I just wanted to post a message to say a few things and to unburden a few things off my shoulders.
On Sunday nightit will be a year since I last felt my baby girl move inside me. On Monday, it will be a year since I found out she had died. On Wednesday a whole year will have passed since my precious girl was bnrn sleeping.
In that year, I have felt my heart break a million times.
In that year I have also discovered I was pregnant again and gone on to give birth to another little girl, my 3rd daughter, Kyirrie. She spent 3 weeks in hospital and underwent major surgery aged 5 days old for a condition we didn't know she had until she was a few hours old. But thankfully she is now home with us.
However, as Eris's birthday approaches I have become aware that being pregnant so soon after losing Eris put some sort of hold on my grief.
And now I am struggling with so many emotions; normal "life with a newborn" stuff, coping with what we have been through with Kyirrie and the ongoing worry that her condition now brings and the fact that I miss Eris so very, very much. It is so hard to look into the eyes of one gorgeous little girl and wonder what the eyes of her sister would have been like.
I am grateful to everyone on Mumsnet who has thought of me over the year and been around to lend some support and words of strength and I think I am hoping that maybe some of you can help me again.
I have to confess that I would like to curl up under my duvet for the next week or so and just cry and sleep my way through this anniversary, but I have 3 other children and just can't do that.