Have you ever missed a really important funeral?

[Spidermama]

It looks like my good friend's funeral is going to be on Tuesday. I'm distraught.

On Friday I'm going up to Scotland with all four kids for a week to visit my sister and to see the opening performance of their Dad's who. It has been planned for ages. We won't get a family holiday this summer as DH is on tour.

I really, really want and need to go to my friend's funeral. I would travel back for the day but my sister will be working so can't look after the kids. I could cut the holiday short and leave, with all the kids, on Monday but that means we'd only have Saturday and Sunday up there instead of almost a whole week.

I fear I will never get over it if I miss my friend's funeral. What would you do?

I missed my grandmother's funeral as my dd was 10 days old, it was 400 miles away, and I'd had a section for PET at 35 weeks so wasn't fit to travel. I am still sad about it tbh, 2 1/2 years on.

Having had that experience, I'd probably cut short the holiday... but then I also feel I'd make the same decision again in my situation again. Only you can know. I am so sorry to hear about your friend.

Start a MN thread asking about baby sitters in Glasgow?

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These might help? I am nothing to do with either of them but had a quick google for you as you really sound as though you want to go.

I think as Soupdragon said you should move heaven and earth to get there. And then, if you really truly can't, then when you regret it and feel sad that you didn't make it, you can be absolutely reassured that you did whatever you could.

If you will feel an emptiness if you don't go then you must find a way to go. I think all the ways people have said you can remember her are lovely, and you should do those too, but if you can then you must.

How old are your children? In the worst case scenario is there any way you could take them with you and employ someone to look after them during the funeral itself?

oh spidermama, I am so sorry to hear this. was this all about the time of the children being ill too??

I truly think with regards to the funeral, if yoou are meant to be there, somehting will wokr out, be it from your work at sorting it, or an unexpected source (IYGWIM).

I missed the funerals of both my grandmothers it's a longish story in both cases. I actually think it's more important to be there for the person when they are alive (as my parents pointed out on both occasions). In fact I met dh on the day of my mum's mum's funeral - it might sound weird, but I think she sent him to me.

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Spidermama i am near glasgow. email me

mama attached @ yahoo dot co dot uk

Yes, we missed DD's great grandma's (DH's grandad's second wife) funeral a couple of years ago. Although she wasn't DH's grandma she had been around for a few years and as long as I had known DH. She was a much loved memeber of the family.

However her funeral was in the middle of our holiday abroad. We spoke wth PILs and with grandad and they insisted we still go away on holiday. TBH they were very insistent that it would have been her wish for us to go.

Instead we said our own goodbye with DD, ho was 5 at the time and was her first brush with bereavement. We released aa balloon with a hand written message from DD and said a small prayer and goodbye as we did it. We recorded the release to share with grandadwhen got home. Whilst away on holiday, on the day of the funeral, we also said goodbye and drank a toast in her honour.

I would write a card and send flowers and explain you cannot change your plans, to be honest, as soup says, they will be so wrapped up in their own grief they wouldnt really maybe notice

I missed my grandads funeral, I was going on holiday with my boyfriend (now dh) and another couple, none of us had travel insurance, so i couldnt do anything to change it or cancel. I was there for him in life & for the night he died and am still there for my gran

I missed my grandmother's funeral because my pig of a boss at the time had important golf to play and wouldn't let me have the time off.

But her funeral was in a church and town she didn't know, with none of her friends (mother arranged it at her own church several 100s of miles away from where my grandmother lived for her convenience ). I paid a visit to places that were special to her, a few weeks later, and remembered her in my own way.

When my Dad died a few years ago a close friend of his was unable to make the funeral as he was living in France.

At the time of the funeral they lit a candle for him. I have always thought that was a lovely gesture and very conforting to the family that he was being remembered by those not able to be at the funeral.

I always felt a bit rotten about missing my mum's best friend's funeral - wasn't allowed time off work. It wasn't so much that I had been close to the woman who died, more that I wanted to be with my mum... as it was I sent her a big bunch of flowers (Mum, not a wreath to the funeral) which she liked.
I think the idea of a nanny/babysitter is a good one if you can afford it, but if it's not feasible then, as others have suggested, do something yourself such as lighting a candle or releasing a balloon or playing her favourite song around the time of the funeral. Sorry for your loss.

I remember your thread about your poor friend, how are her boys and her dh?

Obv I dont know you in rl but based upon your post on here around the subject i get the impression that you need to go, it does seem like ages ago that she died which must be adding to the tension and stress waiting for the funeral

It would be a shame if your dcs loose out on their holiday especially as they were so poorly but there hopefully will be more chances for holidays, maybe you could do a 'stay-cation' thing in the summer to make it up to them (or ease the guilt you feel) and there wont be another chance to o to the funeral

Thinking of you, as I know what its like to be very torn, my cousin's son's funeral took place when I was 8 months pregnant with DTs. I really wanted to go, but felt that as they lost him at only a few weeks old, it would be better if I didn't bring my pregnancy to it. They completely understood, although I still wish circumstances had been different and I could have gone.

I can't offer practical support, but my prayers are with you x

Thanks littleducks. It has been a long wait. I think I'm getting there on this. DH is working up there on the day and his show opens the following day so they're doing two runs and he really can't get out of it BUT he thinks he may be able to get a chaperone for the kids so they can be at his work.

Actually I think this would be an absolute blast for them and an experience they'll never forget as he's doing the Walking with Dinosaurs live show so the kids will LOVE hanging out there.

Maybe it'll all work out after all.