It's nearly a year since Eris was born....

[feedmenow]

I just wanted to post a message to say a few things and to unburden a few things off my shoulders.

On Sunday nightit will be a year since I last felt my baby girl move inside me. On Monday, it will be a year since I found out she had died. On Wednesday a whole year will have passed since my precious girl was bnrn sleeping.

In that year, I have felt my heart break a million times.

In that year I have also discovered I was pregnant again and gone on to give birth to another little girl, my 3rd daughter, Kyirrie. She spent 3 weeks in hospital and underwent major surgery aged 5 days old for a condition we didn't know she had until she was a few hours old. But thankfully she is now home with us.

However, as Eris's birthday approaches I have become aware that being pregnant so soon after losing Eris put some sort of hold on my grief.

And now I am struggling with so many emotions; normal "life with a newborn" stuff, coping with what we have been through with Kyirrie and the ongoing worry that her condition now brings and the fact that I miss Eris so very, very much. It is so hard to look into the eyes of one gorgeous little girl and wonder what the eyes of her sister would have been like.

I am grateful to everyone on Mumsnet who has thought of me over the year and been around to lend some support and words of strength and I think I am hoping that maybe some of you can help me again.

I have to confess that I would like to curl up under my duvet for the next week or so and just cry and sleep my way through this anniversary, but I have 3 other children and just can't do that.

FMN - I think the idea of a present from Eris to your other DCs is wonderful. I would think either something special like a lovely edition of a book that you know you could read and enjoy with your DCs again and again, or else something fun like travellingwilbury says. Would you like your DCs to have a present that is more reflective and thoughtful which might then give you the opportunity to talk about Eris when using it, or do you want something where the main aim is for them to have lots of fun? I guess that depends on whether their laughter when playing with the gift would be a source of comfort to you - that Eris has brought fun and joy to your family - or whether it would remind you too much of your sadness over your loss.

As evie says, I think you and your DP should try and get some outside help if possible. You have so much grief over Eris and ongoing worry over Kyirrie to deal with individually as well as as a couple, in addition to looking after a newborn and your other DCs, and that probably requires more support than you are able to give each other on our own.

Thinking of you and your family very much today xx

Oh my dear, dear friend. My heart aches for you after reading through this thread. Words seem so empty, so very useless. My forget me nots are ready to bloom - do you remember last year? The first two that bloomed were pink! Especially for Eris.

I know that longing to see our babies - I used to panic that I couldnt remember what my boys looked like. Its an awful feeling.

The birthday cake is just the most beautiful idea. We released helium balloons on our boys 21st birthdays - couldnt think of what else to do.

So sorry to hear about your DP and yourself....I also know that feeling well. We have been married over 30 years but there was so many times when I wished he would go and never come back and Im sure he felt the same about me. It is so hard, too hard, too complicated.

I dont know the words that will help - Im not sure if there are any. Just wanted you to know I will be lighting my candle for Eris this week. I am thinking about you all and sending all my love. Take care darling. xxFrom me to you x

fmn

You are never far from my thoughts and prayers

How could I forget your lovely daughter who started such a special little corner of mumsnet for us bereaved mummies?

This is such a terrible time for you right now.. I cant find the right words to say. I know just thinking of Eris' b/day makes you want to hide under your duvet. But you will suprise yourself with the strength you find not just to get out of bed but to make the day nice for Eris and the rest of your lovely family

I think its lovely that you are marking Eris's b/day with takeaway and Cake

I dont have the words to make you feel better fmn I just wish I did. When we read about Kyirrie both dh and I had a cry.. we felt it was soo hard after losing Eris less than a year before

I know you have the others to think of but take whatever time you need to to remember and grieve for Eris

It never goes away fmn you just learn to live with it (well sometimes)

will light a candle for eris this week

much love at this awful time

Feedmenow, I often think about you and especially now. I'm so sorry that Kyirrie was unwell but hope you are feeling more settled now she is home.

Just wanted you to know I'm thniking of you. (goingfor3)

FMN, you may not feel like it at the moment, but you are such a strong woman.

You would think that I would be able to find the words to help soothe you, but everything I think of to say seems so inadequate.

I am not sure I have words of advice for you, but I can let you know how I have felt and what I have experienced. Maybe this will help you realise you are not alone, or wrong for feeling the way that you do?

Whilst the arrival of Mac has been a huge joy, and has in its own way helped heal dh and I a bit, I have also realised lately that looking after a new baby has meant I haven't had as much time as I would like to to grieve for Cole. This does upset me, but I also realise that that probably isn't going to change.

I also feel guilty if I am having a down day as I don't want Mac to grow up thinking he has a sad mummy. I'm still not sure how I am going to deal with it when he is older and more aware of his older brother.

