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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Gifts for a terminally ill person

38 replies

RisingPhoenix · 13/02/2010 19:34

I hope it is not insensitive to post here. Very difficult to know where to put this query.

Some friends and I are putting together a pamper parcel for a another friend who has terminal cancer. We have ummed and ahhhed - it seems a bit crass in some ways, but we are well meaning and want to do something.

We are putting the usual in but I was thinking some books and dvds might be good too. But then it seems such a minefield (have to be careful with the subject matter covered not to evoke distress). Any suggestions?

Thank you

OP posts:

EccentricaGallumbits · 13/02/2010 19:36

no experience but i think it's lovely.

what about some vouchers for complementary type thingys? reflexology, massage, aromatherapy type stuff.

brimfull · 13/02/2010 19:36

comedy book that's easy to dip in and out of
is it for a man or woman?

brimfull · 13/02/2010 19:36

god mine sounds crass
just thought a light hearted book might be nice

Original poster

RisingPhoenix · 13/02/2010 19:37

A woman (a young woman at that - and a mum of small children )

OP posts:

Original poster

RisingPhoenix · 13/02/2010 19:37

I think she'd like a laugh actually ggirl. Appropriate for her, I'd say

OP posts:

brimfull · 13/02/2010 19:38

how sad
difficult one

mummyofexcitedprincesses · 13/02/2010 19:40

How about some nice music, candles, maybe some pampering stuff or aromatherapy things. Or arrange a massage or similar treat- a mani-pedi or facial?

When my dad was dying he appreciated books but towards the end he could no longer concentrate on them.

It is a lovely idea.

bibbitybobbityhat · 13/02/2010 19:46

It depends on how close to death the person is.

If she is still able to be out and about and participate then I think a lovely meal out with friends and a lot of laughs, or a weekend away, or a trip in a hot air balloon, trip in a limo to the theatre ... that kind of thing would be nice.

If, however, she is now fairly restricted in what she can do, then anything at all she likes to eat, drink, see, read, hear or smell would I'm sure be very welcome.

Kirst16 · 13/02/2010 19:48

Thinking along the lines of a voucher for a family day out (if she is up to it), so both she and the children have some special memories together. Or perhaps a portrait sitting with a local photographer, so the children have some recent pictures with their mum. Some nice notebooks or scrapbook would also go down well, that way she can document thins for the family, which they can look back on in years to come. Or if you are short for cash some IOU vouchers (where you offer your services, help with chores etc, doing school run etc) which will help make her life easier when she isn't feeling so great.

PixieOnaLeaf · 13/02/2010 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

fruitshootsandheaves · 13/02/2010 19:51

from experience, I would suggest some talking books on CD.

Original poster

RisingPhoenix · 13/02/2010 19:53

Talking books - good plan for when she is too tired to read and concentrate. Do I need to be unduly careful of subject material?

OP posts:

Georgimama · 13/02/2010 19:55

There's no comparison to being terminally ill, but when I was in hospital with a broken spine I couldn't read books - too much effort. I liked magazines a lot, and also talking books, particularly funny ones. I listened to some BBC comedy series (Blackadder etc) on CD and that kept me entertained.

It's a minefield though and you probably know best what sort of thing.

fruitshootsandheaves · 13/02/2010 19:56

Recent bestsellers would be a safe bet I would have thought. Obviously steer away from any which sound like they are a bit melancholy(sp?)

Ivykaty44 · 13/02/2010 19:56

I would possibly incluse a funny book - cheering someone up would be needed at a time like this, having a good death and good days beofre going would be important.

sorry about your friend..

thirtysomething · 13/02/2010 20:02

very sorry this is happening.

depnds on budget but if there's lots of you clubbing together what about one of those e-book thingies? the amazon one comes with lots of pre-loaded books and they can speak the book instead if she's not able to read the text....

whomovedmychocolate · 13/02/2010 20:08

When my friend died last year I gave her a book (at her request) on humanist funerals - I know it sounds very morbid but she was aware she was going to die and wanted to do it her way (and she did).

She did complain a lot of sore lips though - so lip balm (hospital air is very drying), and she also got through a lot of dry shampoo (couldn't bathe or shower easily and felt her hair was horrid).

Or how about a digital radio and some headphones, the hospital tele/radio things are very limited.

Flightattendant · 13/02/2010 20:10

I'm actually in a similar position atm, books have been requested but am not sure what type would be good.

I hope you find something suitable. Just think of the kind of thing she would normally talk about reading. There's no reason that would change now, unless she habitually read books about death etc I guess.. in which case something else might be more appropriate.

I'm sorry this is happening. There are too many poorly mums around

Original poster

RisingPhoenix · 13/02/2010 20:11

These are all good suggestions - thanks

OP posts:

Flightattendant · 13/02/2010 20:12

Cross posts Wmmc!

It really does depend on the person.

Original poster

RisingPhoenix · 13/02/2010 20:12

Sorry to hear that FlightAttendant - its miserable isn't it

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Flightattendant · 13/02/2010 20:17

Yes. Feel very helpless at the mo.

I got some of her favourite chocolate to send but she's on a special diet so can't eat it...that is the saddest box of chocolates I have ever had to eat.

Gosh I'm being gloomy tonight! Sorry. I'm sure your friend will be really touched by what you are doing.

Sparkler · 13/02/2010 20:23

My step dad passed away just after Christmas . He had been poorly for quite a while. We all bought him Christmas presents and most of them didn't get used. One present that he really loved was a cushion. He loved elephants and this cushion was really beautiful and had a picture of an elephant on it. He had great use from this before he passed away and helped him to sit comfortably in his chair. Mum hugs it now when she thinks of him.
I don't know if this is something you might think of?

Original poster

RisingPhoenix · 13/02/2010 20:24

That's really poignant Sparkler and a good idea. Sorry for your loss

OP posts:

keresley · 13/02/2010 20:38

I too am in same position. My lovely close friend terminally ill with 3 young boys. I recently sent her a huge box of pampering products which she seemed to appreciate. I also offered her my family holiday that I had booked and paid for as a gift so that she could go with her family. Plus, I offered to stay at her house this valentines weekend so that she could go away to a hotel with her husband. It is all so desperately sad.

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