Gifts for a terminally ill person

[RisingPhoenix]

I hope it is not insensitive to post here. Very difficult to know where to put this query.

Some friends and I are putting together a pamper parcel for a another friend who has terminal cancer. We have ummed and ahhhed - it seems a bit crass in some ways, but we are well meaning and want to do something.

We are putting the usual in but I was thinking some books and dvds might be good too. But then it seems such a minefield (have to be careful with the subject matter covered not to evoke distress). Any suggestions?

Thank you

[Pictureperfect]

Can she write? They do books for Mums with questions and space for the mum to write about her childhood and life, I imagine it would be very hard to do but very special. What about voucher for home manicure for her and her girls (if she has them) or something to do together to make precious memories

[AnnaBanananana]

not sure if this has been mentioned but m&s do half length dressing gowns which are great for people in bed because they dont have loads at the back to bunch up

[GeriC]

Thank you to all the posters on this thread. I googled 'gifts for terminally ill people' and got directed to this site. It has been so helpful. Thank you. Ger

[Heifer]

When my mum was in the hospice she really wanted a pair of nice pjs. She had always worn long silk nighties which just weren't practical.

I bought her a pair of silk pjs which she loved as made her feel she still looked glam.

She also like having her legs massaged, and lip balm.

It really does depend on what stage her illness it as to what is appropriate. But just the fact that you are going to any trouble I am sure will have the right result in cheering up your friend, making her feel cared for and thought of.

[gherkinwithapurplemerkin]

When my mum was dying she appreciated most

photographs of important times/people (perhaps you could do a photo book from photobox or similar?)

Books of poetry that she could dip in and out of. Poetry says a lot at difficult times

Flowers in her room at all times. She had white tulips in her room when she died - white tulips still hold a special place in my heart.

Peoples' time - visits and phone calls. Oh and LETTERS. (not emails).

[devilsadvocaat]

when my dad was very ill i bought him some thick snuggly socks (as your extremities can suffer when you are poorly) and soft lounging jumper/trousers.

so sorry for you

[newkiwi]

I gave kids books- a trilogy by Isobel Allende I think.

But the best things her family did was get a puppy. They still have him and it is a great comfort to them.

[ChippingIn]

It's a lovely thing to do for your friend.

I have been thinking about what I would like if it were me... I would want to know there were people there for my children, forever, not just for the immediate period. So reassurance from everyone re that. Same for DH. I would find great comfort from seeing things like a photo album of my friends with my children with just a couple of photos in it, with promises that they would fill them up when I'm gone. Knowing my friends will talk to them about me. Will make sure they know how much I loved them and didn't choose this...

That would mean the world to me.

Spending time with me.

Other little things... silly nonsense 'Shopaholic' type DVD's/books, Kendoku (like sudoku but harder), good for occupying the brain (if she is still up to it), lipgloss, hand cream (Clarins is nice, not too strongly scented or greasy), new PJ's etc.

As someone else said, if she's at home, clean & ironed sheets changed often.

If she is able - any food, drink, sweets she likes...

I am sure, that no matter what you put in, she will love how much thought and effort you have put into it...

x

[SrStanislaus]

One luxury I craved when I was very ill at home was clean-ironed -bedding. No-one else seemed to care much about the ironing part and washing is easy enough but how lovely it was to get into a newly made bed with super fresh ,super flat sheets even though it wore me out to do it. It would have been fantastic to have someone do it for me. Bliss.

I hated some smells when in was in hospital so anything that helps create a personal smell will help a lot. Find out whatever her normal favourite bath/shower stuff is and get lots of complementary wipes/hand creams etc.

Offer to do some of the moisturising for her - hands/arms/feet etc.And ,if she can tolerate it, a proper manicure/pedicure.

Third the lip balm. Dry lips are the very devil and licking them makes things worse.

I actually disagree about the exclusively 'cheering up' DVDs. She is very aware of her fate and needs time to wallow as well as showing a cheerful demeanour to her loved ones. A good old weepie will give her 'permitted' bawling time.

