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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Identical twin headstone wording

32 replies

charleymouse · 08/03/2008 14:15

I have searched for help on this but think it is an unusual circumstance. DT1 died after only nine hours of life, after thinking througout my pregnancy they were non-identical it turned out they were in fact identical. I have just about got the strength now to arrange a headstone for his grave but am struggling a bit.

He is in adult sized plot so DH and I can join him eventually. Therefore we need to allow room for two further inscriptions. The stone is likely to be york stone as all the graves nearby are this material and we are planning on a flower/vase bit (not sure of correct term) to one side. The shape I have provisionally chosen is rectangular with a roof line/sloping top.

I have decided not to put grandparents names on but should I put grandson/great grandson on? Also funeral director thought I shouldn't mention his twinness although think this was more due to him not coming across it before. It is usual to put siblings in order of age.

I do not want to upset DD who is PFB or DT2 jut not sure what to do for the best. Any advice thoughts gratefully received.

I saw the funeral directors last week and so far I have got:

Benjamin Peter Surname
Precious son of Dads name & Mums name
Brother to Annabel & George
Died 3 April 2007
Aged nine hours

Thanks for reading and if you are viewing this topic due to a loss of your own so sorry for your loss and be reassured it will get easier.

OP posts:

Mung · 08/03/2008 14:20

Sorry for your loss charleymouse.
I have no experience of this, but what you suggest seems appropriate.
I hope someone with more advice comes along soon.

onepieceoflollipop · 08/03/2008 14:20

charleymouse so sorry for your loss.

I have no advice for you but am just bumping this for you in the hope that someone else will read it and be able to help.

rachaelsara · 08/03/2008 14:21

Bump

princessmel · 08/03/2008 14:21

I think what you have put is lovely.
It has all the important points.
Sorry for your loss

AlienEars · 08/03/2008 14:23

Sorry for your loss Charleymouse. If you wanted to mention his twinness, how about:

Precious son of Dad/Mum, sister of Annabel and twin brother of George.

LaDiDaDi · 08/03/2008 14:25

I think that what you have chosen sounds lovely. I don't think that there is anything wrong with mentioning his twinness but I just can't think of a good way to phrase it.

? Beloved brother to Annabel and twin to George?

Sorry for the loss of your son .

Aitch · 08/03/2008 14:29

i think that being a twin is such a special thing that i would mention it. your other wee boy may find it comforting in the future. i'm so sorry that you lost your son, it's a terrible terrible shame.
i wonder if i'd say 'identical twin to George and brother to Annabel', because even although it's not in order of age it gives George his place as the bereaved twin and Annabel is clearly the elder or it wouldn't be possible to mention her, iykwim?
of course, though, you should do whatever you are comfortable with, whether that means following the funeral director's advice or not. it's a dreadful loss for all of you, my sincere sympathies.

alfiesbabe · 08/03/2008 15:43

I think what you have is lovely.

Peachy · 08/03/2008 15:48

What you have is lovely, i think twi to george would fit in nicely if you wanted it- can't see any reason whatsoever why you shouldn't include it and it might be helpful to George in the future

So sorry for your sad loss X

ladytophamhatt · 08/03/2008 15:51

I think what you have already is lovely but I would also wnat the twiness mentioned.
I think it would be comforting to you, and your family, especially little george.

xxx

cameroonmama · 08/03/2008 16:15

Charley, personally I think you should mention that Ben was George's identical twin, the fact that they were twins has always been so important to you and to dd, and I'm sure it will be for George when he is old enough to understand. However whatever wording you choose it will be for the right reasons.

Thinking of you.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 08/03/2008 16:17

I am so sorry for your loss.

I think what you have put but I would put brother to A and twin to G. (My youngest should have had a twin so I am a bit emotional about twin stuff tbh.)

Eeek · 08/03/2008 16:24

I think its lovely but I would agree that you should mention "twin to". Its part of what makes the loss so special for all of you. I lost a twin late on during pregnancy (32 weeks) so we faced a similar dilemma. Everything I've read says that it is very important for the surviving twin to have this as part of their landscape. it should be something always known. My ds1 knows his twin died, is sad in a vague kind of way but copes remarkably well with it. He is now 5. We visit the grave occasionally but we made a special effort not to go every week as we felt that would be impossible to stop and would eventually get in the way of the lives of the living. YOu are very welcome to CAT me if you want to. These circumstances are unusual but there are a few of us around. Yuo may be aware but in case not - the Multiple Birth Foundation offer support for those affected by the death of a twin. I found it absolutely wonderful and would not have coped without. The PND rates for people in this situation are high so please look after yourself. All love to you and your family and I'm sorry for your loss

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 08/03/2008 16:26

I lost my twin very early but my son was still affected by his loss. I think you should celebrate it in as much as having twin on the head stone as I said before.

yurt1 · 08/03/2008 16:27

I would mention the twin too. I remember a teacher telling us she had been a twin but her brother died at birth and she always felt some sort of loss/connection. They were together for 9 months (or however long- if they were peemie, but a not insignificant time).

I like LadidDa's wording.

shabster · 08/03/2008 16:32

cmouse - Im another mum who lost a twin - a little boy who died aged 7 months from several congenital heart problems. His brother is now 26.

We have a headstone which is really lovley - we have twin brother on it. Twins are so unique and I think it should be celebrated (if that is the right word).

Kisses to George - we have times when our son struggles with the loss of his twin.

Have you ever been in touch with Compassionate Friends - they are a self help group run by bereaved parents for bereaved parents. They helped me enormously.

So sorry for your loss 'no death so sad as that of our child.....'

Hulababy · 08/03/2008 16:36

So sorry you are having to go through all this in the first place

Your wording sounds lovely.

I do think the status of twin is important especially to you as a family, and I don't think the inclusion of it takes anything away from your DD's status as loving sister either.

The wording is difficult though, so as to give both siblings an equal right to their brother if that makes sense.

Could it be something along the lines of

loved by big sister Annabel and twin brother George

or similar?

yurt1 · 08/03/2008 16:40

oh I like hula's wording.

Original poster

charleymouse · 08/03/2008 18:14

Oh gosh thank-you for so many lovely replies. I want to include his twinness somehow but was not sure how to do it. Funeral director seemed to think it would be usurping big sister, just think he was not really sure how to do it.

Now I will try to reread without getting too emotional and take on board your suggestions. Thank-you.

OP posts:

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 08/03/2008 18:15

Your DD will always be his big sister and she should be mentioned first but he was his twin and that should be recognised. I would also mention that he was a grand child too.

Aitch · 08/03/2008 18:41

hula's wording is lovely imo.

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 08/03/2008 18:44

I really think that any wording that mentions twins should be considered.

But possibly something along the lines of

Beloved brother to Annabel and twin to George.
Deeply missed by his grandparents and great-grandparents.

ladette · 08/03/2008 18:53

I'm so sorry you're even having to think about this xxx
I like ladida's suggestion, which makes it clear that Benjamin was George's twin and "beloved" is something special attached to Annabel so she won't feel left out. I would put Annabel first, as she is the eldest child. But you will make the right decision for you and your family.
I'd also consider talking through the wording on the headstone when you visit as so that the children will grow up understanding why you chose whatever wording you decide on.

ladytophamhatt · 08/03/2008 20:28

blimey, hulas words just brought tears to my eyes.....

Lomond · 09/03/2008 14:08

I am so sorry for your sad loss. I think it would be lovely to mention the fact that he was a twin and what Hula suggested is lovely.

I cannot imagine how hard this must have been for you xxx

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