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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Have you ever missed a really important funeral?

41 replies

Spidermama · 25/06/2009 16:00

It looks like my good friend's funeral is going to be on Tuesday. I'm distraught.

On Friday I'm going up to Scotland with all four kids for a week to visit my sister and to see the opening performance of their Dad's who. It has been planned for ages. We won't get a family holiday this summer as DH is on tour.

I really, really want and need to go to my friend's funeral. I would travel back for the day but my sister will be working so can't look after the kids. I could cut the holiday short and leave, with all the kids, on Monday but that means we'd only have Saturday and Sunday up there instead of almost a whole week.

I fear I will never get over it if I miss my friend's funeral. What would you do?

OP posts:

smurfgirl · 25/06/2009 16:01

I missed my Grandma's husbands funeral due to traffic, felt very very sad about it. Not sure what the answer is tbh.

heavenstobetsy · 25/06/2009 16:07

Is it worth asking your sister if she could take a day off work? I know its a big ask but this is a big thing.

I didn't go to my friends funeral a couple of years ago and I do now sometimes wish I had, I feel that I let her down by not going. The difference is, at the time I chose not to go because I just couldn't. If you already feel that you must go then I think you should, even if it eventually means you will cut your holiday short. Could you do days out with the kids for the rest of the week once youre home?

SoupDragon · 25/06/2009 16:10

I missed my grandmother's funeral because it wasn't right to take DD (she was 18 months then) and there was no one to look after her.

I took all 3 children to the beach where we threw stones into the sea, remembered her and shed a tear or two. I found this actually better than going to the funeral - she wasn't there after all. She loved the sea and this seemed a far better way to mourn her passing/celebrate her life than a funeral.

What do you hope to get out of the funeral (IYSWIM)? It is entirely possible you can get whatever it is by remembering her elsewhere.

nickschick · 25/06/2009 16:21

I know you think you should be there,but in being honest it makes no difference really - you can still take time out of that day to think about her and if you are religious perhaps visit a church that day and pray for her,she has passed and wont care if you are there or not.

I suggest you buy a helium balloon and write her name on it and release it on that day and take exttra time just to be with your dc and relish your life.

You can visit her grave long after her funeral flowers are brown - she is alive in your heart and mind and no-one is truly dead if they are loved and remembered.

Lizzylou · 25/06/2009 16:25

I missed my Great Grandmothers funeral due to being stuck on the M5 in a Traffic Jam. I was really upset by it to be honest, but I was trying to get there and frustrated as it was out of my control iykwim, so it is somewhat different

Agree with Heaventobetsy, could your sister take a day off work?

Original poster

Spidermama · 25/06/2009 16:58

My sis can take half a day off but has an interview so it doesn't work out.

In terms of what I want to get out of it soupy, I want to cement friendships with her loved ones and feel united in her spirit on the day I guess. I want closure. She died very suddenly and we've waited for three weeks for a coroner's report which came this morning.

We've all been in a state of limbo and I would really like to be there.

Thanks for your help. I guess it won't be the absolute end of the world if I don't go, but I can't help thinking it'll always be another sadness to add to the terrible sadness of her sudden and senseless passing.

OP posts:

sarah293 · 25/06/2009 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Lulumama · 25/06/2009 17:03

from what you hvae said, you will be more upset by not going and surely won;t enjoy your break as much with your sister.. can you delay or reschedule, or your DH goes with the children and you meet them there after the funeral?

cathcat · 25/06/2009 17:04

Firstly where about in Scotland are you coming to? It is a slim chance but if near me I could try to help.
Second, did the coroner manage to give you an answer to her sudden death? Hope so as it must be so difficult to not know why she died so suddenly.

belgo · 25/06/2009 17:05

I missed a relative's funeral due to a canceled plane. I was upset but a few months later there was a memorial mass and I went to that and felt like I said my goodbyes then.

I think your friend would understand if you missed it.

Original poster

Spidermama · 25/06/2009 17:11

Cathcat in Glasgow.

The coroner's report said it was cardia something-or-other which basically meant inflamation of the heart due to some sort of virus - even something as innoccuous as a cold. I'm none the wiser, but at least there's not a genetic element for her boys to worry about.

