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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

HELP! mum is coming to visit and she is going to try and make me wean ds.

39 replies

frootloop · 07/07/2008 11:18

ds is 19wks and is really not ready to wean, its a struggle getting him to take a 4oz bottle at the moment, mum seems to think that this is a reason to wean him.
i tried him with a small bit of baby porridge, which he loved but it put him off his bottle even more.

the trouble is is that mum manages to make me feel like im 7 again and im worried ill give in to her nagging
("i raised 4 girls, i know what im talking about" , "have you been reading mumsnet again for advice?") and i might do some damage to him because he takes nowhere near the recommended amount of formula as it is without him being put off even more by purees and porridge.

what should i say/do????????

OP posts:
Notanexcitingname · 07/07/2008 11:20

The ony thing I can suggest is to refuse to engage in the discussion.

And not to stress about the amount he does/doesn't drink while she's listening, so as not to create an opening.

There's a DoH leaflet which stresses waiting until 6 months somewhere, if you had one of those, that migth help?

tiktok · 07/07/2008 11:22

It can be hard to be the Big Girl you know you should be when faced with pressure like this.

The Department of Health has clear, up to date info on weaning - there is a leaflet on the website. If you can't find it, post in this thread and I will get a link. You can show this leaflet to your mum. Be assertive. Make it clear weaning is not up for discussion. And change the subject.

I take it you have experienced pressure to wean from your mum before?

The evidence is that early solids take the place of milk, and the overall calorie and nutritional gain is nil. I am assuming his weight gain is normal and he is well?

Original poster
frootloop · 07/07/2008 11:27

yes, she is always going on about mashing rusks up.

weight gain is ok, he's following a jaggedy line between 50th and 75th centiles.

its easy to ignore what mum says over the phone but its so hard when she is here. [meek mummys girl emoticon]

OP posts:
BellaBear · 07/07/2008 11:29

tiktok - thanks for the heads up to the leaflet, very clear

tiktok · 07/07/2008 11:40

froot - time to grow up, then!!

Thank her for her help and tell her the best support she can give is to support you in supporting your baby's health.

Original poster
frootloop · 07/07/2008 11:46

i know i feel rude when i go against her advice.

i'm going to chicken out and tell her the HV said not to wean until ds is taking an 8oz bottle on a regular basis.

[hangs head in shame at being too scared to stand up to mum]

OP posts:
choosyfloosy · 07/07/2008 11:53

God I found it horrendously difficult when mum appeared and said dismissive stuff about breastfeeding.

it's impossible - people say it's sad that extended families don't live close together, that people don't respect their elders, that people don't have family advice etc, but the fact is that family advice comes with a price tag!

i'd guess that you feel that turning down her advice is disrespectful, even scary. us good girls do feel that. the snag is that on most subjects my mum is great... but she has a few blind spots. breastfeeding is one of them, unfortunately.

i found that even when my mum stayed off the subject, i was feeling so teenage and weepy that i actually brought up the subject of breastfeeding myself so that I could feel outraged!...

it's very hard being a new mum and not being able to moan about being knackered to your own mother because she instantly whips in with stuff like 'if you were bottlefeeding/ feeding him solids you'd be on a 4-hour routine by now and you wouldn't be so tired' (direct quote from my mum). you end up feeling that you can't be honest at all, about anything.

Try to go to the HV or someone else who's sympathetic to your approach the day/morning before your mum visits. Try not to discuss weaning. If it comes up, just say 'mmm' and try to think of something else to say.

If all else fails, just ask your mum if you can go and have a sleep... but don't have baby rice or rusks in the house if you don't want to.

tiktok · 07/07/2008 12:10

froot - would you want your ds to have the same relationship with you as you have with your mum ie scared to counter your advice with good sense and evidence?

Children absorb these behaviours by observation and experience.

It is hard to change, to escape the comfort zone, but it is essential if we are not to pass on the same behaviours to our children.

What was your gran like with your mum? Could your mum stand up to her?

tiktok · 07/07/2008 12:13

froot again - the HV would not say that to you, and if your mum decides to quiz you on such unsound advice you will crack.

What's wrong with the truth? 'The evidence is that babies normally don't need solids until around six months, and that early solids interfere with milk intake if given too early. So that's what I have decided to do - it may not be a big deal to you, but it is to me, and I feel going with what I have read and what is advised these days is my choice....Thanks for your help and ideas, though. If I was concerned about ds's health, I wouldn't be so sure, but as he is clearly thriving, I am happy to stick to the guidelines."

Original poster
frootloop · 07/07/2008 12:54

choosyfloosy- thats exactly how i feel, disrespectful, rude, guilty even that i don't want her advice on this subject, yet!

tiktok- no i wouldn't ds to grow up like me, its going to be hard though because i am painfully shy and probably have a social phobia and will do anything to avoid argument and confrontation and i dont want him being like that.

both grannys passed away years ago, i dont even remember my mums mum so don't know about that relationship, mum never really got on with other granny so wouldn't of taken any advice from her.

she might buy the HV lie, she is not exactly up to date with current advice and i can be quite a convincing liar when i need to be.

thanks bellabear for the link, will read tonight when ds is in bed.

