Would you let your son meet a boy who racially abused him?

[BWJA921]

My 15 year old son was subject to racist abuse from another boy at his school for a year. We followed procedure, school were involved, the boy apologised half-heartedly and for the last 6 months 6 months we have heard no more about it.

Yesterday, my son said he'd planned to meet up with racist boy to complete a school media project which would require them to go to the woods / secluded areas to film. My son instigated this.

I have spoken to my son and explained that racism cannot be forgotten, and told him I was not comfortable with his meeting this boy. There were lots of tears. I asked him to consider if deep down he could ever see this boy as a person he can trust.

My son has since cancelled the meet up but I'm feeling guilty. My son hasnt got many friends and hes trying to expand his friendship group but I worry that he is picking wrong uns.

Please be gentle, I am feeling very raw. But what would you have done?

That sounds really tricky, OP. I'm so sorry that your son has been bullied, and for such an extra shitty reason.

I don't think I can jude really on the basis of the information you give. Here are some of the questions I have:

Is there a difference in strength between the boys? It sounds like you worry your son could come to grief, be physically attcked in a secluded area. Whether that fear is realistic depends very much on the comparison between the two boys.

Has your son explained to you why he has chosen to befriend this kid specifically? What do you make of the reasons he gives?

Why did this bring your 15 year old son to tears? Is he this desperate for friends?

Did you effectively prohibit the meeting, or just strongly advise against (bit of a grey area there, especialy at 15)?

Tbh I'd feel like a lot depends on the other boy's motivation. Did he pick on your son because he is (forgive the phrase) a 'committed racist' and his actions were the function of his worldview, or is/was he a mixed-up kid who had an urge to victimize someone and 'race' became a way to do that?

In the second case, I can see how the boys could perhaps feel their way towards each other. In the first case, no way unless there is an extensive and fulsome apologie, a conversion of sorts.

But really the most important questin now is how your son moves forward. What would be a better way to expand his circle? Can he practice self-sufficiency? Coping with rejection?

I'm Sorry OP I'm not sure this is any good to you. whatever you do, just be there for him.

I'm very sorry for what your son went though, it sounds like a truly horrible experience.

I agree with the PP that more context is needed really about the motivation for and dynamics of this meet up. But my gut reaction is that by prohibiting it, you are possibly denying your son the opportunity to assert good boundaries and perhaps change the narrative past narrative of victim to one where he feels confident and in control.

But if you think he is still going to be vulnerable in relation to this boy then I can absolutely see why you would want to do anything to protect him from being sucked into what could be a renewal of the racist bullying. It's difficult.

You did the right thing. We are not their friends we are their parents and doing it right is sometimes hard - you had to take a call for him that he will be grateful for in the long run but right now he just sees possible friendships but you know that these are not safe people or the type of friends he needs. Well done on holding firm for him even if he can’t see right now that was the right thing to do - he will one day and he will thank you x

Thank you @twocornichons my immediate thought is that the racist abuse inflicted by this boy over 1 year can not be undone. He will live with this for the rest of his life. Having experienced racism myself I know that those words can cut deep. I didnt tell him not to see the boy, I asked him if he would be happy to start a friendship with this boy who previously caused a lot of pain.

Don’t feel guilty, you did the right thing encouraging him to cancel. A 16yo boy who has dished out a year of racist abuse sounds dangerous and unhinged. All I can think is that he was brought up by someone racist, but even if that were the case, everyone knows that racism is unacceptable and everyone also knows that bullying is unacceptable.

I’d be unhappy with the school for letting this joint assignment thing happen, given what’s gone on

Absolutely not, I wouldn’t allow my son to meet up with the boy. You did the right thing. Sometimes as a race we can be too forgiving in circumstances that don’t require it to our detriment. Other races control/ orchestrate their children’s friendships more than we realise, I know that for a fact.
So, you follow your motherly instincts good for you. Your son will find the right friends in due time.

You did the right thing. Your ds cannot trust that other boy, and I would have been very worried about them meeting up in an isolated place.

You’ve done the right thing, my son was racially bullied by a boy 5 years ago, he has lovely friends now, but I know he’s never forgotten it and it still affects him, they were friends for years before.

You were absolutely right. Your son cannot trust this boy, and he should have higher standards for potential friends.

You definitely did the right thing. Going into a secluded place with someone who is known to not be a nice person. No way. Well done op

Thank you @countrylifeorcitylife @IButtleSir @lunar1 @MissyB1 @DM29 @qamvbm @. My gut was telling me not to trust this situation. I have to trust that my son will make other friends who are true friends.

I am angry that my son has to navigate this situation at this young age. Dealing with racism and seeing the ugliness of people's minds. My son knows deep down that he couldnt trust this boy but he is disappointed that a new friendship isnt on the horizon.

It’s heartbreaking isn’t it, my sons are mixed white/indian, and I definitely wasn’t prepared for how young and hard racism hits.

I did a lot of reading, I talked to a lot of people but I still wasn’t prepared. My eldest is 17 now, and I’ll never forget after the first few months at school, a Black mum said to me when we went for lunch, she hopes our sons stayed friends, they would need each other.

thank god they did stay friends, because it’s not the white kids that speak up when racism happens, those two, and our whole families will be friends for life at this point.

You have done the right thing. Your son will be sad now, but it is your job to protect him and help him make sensible choices.
It's better to be alone, than to be badly accompanied.

Better safe than sorry is a wise position to take, and in the woods is also not where you go to test if a character has been reformed. Racism is an ugly and violent thing, and I wouldn't trust that boy as far as I can throw him, so him and his half-hearted apology would be kept at a distance.

I'm really sorry your son has to deal with this. It's heartbreaking when our children have to be subjected to the nastiness of horrible, hateful people. Keep supporting him and helping him build his esteem, until he finds his right friends.

@BWJA921
I'm not the sort to forget or forgive and
I'm glad you told him no
Because I wouldn't trust this boy either ever
Perhaps after the constant verbal battering from this boy he may think he's "lesser" and that in turn affects his so-called friends selection instinct
Willing to bet the boy instigated the first move too
When I first read your message I thought why the woods?
Honestly you saved him from god knows what there
He will eventually make real friends
I feel the bully may have had even had a hand in others not being friendly
Believe me some kids are born vicious and always several steps ahead when it comes to manipulation as I witnessed at my own children's school; the "white english" being the worse followed by white passing eastern european types who really should've turned up for school not in the school uniform but that of the Hitler youth
Racists don't ever change
They can't help their instincts
And at this moment on the world's stage
It's all theirs.