Grief feels overwhelming again two years later, is this normal? Poss TW dark thoughts

[backdowninthehole]

I had thought I was making progress. Had some days I felt normal-ish. Had some socialising where I had a pleasant time. Happy would be excessive but enjoyable moments.

My lord I was wrong. A few triggers here and there, aniversaries, reminders, a few stressful events, financial worries and I'm right back into the whats the point of living I have no future and don't want to be here.

For context I have no one left. No family. No children. No close friends. I feel so low and wouldn't care if I passed away right now. No one would notice. Ok some people might notice and feel a momentary sadness but no one would really care. That's my future and I'm tired of feeling like this.

I miss the people I loved and who love me who are all passed. It's over a year since the last one nearly two and I've got worse again.

I don't want to see anyone and I read today that being lonely and isolated can make you eccentric which will obviously help make a bad situation even worse but I hate being around anyone at all and especially when I feel so low. I want to burrow underground and hibernate to death.

Is this how it is forever because I don't want it.

No, it’s not like the so forever. You said yourself - there are days you felt normal-ish, and capable of experiencing relief from the loneliness and the sadness. Like a little warmth from the sun as the clouds part for a moment. Please don’t give up on chasing those little moments of contentment. Have hope that one day, you will feel the sun on your face again and you’ll be able to turn your face to it.

I’m so sorry you have experienced so much loss. Today is a “big birthday” for me and I cried for an hour because I miss my mum and dad so much. I am fortunate to have other people in my life who love me, but I would have loved to hear my mum’s voice today. It has been over 15 years since my dad passed - I have a few grey hairs now, and so much I’d love to be able to tell him. Instead, I tell myself that my pain bears witness to the love we shared.

If you feel that things are pointless now, then that gives you enormous freedom to find a new purpose. In the meantime I encourage you to take up the practice of Random Acts of Kindness. It’s a lovely way to reconnect with people. Who knows where it may lead?

I feel your pain. All my first degree family are gone now and like you I have no children.It's hard.
2 years is really not very long. Its natural for you to have bad days.
Have you considered bereavement counselling? Having someone to talk to would help.
I know from personal experience that spending to much time on your own makes things worse.
I know it can be easier said than done, but is it possible for you to socialise more, take up a hobby or do some volunteering. It would help you to make new friends.
However, I'm willing to bet that you matter to more people than you think.
It might also help to speak to your GP or your local Priest/Vicar about how you are feeling.
Wishing you all the very best OP.❤️

Evening, OP. We're so sorry to hear life feels a bit grim at the moment, and for your very difficult losses. A huge well done for reaching out here though. We're sure you will find lots of people in the same boat or with useful advice from the benefit of experience.

Just in case it's helpful, there are a few numbers and websites that may be useful on our Mental Health Webguide, which we'll paste here. Sending you lots of good wishes and hopes for easier times ahead. You're certainly not alone in feeling this way. https://www.mumsnet.com/i/mental-health-webguide

I want to send you lots of love OP. This is sad to read. I think I have read that the two-year mark can be difficult. Someone will love you again I am sure.
In the meantime, can you set yourself a goal to do one thing for yourself every day?
My mil has found U3A a lifesaver. She has met a group of walking friends, played cards and then learned mahjong, which she loves. Or perhaps volunteering could be a nice way to regain some purpose and meet people?

@HelpfulHelena Today is a “big birthday” for me and I cried for an hour because I miss my mum and dad so much.
I'm so sorry -happy birthday to you.

That's the core of my grief is my mum and dad too. Sometimes I feel like I should live for them but then I think they wouldn't want me to live like this so unhappy. I cared for one intensely and for a long period as they were dying so I sort of feel like that was my life purpose and usefulness was to make them happy and now I'm done so it wouldn't matter anymore.

@Fernticket I am having counselling but there is only so far it can take you. It helps to have someone to talk to but it won't go on forever and in the end it is just me alone with myself. I hate myself for feeling like this and I hate feeling so low.

It is best expressed by saying what is the point. What is the point of me. My life. this pain. we all end up dead. I look at little babies and think whats the point. your parents will be dead soon. you will be dead soon. why bother.

I felt like this before in grief but came out of it so it's a bit of a shock to be shoved back in the hole again.

I know you are right about isolation but it feels safer to hide away. I wouldn't want anyone I know to know how bad and dark my thoughts are. They'd think I was crazy and need to be sectioned but it's grief not insanity.

@backdownintheholeare there any little glimmers of joy? The sound of rain on your window? A neighbour’s cat greeting you? A houseplant that is thriving? A cup of tea with a slice of delicious cake? A few kind words from a stranger?

@OpheliaNightingale not one. it didn't rain today which I suppose was something. I have mobility and am not in pain also something. I have a roof over my head. Thanks for the thought.

Nothing in my life is thriving sadly. I am just existing for no reason. Unloved and worse no one to give love to. I cannot get a pet as I have thought that could be a love outlet but not possible for me.

I hate this blackness and sense of overwhelming despair. Life used to be happy. That makes it so much worse. Thinking of how bright and happy it all used to be with the love and life around me of people who loved me and I loved too.

I'm old enough to have lost both parents and three partners. In my experience what you're describing is completely normal. Coming out of it is also completely normal, it's something you've done before and you can and will do again. You may go through this cycle more than once. Every time you do will strengthen your belief that it's not forever. But right now you may be in the worst possible place, you feel like you're back to square one. But you're not. You have the experience of getting out of there to draw on. You got out before without that so you are better equipped now. Hang on in there.

Evening.
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Mental Health page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

Hey OP, sending you a hug. I understand your feeling, I think. Since my wife died I have felt very much that life isn't worth living. That the things that used to give me pleasure seem pointless if I can't share them with her. Friendships which were fun for both of us now seem boring. I bore myself, let alone other people. It feels as if I'm living life in black and white

But what keeps me going is the fact that life changes. Things will be different in a year, two years and there is the possibility of joy at some unspecified point in the future. And remember that recovery from grief is not linear. You'll feel better one day and worse the next. 2 years is really no time.

So please hang on in there, give time a chance to work its magic on you.

@Emptyandsad I don't think there is magic to come for me. I'm sorry that you are suffering loss too. Your user name is spot on for me.

I know grief is not linear but this has been a big dip down into a huge hole in reverse for me.

The best I could hope for is a dull existence without pain. It's all just so pointless. I don't understand why anyone cares about anything. One day you'll be dead and anyone who really loves you will be distraught. Everyone you love will be dead at some point. Other than maximising your own fun and pleasure, there is no point. Most people's lives will have been utterly utterly pointless. Maybe that's the point of loving anyone because it kind of hides that from you because you focus on the people you love. It's a distraction. The same is true for losing any one you love deeply. Once they are gone then you realise it is all pointless.

I can't believe how badly I feel again after thinking I was progressing. This is a big dip down and I don't seem to be moving up or out of it at all.

It's weird. I was living quite happily on my own, a fulfilling life, hobbies, friends, a job. And then I fell in love and married and was just completely joyful in a way I hadn't even believed was a possibility. And then, when she died, everything suddenly seemed pointless, where, when she was alive to share it with me, everything had been so real and colourful.

I haven't nearly got back to the stage I was at before I fell in love. Mostly life is a struggle. But I still do believe in the possibility of happiness, even though I don’t have it and can see no realistic prospect of it. It remains a thing that came out of the blue to me before and so may again.

Hope I bloody spot it if it pokes its head over the horizon

I wish you the very best, OP. Your username also seems like it would fit me pretty well