I know she won't mind my not going. It's more because I've been so preoccupied with her passing - we all have - and it has been an agonising three weeks not knowing what happened or when the funeral will be.

I want to stay close to her dh and her close friends by way of keeping her close to me and I fear missing the funeral would alienate me further if that makes sense. Also I want to be part of the letting go ceremony we are all preparing to share. I think for my own grieving process it's important.

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Original poster

Spidermama · 25/06/2009 17:13

Riven I'm so sorry to hear about your dad and his wife not letting you know. I can just imagine my wicked stepmother 'forgetting' to tell us.

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FabBakerGirlIsBack · 25/06/2009 17:14

I didn't go to my nana's funeral as I was 9 months pregnant and my consultant really didn't want me travelling 100s of miles.

I wonder if I could get my head round the fact she has gone more ever more if I had gone but there would have been issues if I had gone tbh.

I feel you will beat yourself up if you don't go so would try and look at all the scenarios to see if you could do everything.

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 25/06/2009 17:14

My aunt's. I drove all the way from Midlands to Edinburgh and went to the wrong crematorium. I actually went (briefly) to 2 funerals at 2 different crems that day, neither of which were the right one. I think I did 60mph up Princess St at one point. I was however the first at the bar for the wake.

cathcat · 25/06/2009 17:15

Oh I'm sorry, I am not that near Glasgow.
I'm sure you will find a way. Really hope something works out for you.

belgo · 25/06/2009 17:16

It does sound like you really want to go to the funeral, I think you might regret not going.

Lulumama · 25/06/2009 17:17

i truly think that you will hurt more if you miss it

LouLovesAeroplaneJelly · 25/06/2009 17:22

You do get over it. I have missed my Uncles, my Great Aunts, family friend and a niece since I have been overseas. It is hard but you do get over it. Remembering thier life is what is important. The funeral is a way to say goodbye. Find somewhere that has meaning and say goodbye in your own way.

morningpaper · 25/06/2009 17:25

Is there anything else you can do/go to? e.g. an interrment?

I missed my Grandma's funeral because I wasn't allowed the time off work. But I went to the interrment (sp?) of her ashes which was good.

Original poster

Spidermama · 25/06/2009 17:30

She's being buried MP. I have already missed the medidation for her which her mum was at.

I will try my hardest to find a solution and get there, and then if that fails I guess I'll let go and arrange my own private session at her memorial site.

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oranges · 25/06/2009 17:40

i think that you can still be part of the network of support for her family without attending the funeral - its the awful silent times afterwards that they will really need people around.

cathcat · 25/06/2009 18:00

You said your sister can take half a day off? How about asking an agency for a nanny/babysitter while she is away at her interview?

Original poster

Spidermama · 25/06/2009 18:28

cathcat I may well do that. I think I will have to. The difficulty is that it will all be very last minute. I have just talked to friend's dh who says he's working towards Tues but hasn't had absolute confirmation from the coroner yet. I feel for him. He says he doesn't want the funeral at all as it's so final.

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SoupDragon · 25/06/2009 18:38

There is every chance her loved ones won't be up to cementing friendships at the funeral. Can you arrange something for afterwards? Be there for them when they start trying to stitch their lives back together? Could you send her a letter to be included in her coffin or maybe to be read by her loved ones

I feel that if you don't dwell on the "not being able to make it" aspect and focus on making it a positive experience for you, you won't regret not being there. Or at least no so much. At the time of the funeral can you plan to find a place she would have liked, listen to songs she loved and remember the good times? Tell her loved ones your plans and that you will be thinking of them all and that you will see them when you are back.

Obviously try to move heaven and earth to get there if you can but don't let it fester and spoil good memories if you can't.

Original poster

Spidermama · 25/06/2009 18:44

I see what you're saying Soupy but I don't really mean cementing friendships on the day. It's more like in the future. We all have memories of the milestones in the lives of our friends like their weddings, births of babies, job successes .... we all like to share in these. This funeral is the last chance I have to share in Sarah's life. I know it sounds daft but I will feel an emptiness if I don't get to do this. Like you say I'll do my best and if I can't get there I will do my own little memorial and make it count. But first I will do everything in my power to get there.

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