Breastfeeding and co-parenting/overnight stays.

[JustMePlus3]

Me and my partner live separately, we have a nearly 20 month old toddler who’s still breastfeeding obsessed, it’s her only form of comfort and her biggest sleep association, we’ve co-slept since day one and she’s always fed to sleep, and still wakes frequently through the night to feed, obviously more for comfort than nutrition.

As we’re approaching her 2nd birthday me and my partner are trying to navigate how and when she will start having overnight stays with him, I’m very unsure how this will work as she’s never taken a pacifier, had a comfort blanket ect and the only other way she sleeps for a nap in the day is to take her for a walk in the pushchair which obviously isn’t practical for night time as she can’t sleep in a pushchair twice a week.

shes definitely not ready to be weaned from breastfeeding and as I am a solo parent (dad only visits once a week for a few hours due to his own commitments) I am not willing to put myself and my daughter through the strain of trying to wean while I have nobody else to support her getting to sleep, I think it would take a massive tole on my mental health to have to force-ably put my daughter through that and deny her her only source of comfort.

dads Adamant he will be able to settle her, so I’m kinda just in the mind frame of just letting him try and if he’s successful then great, and if he isn’t then, I told you so? Those situation and just continuing to breastfeed while she’s with me until she’s ready to wean on her own. I say “i told you so” as she’s always shared a bed with me and fed throughout the night and this was never an issue with him until recently, seems to all of a sudden have a chip on his shoulder about it even though he used to praise me for it, but anyway. so her going there and having not only her “Milkies” taken away, but also having to sleep alone is going to stress the poor girl out beyond belief and I think once dad realizes this he’s going to realize it’s too soon for her and hopefully come to his senses but it’s causing a lot of tension in the relationship so I’d rather he just realize this for himself than him keep labelling me the bad guy.

the question is, would I need to pump during the nights she isn’t here since she would normally breastfeed so frequently through the night? I wouldn’t want my milk to dry up for when she is here? or would my body still sustain my supply now due to how far along we are?

She’s a toddler now, she needs her dad more than breast milk. You’re coparenting and will need to compromise.

My partner said no way ever would he take his breastfeeding/co sleeping child away from her mother in the night, what kind of selfish man would do that.
My BF daughter (and her older siblings) started sleeping through around 3y. He can wait until then, another year, there is no rush. Her MH/emotional needs comes first, not that of a fully grown man.

Yes it’ll affect your supply. Not sure your ex would be bothered about you waking in night to express, not good for your MH either. Guess you could feed more in the day. Do you work? expressed BM is not what your LO is after though, you know this. It’s the comfort, warmth of her mother, what she has always known. She is only 20m old, is still so little, WHO say Breastmilk 2y and beyond. Can he see her more in the day when she is actually awake?

At that age, my breastfed DD was able to spend the odd night away from me with no issue. It did not affect my supply, and even though she wouldn’t sleep without feeding when I was there, she was totally fine when I wasn’t.

However, she was with my husband/her dad who is a fantastic involved dad. She wasn’t with a man she only sees once a week for a few hours. I don’t think the breastfeeding is your main issue. I think it’s that she barely knows him, and I don’t think that’s ok for an overnight. Can’t he stay at yours for some overnights first?

I agree with @WhatAMarvelousTune. At this stage I don't think a night away from your DD will affect your supply and I don't think you'd need to pump. If you were having a night away from her and leaving her with her dad I'd be very much "go for it" if he was more of a hands on parent. It's the fact that she barely knows him that is the problem here. If he wants to give it a try, make sure he knows he can bring her back in the middle of the night if she is upset.

@WhatAMarvelousTuneiv asked him since the day dot to come over and spend more time with her, he works 4 on 4 off so he could definitely come over more and iv encouraged him to but there’s always an excuse, he doesn’t drive so will say he can’t afford the bus fair ect, or he needs to go shopping,

i moved over to the next town while i was pregnant which he was always aware I was going to do when we got together but was very angry and resentful about it and hasn’t been the same since, I believe he’s not played a very big role in her life intentionally as some sort of way to punish me for moving away (only 20 mins away I might add, it’s ridiculous) and the thing is he never normally even asks for extra days or to take her out.