Spending time with her AND the children -helping the DCs make cakes/papier mache/general messy play .Video the proceedings and watch the end result together.

Its fantastic that you are doing this for your friend. Many people say the rights things but make themselves scare when it counts

[Snowstorm]

When my god-mother was dying my MIL suggested an audio book (I bought her "Yes Minister" or "Yes Prime Minister", can't remember which but thought it was light-hearted and might distract her a bit) and some misting spray for her for if she was getting hot flushes etc. (she was having chemo). I didn't do the latter but in some cases maybe it'd go down well.

[Littlefish]

Could you afford a small Ipod or MP3 player, pre-loaded with her and your favourite songs?

[MissM]

A box set of DVDs and lots of music. When my brother was in hospital he watched endless episodes of various series and listened to music when he couldn't focus on reading. Second the lip balm, but re. the scented candles etc. be aware that if she's undergoing chemo she might be feeling very sick and strong smells might make this worse.

[Lighteningbugs]

I was once very very ill in hospital and it seemed as it there was no hope. Luckily I did get well again. The best gift I was given at that time was a cushion with some lavender inside it and a little bottle of lavender oil. It was very relaxing and took away that horrible hospital smell. I still feel very grateful for that extremely thoughtful gift.

[keresley]

I too am in same position. My lovely close friend terminally ill with 3 young boys. I recently sent her a huge box of pampering products which she seemed to appreciate. I also offered her my family holiday that I had booked and paid for as a gift so that she could go with her family. Plus, I offered to stay at her house this valentines weekend so that she could go away to a hotel with her husband. It is all so desperately sad.

[RisingPhoenix]

That's really poignant Sparkler and a good idea. Sorry for your loss

[Sparkler]

My step dad passed away just after Christmas . He had been poorly for quite a while. We all bought him Christmas presents and most of them didn't get used. One present that he really loved was a cushion. He loved elephants and this cushion was really beautiful and had a picture of an elephant on it. He had great use from this before he passed away and helped him to sit comfortably in his chair. Mum hugs it now when she thinks of him.
I don't know if this is something you might think of?

[Flightattendant]

Yes. Feel very helpless at the mo.

I got some of her favourite chocolate to send but she's on a special diet so can't eat it...that is the saddest box of chocolates I have ever had to eat.

Gosh I'm being gloomy tonight! Sorry. I'm sure your friend will be really touched by what you are doing.

[RisingPhoenix]

Sorry to hear that FlightAttendant - its miserable isn't it

[Flightattendant]

Cross posts Wmmc!

It really does depend on the person.

[RisingPhoenix]

These are all good suggestions - thanks

[Flightattendant]

I'm actually in a similar position atm, books have been requested but am not sure what type would be good.

I hope you find something suitable. Just think of the kind of thing she would normally talk about reading. There's no reason that would change now, unless she habitually read books about death etc I guess.. in which case something else might be more appropriate.

I'm sorry this is happening. There are too many poorly mums around

[whomovedmychocolate]

When my friend died last year I gave her a book (at her request) on humanist funerals - I know it sounds very morbid but she was aware she was going to die and wanted to do it her way (and she did).

She did complain a lot of sore lips though - so lip balm (hospital air is very drying), and she also got through a lot of dry shampoo (couldn't bathe or shower easily and felt her hair was horrid).

Or how about a digital radio and some headphones, the hospital tele/radio things are very limited.

[thirtysomething]

very sorry this is happening.

depnds on budget but if there's lots of you clubbing together what about one of those e-book thingies? the amazon one comes with lots of pre-loaded books and they can speak the book instead if she's not able to read the text....

[Ivykaty44]

I would possibly incluse a funny book - cheering someone up would be needed at a time like this, having a good death and good days beofre going would be important.

sorry about your friend..

[fruitshootsandheaves]

Recent bestsellers would be a safe bet I would have thought. Obviously steer away from any which sound like they are a bit melancholy(sp?)