I sincerely hope you and your dp can work things out. Grief turns your world upside down and tears your heart apart. No doubt you are both hurting but finding it difficult to grieve together. Whatever problems you are experiencing, talk, talk and talk.

If you feel you need to talk to somebody, contact your GP and or HV. They should be able to help.

I think of you and Eris often, and now your little fighter Kyirrie is in my thoughts a lot too. I will especially be thinking of you and Eris, and lighting a candle on Wednesday.

Much love and strength xxx

FMN, I think of you both often (was MissingMyHeels before) especially now as it is coming up to a year. I had a friend from my RL ante-natal lose her baby at a similar time to you and I often think of you both.

Particularly as halfway during my unsuccessful induction I had self discharged and had contemplated not going back/refusing further induction as they weren't going to give me anything stronger than prostin etc etc and had it not been for both of your experiences I would not have pushed the consultant to get my labour going by any means possible. As it goes, my dates were in a muddle from day one and my placenta was on it's last legs and they were very glad that things happened the way they did.

I always think of you and my friend when I think back to my daughters birth as unfortunately/stupidly it took hearing yours & my friends stories to kick me into realising how precious the little life I was growing was. So you and Eris are most definitely not forgotten in the Ewe household. I really hope you find a fitting tribute/way to remember this difficult time

FMN - regarding the gift for your family somebody suggested further down - don't know if you have room for something like this? but if you do that might be nice - somewhere for you to sit alone or with your children and relax, read, talk - do family stuff?

The other thing I've thought of is a tent or wigwam - habitat do a nice one which you could play in with the children outside or in - and it's big enough for you to crawl into if you want!

sending you loads of un-mumsnetty (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

What a difficult year...sorry for you! But I do believe that sometimes grieve on hld can still be "positive"....because you need to get through grieve in the natural way and there are no short cuts...but hopefully in the long run, having your 3rd dd to hold on too will help you through it, as will your otehr children and your family....sometimes it is not as hard to get through the grieve once refocussed...maybe that was the "higher" plan...

All my best to all of you!

FMN, you have been in my thoughts recently with the March birthdays approaching. Congratulations on the arrival of Kyirrie. I can only imagine how difficult it has been coping with your grief, a newborn and trying to maintain your relationship with DH. And it's no wonder your grief has been on hold to an extent. I hope that however you chose to mark Eris's birthday and anniversary that it will bring you comfort and peace. Please know that I will spare a quiet moment for you and Eris tomorrow.

FMN I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and your gorgeous girl .

I hope you manage to find a wee bit of peace tomorrow xx

Lighting my candle for Eris and all of you this morning in Lancashire. Take care sweetheart xxxx

Thinking of you and your family, FMN. I remember reading about Eris but I did not know that you had been blessed with your Kyirrie. I hope that her health continues to improve.

lit here in leedsxx

A candle is lit here for Eris this evening. You have been in my thoughts alot today. Take care. xxxx

Thinking of your darling Eris today, FMN

xx

Thinking of Eris

My thoughts to you and your family today FMN

Hi FMN I hope yesterday passed as peacefully as it could for you .

Hope you are ok this morning x as ok as you can be .

You were all constantly in my thoughts yesterday FMN. xxxx

Thank you everyone for posting, remembering and lighting candles.

I cried lots yesterday, but we had some lovely cards from friends, some flowers and text messages. We ate pizza and birthday cake, and we sent our wish lanterns off into the night sky to our little birthday girl.

On another note, I saw my gp on Tuesaday and have got anti depressants. I know they'll kick in soon and i hope to be able to look at my life in a more constructive way.

Northernlurker, we have a pergola in the garden that we got in Eris's memory - maybe we'll get something beautiful to go on it as our gift.

Shabs of course I remember the forget me nots! Yours were out in force in time for Eris's funeral but mine were not. So I'm chuffed that some managed to peek out here in time for her birthday.

Oh FMN pass me some of those anti-depressants please - Ive just sat here and cried just reading the words 'wish lanterns.' OMG that really touched my heart. What would we all wish for......silly question to ask really

I hope and pray that you and DP can find a way through this....its a dreadful, heart aching time. Take care my friend. xxx

A newbie so I didn't know your story - but still heartbroken for your loss and amazed by your bravery. Rest in Peace beautiful Eris. Life is indeed a long road for those left behind. Forget me nots by the 1000 in my grounds of my family home, they grow around the base of 200 year old Oaks. I will cherish them for Eris and all the others. x

FMN a pergola is a lovely idea . We got a wooden swing seat for the garden for Harry and I love sitting on it in the summer .

I am pleased to hear so many people remembered Eris and got in touch , it makes all the difference .

It sounds like you are taking back control and that has got to be a good thing .xx

Just if you wanted another momento of your daughter - I know someone who has this with special words. It's afamily focus, the children find it a very special place.

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