What happened was is he text me asking to take all our children out together and gave me two dates he was available on, I was at haven with my children out doing activities at the time and said I would get back to him when I had a minute to check which date would be best. He then followed up saying if I was busy could he just take her on his own, but his suggestions were the cinema or ‘flip out’ the trampoline park, for a twenty month old in the summer holidays while the trampoline park would be rammed with kids and therefore dangerous for her to park take in,

so once again said I would get back to him later when I was back from said activities with the children, he flipped his lid and told me if I didn’t let him take her he’d be seeking court action and start scolding me about breastfeeding and not letting him have her overnight baring in mind he has no where for her to stay at hers and tried to say she can’t sleep in bed with him which is an absolute no go as he has a prescription for cannabis and is a heavy user and this would be dangerous as he’s such a deep sleeper due to the cannabis use and could role on her, he has no bed for her or a room for her to stay in as he already has 3 children in a 3 bed house and his daughter is 12 in a small box room so I have no idea how he thinks it would work.

he has apologized and said sorry for the over reaction and not being patient and that he should of never mentioned court and that he just perceived me saying I’d get back to him later as a ‘no’ and we agreed to meet up on the date he had suggested but that also means he won’t of seen her for 3 weeks and hasn’t asked to see her before hand so this doubles down on what iv been saying about the fact he needs to actually bond with her before randomly planning on swanning off with her to wherever.

it’s like he thinks she’s a toy that he can pick up and drop whenever he feels like it. I am seeking advice from a solicitor incase he threatens me again, but ultimately need to prepare just incase, hence the post.

@Seriestwoif dad had been around more I’d totally agree, however on the occasions I left her at my home with him while I popped out he told me when I left she hid from
him, and the second time that she wouldn’t go near him. Those are his words, and his fault for never being around despite being asked to be around more since she was born. The only reason this has came about is because his other children are off school and his eldest daughter has asked to see our toddler, he’s got his daughters hopes up for these set dates he was available to take them all out together before confirming I was available and because iv not given him an an answer instantly because I was out on holiday doing activities with my elder children he’s Perceived my delay in responding as me saying no, and therefore feels like his elder daughter will be disappointed and has flipped his lid and made aload of threats unnecessarily and has since apologised for his over reaction and blames his outbursts on his adhd. Iv since confirmed we can meet him on the date he suggested but hasn’t asked to see her before had which means he won’t of seen her for 4 weeks, I actually thought it was 3 weeks when replying to the other comment but iv just checked the dates and it will be 4 weeks, so no, I don’t think taking her only source of comfort away from her for a father who’s happy to go 4 week without seeing his child is more important actually, Infact I believe it would be very cruel and unnecessary to inflict that on her just for him to never take her anywhere anyway, this is the first time he’s asked in her life and is only because his eldest daughters asked not because he wanted to 🙄

You don't need to wean to allow another adult to settle, and I don't think you need to pump. I'm BF at 22 months and I've had quite a few nights away for work, friends etc. my DD has been fine but she's with my DH, and my MIL looks after her a lot.

BUT - I am far more concerned that your DD doesn't spend much time with her dad, so going to an overnight is a massive jump. If he wants to work towards overnight, he needs to be spending increasing amounts of time with her in the day first. I wouldn't even be considering overnight stays until he is far more involved in a regularly basis. i can't see how overnight stays are necessary right now when he's so uninvolved. this is not about breastfeeding or cosleeping, this is about your DD and her dad getting to know each other more, I would say the same even if no BF and sleeping alone.

