Is it too soon to invite my son's friend away?

[Laptopbop]

My DS16 best friends father died last week after a year long illness, however the end was sudden.

I am planning a work trip in about 8 weeks and often tag on a family day or two beforehand and take one or two of my kids.

I did this earlier in the summer with my DD and her friend.

I would like to take DS friend on the next trip (he’d enjoy it) Hotel rooms are covered and I would cover the flight with air miles.

Is it too soon to ask the mother - would she be happy to have something her son could look forward to or would she consider this too much to make a decision on right now ?

Oh tricky. I suspect it will be too much for her to try and add on to her things to process. Have you taken him away before? If so, and you can make all the arrangements so she just has to wave him off, then it could work. If it requires any mental energy from her then no. Is the boy keen to come?

Speaking as someone who very recently lost my husband, I would say don't mention it to the mother first, ask your son to run it by his friend.

Then if he seems onboard, mention it to the mother but please do make it abundantly clear that if he feels unable to go at the last minute, that's absolutely fine and he shouldn't push himself.

My husband died 3 months ago and there are still some days where we don't know if we're coming or going.

Sounds like a lovely idea. I would run it by his mum first as if she doesn’t want him to go, it won’t have got his hopes up. I think he would enjoy it most likely and take his mind off the recent grief, for a while.

Honesty you will only know the answer to this by asking her. Everyone deals with grief differently. She may be happy that her DS has something to look forward to and away from home for a day or two. equally she may find it difficult to let him go. I know when I lost my DH I went away for a few days once the funeral was booked just to get a different environment and to give myself some breathing space. Others I know couldn’t understand how I could possibly have done that and left my home.

it’s a really thoughtful idea on your part and I suspect your DS friend would welcome something different and positive to look forward to but only his mum will know how she feels. The worst she can say is no she would prefer he stayed home but I’m sure she will see it for what it is a very kind gesture to her son at a really difficult time In their lives and be grateful for the thought. Nothing is worse at a time like this when people stay away or say nothing.

Thank you. It’s very hard to know if this is too much. The teenager would 100% want to go, he is keen on his friends being his ‘normal’ space.
I just wonder if it’s too soon for the mother but she is the type to allow her kids freedom etc

I may send the note and then say that if anything changes etc there is no issue.

I get what you're saying OP but please understand he's unlikely to know anything 100% right now, because this is what grief does.

So as long as you make it clear he's welcome to drop out at the very last minute (because no-one knows what mindset he'll be in), then it's all good.

No! This puts too much pressure on the mother. What if he would like to go but she doesn’t feel able to let him go that soon?

I’d definitely ask the mother first and she can make the call

Far far too soon to ask the mum

Yes, I think it is a lovely thing to offer.
Thats speaking from experience btw

Can you wait a few weeks and then ask the mum? If she only lost her husband last week, I think it's too soon to ask. The first few weeks after a bereavement like that are a blur and she's probably feeling all over the place right now.

The family have a lot of support but my instinct says teens just want to try and live as normally as they can in truly awful circumstances

Has the funeral happened yet if not can you wait till that is over, his mum might be in a clearer headspace, you don't want to overload her. Eta i think you should ask and take him.

It was last week, I would not ask yet. The world and time still ticking on, is a very hard part of bereavement when you just need everything to fucking STOP for a moment.

I'd say no, it's too soon.

Their house will be feeling very empty right about now. You don't mention if the family has any other kids, but if not then you're consigning the Mum to a very lonely week at a very difficult time.

You also might be making the Mum feel guilty. You ask her, she thinks it would be good for him, but could really do with him there at the moment. She's then got a difficult decision to make.

I'd give it a month, then offer if the opportunity is still there.

The going away with you might well not be too soon, but I think asking her about it now would be. Can you wait a few weeks before suggesting it?

I can wait a week or two certainly. That may be better. But with flights etc I will have to ask soon enough if it is going to be arranged

There are two younger DC and it’s a very busy house. They have plenty of support but it’s going to be tough for the mother.

It would be two days and nights

In that case, she may also want him around for logistical reasons, now that she's the only parent, and the younger kids may also need the support of their older brother.

I really would leave it for the time being.

Did you have this experience ?

I’m wary of putting the mother under pressure but mindful that @Weeellokthen mentioned that, coming from experience, she would have welcomed the offer.

I know that, for me, if it happened I would be very wary of doing all I could to ensure my eldest did not have to take on too many parental responsibilities, but every family is different.

It's nowhere near the same situation, but I was thinking back to when my Mum died a few years ago.

What I craved more than anything else in the few weeks that followed was normality. There's so much crap to deal with after a death, that you have to deal with despite feeling utter grief.

The small normal things, like DD coming home from school and telling me about her day, watching the same crappy TV with DP we always watched. That was the sort of thing that made everything feel a bit better.

Obviously, in yours sons friends case, it's different. I got to go home to my house, where all the people who were usually there were there, and life went on.

In your sons friends case, there is no normal in that house right now. Everything has been massively disrupted, because there's a great big absence there where Dad should be. They'll be flailing, trying to find their new normal for a while. I'd just be loathe to cause any further disruption to that.

Edit: Don't get me wrong, I think it's a lovely thing to want to offer, I just think the timing is wrong.

Thank you @VimesandhisCardboardBoots

@VimesandhisCardboardBootsi strongly disagree. Yes the mother will be struggling but if she is putting all of that pressure on the 16 year old then that is totally inappropriate and I hope that isn’t the case in OPs case!

@Laptopbopdoes the trip need to be confirmed now or can it be done in a couple of weeks? I think it’s too soon to ask the mam at the moment but I think the trip will do the child a world of good!

It's not really about putting pressure on her kid though, it's just about him being there. I mentioned in a previous post that one of the things that helped me when my Mum died was just the utter normalness of interactions with my daughter. Her coming home from school and telling me about her day etc. I wasn't leaning on her, she was 10, it's not like she could do anything to support me. But her just going about her day, just being there, made me feel better.

The younger children, however, may need support from their older brother. And he may need support from them. Thinking back to when my parents marriage imploded, me and my brother were very much there for each other. It wasn't pressure, it was mutual support as we both went through a shitty time.

But as a 16 year he needs something too, not just the mam, some normalcy of going away with his friend which could be a much needed break away to be a ‘normal’ 16 year old.
Him being away for 2 days is healthy for this, for his own independence and well being.
His dad has been poorly for a year and has now died.
Only OP knows the child and what he’s been through this past year, opportunities he might have missed due to family circumstances.