So we found out today that my brother's cancer has returned

[MissM]

He's 34. The doctors think that giving him a year is optimistic. I think that says it all really. I don't know what to do now.

Oh god yes, that's exactly how I felt - there had been so many ups and downs, and then there was a period following the initial rounds of surgery and chemo and radiotherapy when Si was off treatment. He proposed to his girlfriend, they planned their wedding, got married, had a perfect honeymoon, he even went back to work, and all of us allowed ourselves to forget a little bit about all the drama and fear...then it returned, stronger and worse than ever, and as you say it was just a massive slap in the face. Actually I felt like someone had hit me with a giant hammer and I was reeling around out of control, for months.

Spending time together is definitely the important thing now, IMO anyway. I also found that for ages I couldn't remember Si except as he was during his illness, but I do have times now when I think of him or remember him before it all happened, and that's good. Dealing with something like this is such an intense experience that it's bound to leave a deep impression on your mind.

Don't forget to be kind to yourself as well MissM, it's hard work

Strangely enough I did get used to it, infact when he died I missed the routine that the cancer brought with it. Richard did die in hospital in the end but that was his choice (and mine) as we had a fantastic bond with the staff there and trusted them. One of the nurses came to my wedding with DH2 and my DDs christening

He was only in hospital for 8 days before he died and prior to that although he had 'gone' downhill' a bit he was still able to do many of the things he wanted to.

When he's been in hospital in the past it's been so intense and full-on, like living in some kind of parallel world. Then after the transplant everything seemed to be going so well - he was on endless medication and exhausted but working and seeing us and apparently doing so well. Now it just feels like the next time he goes in to hospital that will be it. I feel sick just thinking about it. How long do we have? Weeks? Months?

Your stories are lovely if sad cyteen and monkey. Why does this have to happen to good people? My brother is human and has his faults obviously, but he is so talented, so intelligent, such great company and has so much more to give the world (and has given it so much already). It's such a cliche, but why him?

I think you often find that if they are not pushing for a cure then the hospital experience tends to be less intense (IMHO obviously people's experiences vary widely). Bone marrow transplants are hugely life encompassing, possibly some of the most intensive treatments you could experience I think.

Towards the end the staff were very hands off, we had a single room so that helped a lot. Couldn't have asked for much more to be honest. I didn't want him to die in our bed as I think having that memory, for me, would have finished me off

Yes, I'd agree with that. When Si finally did go into hospital he had a few dramatic days with burst ulcers causing massive blood loss and a short period in ICU, but when it became obvious that these were his final days he was moved to a single room and everything became a lot calmer. His care was much more about monitoring at that point, and making sure he had effective pain relief, and the staff were great for letting us all camp out around his bed. We had three days of watching him gradually slip away from us and it was mostly very serene - he was able to talk with us, he knew he wasn't alone, he knew he was loved, and that is so valuable to me still.

I hope all this talk of death isn't the wrong thing for you to read just now MissM. Obviously now is the time for valuing your brother's life and enjoying every moment you have together, I certainly don't want to make you feel like I'm just going on about the worst. Just that I would like it if there is anything useful in my experiences. I found the whole thing terrifying and when it was all happening I was posting on another message board where I got so much support from strangers, it really helped me and I'll never forget it.

'Speaking' to you helps hugely. I just feel like we're so alone in this as he's so young - you always associate cancer with old people before you have experience of it yourself I think. It kind of helps to know that other people have had the same experiences, although I wish they hadn't for their sakes.

I hope this doesn't sound morbid, or too personal, but did you talk about what was going to happen? Or did you just concentrate on the day to day? We're not the kind of family to not mention it and pretend it isn't there (he wouldn't let us do that anyway), but at the same time I can't bear to let my mind go to the inevitable.

Not morbid or too personal at all We didn't really talk about what was going to happen because Simon didn't want to - we were all led by him. He put it like this: if someone told him he had 6 months to live, he'd never be able to think about anything else but how he had 5 months and 30 days left, then 5 months and 29 days, then 5 months and 28 days, and he didn't want to spend whatever time he had left obsessing over how little there was. He wanted to spend it hanging out with his wife, family and friends. Plus, his cancer was so rare and unpredictable that no one was really able to give him any meaningful estimate anyway, as no one knew how it would behave.

I know he wanted to protect us - he always thought of others that way - and I know he was more scared than he liked to let on. But that wasn't what he wanted to show us, and that was his choice as far as we were concerned. We did talk about how he was feeling in a kind of day to day way, whether he was in pain, problems with his appetite, little frustrations, so it wasn't ignored - I agree that would have been odd - but there was never any projection about how things would go down and I think that was for the best.