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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

So we found out today that my brother's cancer has returned

32 replies

MissM · 22/07/2008 20:04

He's 34. The doctors think that giving him a year is optimistic. I think that says it all really. I don't know what to do now.

OP posts:

lizandlulu · 22/07/2008 20:06

oh thats awful. doctors do get it wrong sometimes though. you are in my thoughts.

Original poster

MissM · 22/07/2008 20:21

He's already had a bone marrow transplant and it hasn't worked. What more can they do?

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cba · 22/07/2008 20:23

I am so sorry, my heart aches for you. Send you and your brother much strength and hope.

constancereader · 22/07/2008 20:24

I am so sorry. That is terrible.

pinkblossom · 22/07/2008 20:24

I am so sorry MissM. What type of cancer does he have?

2Eliza2 · 22/07/2008 20:29

I'm very sorry, MissM.

TheOldestCat · 22/07/2008 20:31

Very very sorry, MissM.

Original poster

MissM · 22/07/2008 20:32

He has non-Hodgkins lymphoma. It's a f**ker.Sorryk, have had 2 g&ts, strong ones. Am a little bit all over the place.

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medogsarebarking · 22/07/2008 20:32

Oh MissM, that's terrible. So sorry.

pinkblossom · 22/07/2008 20:38

I am sorry MissM. My brother had Hodgkins lymphoma a few years ago, been through stem cell transplant & bone marrow transplant and is now (touch wood) in remission.

My thoughts are with you.

Original poster

MissM · 22/07/2008 20:43

Three weeks ago the doctors were saying how impressed they were with how his transplant had taken. Now this. He's the bravest person I know. He had gone through all of that without any reward. I wouldn't wish this on the person I despise the most. Pinkblossom, I really hope your brother does well.

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pinkblossom · 22/07/2008 20:46

Thanks MissM. I was with my brother when he was going through all the treatment and it was horrific. I have never witnessed anything like it.

He sounds a very courageous young man MissM and I'm sure you are so proud of him for being so brave through all this sh*t. I truly am so sorry for you and your family.

Original poster

MissM · 22/07/2008 20:50

He is incredible. He has not once complained, not once moaned about how shit he feels. He has travelled the world, worked at the job he loves, laughed and joked with us, proposed to his partner. He is amazing. I don't want him to not be here.

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milfAKAmonkeymonkeymoomoo · 22/07/2008 20:53

I lost DH1 to Non-Hodgkins at the age of 34 (him not me), if you need to chat or want any advice or anything else then CAT me.

Cancer sucks

pinkblossom · 22/07/2008 20:53

He sounds amazing.

Where has the cancer returned? Have they given him any options at all?

Original poster

MissM · 22/07/2008 20:55

Thanks Monkeymoomoo, that's really nice of you. Cancer is in his spine. They have said that the only thing they can do now is to give him radiotherapy to ease the pain. We honestly don't know how much longer he has, and this last year he has been so incredible and lived more of a life than everyone else I know put together. Cancer does indeed suck

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milfAKAmonkeymonkeymoomoo · 22/07/2008 21:00

DH1 had radiotherapy towards the end, helped with pain control for sure although it is an exhausting treatment. He also had some more chemo (not CHOP but a diffrent one) but that disagreed with him. For what it is worth he was able to function reasonably normally until very close to the end so made the most of the time he had.

Original poster

MissM · 22/07/2008 21:10

Did he end up in hospital? My brother's time in hospital this year has been so awful. I can't bear for him to end up there. I want him to be at home and outside for as long as he can be. How long did your DH function normally for? It really helps to hear that

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Original poster

MissM · 22/07/2008 21:11

By the way monkeymoomoo, I am so so sorry to hear that this has happened to you.

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Califrau · 22/07/2008 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkblossom · 23/07/2008 09:17

How are you this morning MissM?

cyteen · 23/07/2008 09:30

MissM, I am so so sorry. I could have written your posts almost word for word. I lost my brother last year, aged 34, to mesenchymal chondrosarcoma that was primarily in his spine. He fought so hard and went through so much, and I am still so angry every day that none of it mattered and the cancer just ate him up regardless. He was my favourite person in the whole world. He had everything to live for - he proposed to his partner and they got married during a period of remission, their wedding day was the best day of my life, so full of joy. When we found out the cancer had come back following so much invasive and intensive treatment, it was unbearable.

To try and find something more positive to say, once Si knew he was dying he was determined to stay at home for as long as possible and his palliative care team were brilliant - even though he could no longer walk as the cancer had destroyed his spine, they sorted out a stairlift and other adaptations to his first floor flat so that he could be at home with his wife. He had a lot of friends and family keeping him company and also managed to get away a couple of times with his wife for weekends with friends. It was roughly 7 months from the terminal diagnosis to his death, and I can honestly say that he was only very sick for the last few weeks of that. Being at home helped him enormously and I really wish the same for your brother.

Mostly I just wish no one ever had to go through this. It is the worst, and I wish there was something I could do other than sympathise

MummyDoIt · 23/07/2008 09:37

MissM, I really feel for you and your brother. Getting that initial diagnosis is bad enough but at least you go into it with optimism that the treatment will work. When you learn that it's come back, that hits you harder than anything. Been there with my Dad who had cancer of the oesophagus. He had three years remission then it returned. He died last year. We're now going through it again with DH who has the same cancer (what are the odds of that?). He's had three different types of chemo and some radiotherapy and we're just waiting for a scan to see if the last lot of chemo has done any good.

It's a terrible disease and not just hard on the patient but incredibly hard on the family who have to sit by helplessly and watch them suffer. If talking helps, I'm always here and I know there are a lot of other wonderful MNetters who are very supportive.

Original poster

MissM · 23/07/2008 09:42

Wow, thank you everyone for your really incredible support. I am so sorry that others have gone through this - Cyteen, our experiences sound so similar and your brother sounds as amazing as mine. I will try to take hope from the positive aspects of what you all say about your loved ones. I am going to speak to my brother today, see him on Friday, and then DH is on his summer holiday so I'm going to spend as much time as I can with him either on my own or with DH and the kids. I lie awake at night and all I can see is my brother as he is now - it is so horribly horribly unfair.

Did anyone else find that you just learn to live with it, especially when they are living life so well, and you almost forget that it's there? And then something like this happens and it wallops you in the face and you have to accept that it's going to happen. Trouble is, I just can't right now.

OP posts:

WeeBesom · 23/07/2008 09:42

I am so sorry to hear this.

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