@Peonies12thank you, this is great to know, I’m not anticipating it actually happening anytime soon but just wanting to be prepared just incase, it’s great to know that I can continue to breastfeed if she does end up doing over nights.
I don’t think dad has any intentions of actually stepping up and being consistent I do believe he was just more on a power trip when he didn’t get his own way but I think it would be silly for me not to prepare myself mentally just incase. Thank you 🙏

@JustMePlus3 I don’t think his set up sounds suitable for overnight stays tbh - no bed for DD, heavy cannabis user, can’t come to collect her, never sees her. Why on earth does he want her overnight? It sounds like his eldest daughter has asked.

Do you have other children together who do go to stay over?

I think it’s poor that he barely sees her at all when he lives 20 mins away. Can you drive & take her over more often?

@converseandjeansit is a case of the elder daughters asked. Which is lovely of her and obviously I’d never say no to that, he just didn’t allow me time to respond/date check as I was busy. I’m currently doing driving lessons and always suggest taking her places with all the children so they can spend time together but he always says he has no money (due to the £400/£500 a month he spends on his cannabis prescription) I could never take her to his previous home as it was utterly filthy, he had problems with mice and mold, he as his children were living in squaller, he claimed he stop taking care of the home as he was being evicted and has since moved, (I wasn’t aware of this prior to getting pregnant as he always came to my house, also wasn’t aware he was smoking all over the house while his other children were present, iv kept evidence of all of this in case we end up in court) his new home hasn’t got flooring in many places, and is already showing signs of going downhill in terms of hygiene, I.e rubbish everywhere clutter, dirty bathrooms ect, he has baby proofed in the slightest, no safety gates, wires all over, he just doesn’t see her as being a resident there so doesn’t make it safe for her to go, says he wouldn’t smoke inside his new house but has already sent me snapchats of him smoking in his kitchen. There’s so many safe guarding issues it unreal, hence why iv felt the need to stay in the relationship to protect my daughter while I figure out a plan moving forward. Obviously I want her to have a relationship with her but it needs to be in a safe environment. He’s already been deemed unfit by the courts to see his eldest twins who are now 15/16 I believe (also wasn’t told about these children until I found out through a mutual friend while pregnant) so I’m in the stage of collecting evidence and saving for court fee’s but ultimately I know even with the stacks of evidence I have showing the many safe guarding issues I know bad parents have still be granted over nights ect so I just want to mentally prepare incase it does get to that stage

@JustMePlus3 based on your update I don’t think the issue is whether DD will cope without you for the night - rather he is completely unsuitable as someone to have any child in his house. I can’t keep track of how many children he has & who is actually in his current set up. You say he has older twins you never even knew existed & that he is deemed unsafe to have them in his house. Then there is the 12 yo daughter. Where are the mothers of these children?

I don’t think you should send DD to the house either during the day or overnight. It sounds like a health hazard.

Does he send you any maintenance?

@converseandjeanshe has 6 children in totally, the older twins who he’s not allowed access to from his first partner, 3 children who currently live with him from his second partner (two boys, 16 & 10 & 1 girl 12) then the daughter we have together (20 months) the 3 children who lives with hims mother kicked the eldest boy (16) out so he went to live with him permanently, he had the other two from the second relationship 50/50 4 days on 4 days off, there mother picked her boyfriend and drugs/drink over the children and social services put all her children on a child protection order so there dad/my daughter dad, kept the children and never returned them. Despite social services saying it was ok for them to go back to there mother and two of the children asking to go back to there mum he won’t let them and has told there mother if she goes to his house he will call the police. This is another reason I’m scared of letting her go incase he doesn’t give her back and I have to get a emergency court order to get her home, this would be so distressing for her as she’s never known anything but me. Our home life’s also totally different I have a very calm clean and happy home. Where as he often has police at his home due to violence between him and his 16 year old, his younger boy 10 often lashes out and smashes the home up, I have evidence of all this Incase I ever need it, the whole things a totally bloody disaster and obviously I wish I wasn’t in this situation but this is my reality right now and I’m just trying to navigate keeping my daughter safe while saving funds for legal representation if he does decide to switch up on me again and take me to court.

he would never provide for her and always said he had to money for nappies ect do I went though the child maintenance service and he does now pay weekly towards her

That information is key.

