfeeding for almost 3 yrs and may feel like he wants you back.

susie100 · 16/10/2008 17:08

Sorry xposted. I agree the language he used is aggressive and hurtful especially as you might imply he resents his own son (which in a small way he probably does).

Can you have a chat this evening away from ds? You need to decide if you have had enough bfeeding and then talk to him accordingly.

PortAndDemon · 16/10/2008 17:11

Mmm, but her DH doesn't own her body either. Spectregadget owns it herslf. If he feels like he does (not that he feels like he really owns it, obviously, but has feelings in that direction) then that may be part of the problem.

Spectregadget, will your DS settle without you at night if you are away from home and not available? And do you have a mother or MIL who would be prepared to take him overnight? That might be a good interim target -- to get away for a night or two, just you and your DH.

susie100 · 16/10/2008 17:14

I agree which is why Spectregadget needs to decide what SHE wants to do and react accordingly.

If he thinks lack of sex life is down to breastfeeding that might be powering the strength of the reaction. Not saying I agree with him but it might explain it?

bogie · 16/10/2008 17:20

for you your dh shouldn't speak to you like that.
I stopped bf ds when he was 2 I fell pregnant with dd and bf him started getting quite painful we told ds that mummy boobs were poorly so we would have to get milk from the fridge, We had a few days where he cried a bit but after a week he was fine and started sleeping through!

CoteDAzur · 16/10/2008 17:24

If you really think "nearly 3 is too old to be breastfeeding", and your DH obviously agrees, then just stop.

Your DS is old enough to understand he is now a big boy, that there will now be other (better!) treats because he is such a big boy etc.

I agree with everyone here that your DH shouldn't have used profanities at you, but he does sound desperate, and almost three years of night feeds at 4 AM can easily drive someone to the edge.

Original poster

Spectregadget · 16/10/2008 17:30

I did feel like that, susie, you're right. I will talk to dh tonight, but don't really know what to say - I could agree to stop, I suppose it's time, but I really don't know where to start. We've been here before. Do you really think we could stop just like that, Cote?

OP posts:

2point4kids · 16/10/2008 17:31

I'd say that if you want to stop as well as your DH then you should go cold turkey and just do it like your DH says.

You need to have a good talk with your DH about how he speaks to you and tell him how upset you are with his nasty comments. Explain that you want to stop too, but you will find it easier to actually do it with his supprt rather than his whinging!

Could you get him onside and you go away for the nights for a few days and your DH deal with the first few nights while you are not there? You'd have to amke sure he was fully on board with how you plan to do it first - ie make sure he knows you will not leave DS to cry alone etc, he must comfort him in other ways.

Original poster

Spectregadget · 16/10/2008 17:40

Not sure where I would go for a few nights, and definitely wouldn't want to! We have left him with my parents twice before, and he has been fine, and if I am not there at bedtime he goes to bed for dh like a lamb. My parents live over 2 hours away, so they can't help very often.

That said, they are coming up to look after him on a Saturday night soon while we go to a wedding. Maybe I could use that to kickstart a diff bedtime routine.

I'm really surprised so many people are advocating cold turkey. I'd always thought it seemed cruel when the child relies on it so much?

OP posts:

PortAndDemon · 16/10/2008 17:45

As an alternative, you could try cutting down the length of feeds as curlywurlycremeegg outlines. If that works for you you could set a target of, say, two or three months' time and gradually reduce over that period.

susie100 · 16/10/2008 18:25

I imagine he is feeling horribly guilty as well by the way and does not like the way he is feeling about himself. Give him a get out clause perhaps by refecting that you understand why he snapped but it really upset you etc. He might then feel he can talk about it more openly without being the one in the wrong (if he is anything like my dp that is)

Wedding might be a good way to go. I went cold turkey with dd when I went back to work as I just needed to get more than 2 hrs sleep a night (still has morning feed and evening and 1 night at 11pmish). I found just sleeping on the other side so she was next to dp instead of me really helped and after 3 days she was over it. It seemed less cruel to me make it quick (like a plaster) but you must do what feels right to you, ds and your family. Good luck!!

Jacksmama · 16/10/2008 18:28

Honestly, I think your dh was really off-sides on this. The language alone - that's just not on. As for breastfeeding a baby who's almost 3, what's wrong with that, especially if he only does it twice a day. Seriously, dh needs to give his head a shake. He's a grown adult, presumably, capable of controlling himself and his emotions. Your son is a baby - not capable yet of the same, and he needs you to comfort and nourish him. It's such a short time that they're small and physically need us. How many minutes out of every day is your baby taking up with breastfeeding? It's hard to believe a man grudging his child that little time.
That said, if you're ready to stop, I've read that shortening the feed time by a little bit, every few days, is a gentle way to wean. Cold turkey seems really harsh, and consider that stopping breastfeeding that abruptly may also cause you pain and engorgement.

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