OP posts:
lulumama · 07/07/2008 12:57

don;t lie ! show her the leaflet, then you can say that you are not weaning until around 26 weeks and that the NHS and DoH back you up!

make sure you know why weaning is recommended later so that you can actually have a discussion with her and maybe she will understand things have changed and this will stop her putting pressure on you.

tiktok · 07/07/2008 13:20

froot - this could be the spur to get some good counselling. The fact you would rather lie to someone (and have a lot of experience in doing this convincingly!) than have any form of confrontation involving expressing your own strong feelings is revealing....don't you think?

It's not a good place to be, emotionally.

Original poster
frootloop · 07/07/2008 13:44

i'll read up more about weaning, i know so little about it really.

but i know that whatever i say to mum she will reply with a laugh and some stuff about mums doing it for years, how my siblings and i all had rusks and porridge at 3 months, how ds is a big boy(16lbs) and needs more than just milk.

telling her a HV told me i shouldn't wean would shut her up.

OP posts:
butwhybutwhy · 07/07/2008 13:49

But Froot, if she does say all these things, so what?

Let her say it. You know the guidelines, you know what your ds wants and needs so what other people say shouldnt effect what you do.

What would your mum have done if someone was commenting and suggesting things like that to her when she was raising you?
Would she have accepted it and done it?

If you did confront your mum, what would she do?

constancereader · 07/07/2008 13:49

Practise your response to her statements. I have done this in the past and it can really help.

Could you also add something about how you appreciate how much thought she put into your bringing up, and that you are just trying to do the same for your dd in the face of wider knowledge? Perhaps she feels judged by your choice to do things differently and that is why she keeps on about it.

GreenMonkies · 07/07/2008 13:50

You can down load the leaflet from here

Smile, nod, say you understand and then ignore her.

Monkies

cafebistro · 07/07/2008 14:02

I can really sympathise frootloop. My mum is forever giving me advice about babies/children and then gets really narked when I dont follow it! She says " you'll know when you've had 3 children!" Well ive had 2 but thats obviously not enough experience . I think all of our mothers generation think its fine to wean at 6 wks or something ridiculous but times have changed and research shows that this shouldnt be done now. I know with my mum that she wont take a hint and i have to be very clear and just tell her that i want to do things my way and that we'll just have to agree to disagree about things!

Original poster
frootloop · 07/07/2008 14:18

i have no idea what mum would say if i confronted her, i would feel guilty though.

telling mum to butt out is as scary a thought as telling your boss to eff off.

i know she won't listen to the government advice, she thinks she knows best, and she knows im very worried about DSs reduction in appetite, thats why im worried i'll give in to her going on about weaning.

im going to baby clinic on wed so will ask their advice, maybe they will say to wait till he's draining the bottle, then i wont be making anything up[hopeful]

OP posts:
Mummy2Freya · 07/07/2008 14:20

I'm with you on this one, dd is 15 weeks and GMIL has been on about adding cereal to her milk for about 6 weeks!! I walked out after she insinuated that it was my choice if I wanted to starve my baby

You know what's best for your baby

itati · 07/07/2008 14:22

Don't have anythihg in the house you could give the baby.

Tell her before she comes you are not weaning the baby, tell her by text if easier.

Tell her to leave if she won't let you do what you think is best for your baby.

Original poster
frootloop · 07/07/2008 14:32

she won't be here untill friday so i will have read enough on weaning by then to have some good reasons for why i dont want to wean yet, and will have some good counter arguements for whatever guff she comes up with.

OP posts:
Puppie · 07/07/2008 14:37

Aaaaw frootloop I can so sympathise with you! I too would rather lie sometimes than confront my mother and I know how hard it can be when you feel like your mum is this all powerful force that you cannot stand up to! I'm actually going to counselling about it now as the complete disregard for my opinion on raising my child made me want to cut ties with my mum even though I really love her! Try looking in the mirror and practising what you want to say to her first and call her (in the mirror) by her first name, not "mum' and this helps to see her as an equal.

xx

LittleMyDancing · 07/07/2008 14:44

frootloop, do you have a DP/DH? Can you brief him to support you on this one?

I know how hard it is with mothers, their advice and our reaction comes with years and years of baggage, but would your mum listen to your DH if he also explained why you're not weaning yet?

eggandketchup · 07/07/2008 15:59

bump

Flibbertyjibbet · 07/07/2008 16:21

Practise your responses.
Keep the pc and internet on at all times then if it gets too much for you come and vent on mumsnet
But bring baby with you to the pc room otherwise your mother will have given him a bacon buttie when you go back in the room.
I too had comments of 'starving' my two sons from MIL. My own mother is fabulous at not interfering and would rather bite her hand off than criticise our parenting. But then she learned the hard way from her own mother who interfered all the time.
My mil has a dd and a dil who both gave birth since I had ds1, and both those girls still went for the 14 week weaning thing.

Just one point, I mix fed so can't comment knowingly on ff babies. And I don't want to be seen as commenting on how to feed your baby. But if your baby will take milk, but just not a huge amount at once, then maybe you should chuck away the instruction part of the formula and just let him have smaller bottles whenever he is a hungry? One of my babies wanted long feeds at wide intervals, the other just wanted little feeds all the time. I have seen sil and mil trying to get my nieces to 'finish a feed' when the baby just didn't want any more, because the instructions on the formula can said the baby 'should' be having x number of x ounce feeds x times a day. But babies can't read the instructions and will want a feed when they are hungry and stop when they aren't hungry any more.

Good luck with your mother!]

Oh and dont' worry, as soon as your baby is weaned she will find something else to comment on....