He’s much less sensible than I read from your OP.

its a safety and overcrowding issue, rather than breastfeeding.

he sounds chaotic

TBH, I’m concerned about these kids who do live with him.

is social work involved? Do school know their living situation? Poor things.

has he no idea how to control his fertility?

I really wouldn't be giving the BF a second thought given your update. That's the least of your concerns. I am so surprised you even let him see your DD given his history and situation.

I have had all of my grandchildren for overnight stays whilst they were EBF under 6 months old. Their mums just expressed milk and I fed them a bottle. It’s perfectly doable.

@Seriestwoiv also been concerned for a long time, he’s been reported by other parents on the school run as he walks them to school smoking a joint, school themselves have reported him, he has on going on off issues with social services but continually lies to them hence why I started collecting evidence as just my word would not be sufficient enough to prove what’s going on. & Iv asked him many of times to get the snip and he just refuses, I do believe he would have more children despite not having any time for his newest edition or making any improvements within himself to be a better father, he genuinely doesn’t see any wrong in what he’s doing, says he’s a good dad and isn’t a danger to any of them, it’s pure delusion and why I’m having to take the long route round to getting this solved

@Peonies12i let him see her as if I didn’t this would absolutely go against me in court, at least if he sees her in my home or while I’m present I know she’s safe, and tbh it’s an utterly saddening situation for my toddler and my heart breaks for her and I’m just trying to lessen the damage as much as I possibly can, I still hold out hope he’ll change even though I know this is very unlikely

If he’s currently only seeing her once a week for a few hours then surely he needs to build up the time he spends with her gradually before she stays with him overnight?

@Abracadabra12iv explained this to him many of times but unfortunately he puts his own feelings before anyone else’s and isn’t bothered how much distress this could cause her, I’m hoping to avoid it as much as possible but need to prepare for the worst just incase.

I have no idea why you chose to have a child with this man, nor why you seem to still be in a relationship with him. I would not be letting my toddler go and stay overnight with a heavy cannabis user EVER and I think it would be neglectful of you to do so. Frankly, I wouldn't want him around my child at all.

Tell him to take you to court if he wants. Given his lifestyle and the amount of time he bothers spending with her, he doesn't have a cat in hells chance of overnight access.

@JustMePlus3 the more you write the worse he sounds. Did you not know he had so many children already & ones that he doesn’t see or pay for? If I was you I would move away from the area so he had no contact at all.

The situation with the brothers kicking off makes the environment unsafe. I can see why the 12yo DD wants to see her little sister.

Could you include her in some contact? They are half sisters. It would be safer on your terms.

Do you have other children?

@whippersnapper55everyones keeps telling me he doesn’t stand a chance but I’m still scared I can’t lie, courts have let children down before & I wasn’t aware of these issues when we got together or I wouldn’t of gone near him

@converseandjeansno I knew he had the 3 with the second relationship but didn’t find out about his twins until I was pregnant he never mentioned them and I found out through a mutual friend just by chance in conversation, I was in utter shock.

yes I’m more than happy for the siblings to spend time together I suggest days out a lot, I actually paid for him and the 3 siblings to come to butlins with us for the week, he always says he has no money so I paid for there accommodation, drinks and food package so they didn’t go without. I do feel awfully bad for the children and I know the boys behavior is due to there dads bad influence on them so I wouldn’t want to exclude them having a relationship with there sister and hopefully seeing how a normal less chaotic family operates

yes i have two older children with my previous partner. They don’t see my toddlers dad as he only visits once a week between school hours

@JustMePlus3 does the Dad of the older kids have contact with them? I can’t fathom why you went on to have a baby with this man. Did you not see the state of his house or pick up on the fact he was a useless parent to the 3 kids you knew about? I honestly can’t see anyone awarding him any rights to overnight stays. It sounds like his older daughter is keen & that is due I imagine to the chaos of the brothers & her Dad.