Should I take the children to say goodbye?

[Bartlebum]

Their grandma has been moved from end of life care to a hospice. We didn't take them to the hospital. It's a much nicer setting. They want to say goodbye. She wants to see them. She's so unwell, liver failure (from an autoimmune condition), so yellow skin and purple bruises everywhere. Sometimes she has been on good form and others she's on morphine and makes no sense.

My children are 6 and 8 and they love her. But my 6 year old is very sensitive and suffering from recent anxiety (possibly due to her Grandma's situation). I don't know if it will help or hinder.

Any advice or experience? I'd be glad to hear.

They want to say goodbye and she wants to see them. It’s okay for them to be sad about it and just be matter of fact about her skin and explain grandmas body is stopping working so well now… just be honest to a level that is appropriate to their ages.

Yes I think it's a good idea but my husband thinks it will make their anxiety and worries even worse.

We have similar age children and my initial view would be they're a little bit small to go.

However, and it's a big however... I'm not in that situation and may feel very differently if the time came soon. Especially if my parent really wanted to see them. Difficult.

So sorry you're going through this.

I'm sure your decision will be the right one for your family.

Thank you for your thoughts and understanding. She is 67. It's come suddenly and it feels too soon..they last saw her in August and she was up and about like a normal 67 year old. It's gone downhill so fast and I am worried it will scare them.

I was 8 when my Grandpa died. His liver failed and he was yellow (apparently).

I was excluded from the whole dying process, lied to by adults about how ill he was. So when he died (which all the adults knew he would) it was a massive and traumatic shock to me. I was led to believe I would see him again and I didn't (I am crying writing this) If they want to say goodbye please let them.

Have you spoken to the nurses at the hospice, they can be really helpful when it comes to things like this. It's an awful place to be but I think I would be guided by my children in this situation. Winston's Wish is another place you could turn to for advice

It's very difficult but I wouldn't take them. I've seen relatives at this end stage and it's shocked and upset me a lot as an adult. I think it would be too upsetting for children. I didn't take my dc to see a relative they were very close to. It is a very hard decision as I was very conscious of the fact it was their last opportunity to ever see them. Sorry you're going through this

I was older (probably 10) when my Grandad died. He was at home, and Dad and I went to see him - he looked dreadful, he was so ill. I cried all the way home, and just wanted him to die so he wouldn't hurt anymore. Over 60 years later, I can still see him lying in bed. And that's my outstanding memory of him. I wouldn't take them

I saw my godmother not long before she died of breast cancer when I was seven. I remember her being incredibly pale, and looking old even though she was only in her 40s. It wasn't traumatic though.

I think it's better that they see her, even though they might be upset - pragmatically it might be a helpful stepping stone towards the grief when she dies, but emotionally I think they'll remember and be grateful forever. Just prepare them.

Could you perhaps show them photos of her before they go to see her so they have a bit of time to prepare for how she will look? If they want to see her and she wants to see them then I think you should try to make it happen x

All 4 of my grandparents and my Aunty died in our local hospice when I was between the ages of 4 and 10, I went to see them all in the last couple of days (they were in varying states of 'wellness') and never found it traumatic or overly upsetting but obviously you know your children best.

My children are the same age and we are sadly approaching the stage where you are with my parents in law. I would love my DC to see their grandparent, but the grandparent is unsure about being seen in a vulnerable position. I’m so sorry to hear your DM/DMil has gone downhill so quickly. I really think if she is asking for them, you should take them. I think it is awful (and clearly traumatic, from PP post) if a grandparent just disappears from a child’s life- much better that the DC understand what is going on, and I think most 6 year olds can cope. Illness and death is sadly a reality of life; it’s right that we protect our DC from the worst of it, but I think it’s worse to have unanswered questions and not to be able to grasp where your grandparent has gone…

Could you face time the children with her so they can talk and you can see your children’s reactions on the screen.

I didn’t visit my gran before she died last year as mum said she was skeletal and her skin was all mottled. I just felt I wanted to remember her for who she was and not what was happening to her.

I have no regret.

In general I believe hiding things and the unknown is more likely to trigger anxiety than a difficult truth. But in this situation it does need to be handled carefully, lots of discussion beforehand. Explain what the liver does and why she looks yellow and bruised. That granny is sick but she's still granny. Photos are a really good idea.

I think it depends on their relationship, if they are close then I think it's important in developing their understanding. Worth chatting to hospice staff. They will deal with it often and can help guide you on approaching it in an age appropriate way. Death is sadly a part of life and they will be learning from you how to manage grief. Big hugs!

Winstons wish is a good, child focussed, website and organisation about bereavement. I got great advice there on how to put things for dd when her DGGPs and then DGF were dying, all of whom she knew well.

And I agree about talking to hospice nurses as they are very used to it. (DGGPs were in hospital but DGF was in hospice and so much more family focused, even organised a trick or treating visit for all the DGCs aged 9 down to 4 on halloween, which was very special, before he passed away 5 days later).

I never got a chance to see my grandad before he passed away and the funeral was so awful and traumatising. I was 7 at the time. You definitely know your kids best but for me, it was horrible not seeing him. I really regret not pushing my mum on this decision more.

I think it's important to talk about things with them. Kids understand so much more than we give them credit for.

Thanks so much for sharing your honest experiences and thoughts in such a respectful way. It is clear that there are really two lines of thought and I guess it all depends on the child. It's so complicated and we don't have the luxury of time... I will look up Winston's Wish, consider a face time / showing photos, and perhaps speak to the Hospice nurses. I didn't think to mention it in the OP, but the hospice is two hours away, so it's not as easy to swing by on the way from school and then decide how she is when we arrive. I think that's making it more difficult.

We have been honest with them throughout this process and they understand she is going to die soon, so at least it won't be a total shock.

What a sad situation for you all.

I second @Justyouwaitandseeagain and suggest photos first, and then a video message from her. And messages sent back to her. You can then judge better whether to facetious or even vist. But you will have ensured that they can say they love each other so the desire to say 'goodbye' is met.

I think it's important that we start normalising death in our culture. Death is sadly inevitable for us all but understanding the process, what death means and how we are likely to feel when we lose a loved one are all important conversations which help us to understand
that death is part of life and incredibly sad, but nothing to be scared of.

@TwigTheWonderKid thanks, I agree that it's definitely not a comfortable situation in our culture..

Take them. I didn't take my 7 year old in a similar situation with v close family and she never truly got over not saying goodbye. Let them make a little card or give her a little soft toy, I think these little things can really help the process. Take care 💐

Personally, I wouldn't let them go.
My son's father passed away last year when our son was 8.
The nurses in the hospice told us that it 'wasn't appropriate' for our son to see his dad in the last few days (he had cancer, was under sedation) and that my son's feelings should be protected as he is the one that will survive this and have to carry the burden.
My son is glad he didn't see his dad in such a state and that he just remembers the happy times of what he looked like before he was really poorly.
It's a really dofficult decision to make but ultimately they are still only little and the decision lies with you.
My son now has lots of questions and is naturally curious but I answer them all as honestly as I can

That's really sad that was your son's experience and it's very difficult with younger children.

I have a stage 4 diagnosis and I would be sad if my teenage sons were discouraged from visiting me to to say goodbye if they wanted to but I guess it is something I may have to accept.

But a funeral is a very different thing and I firmly believe the more life we bring into death, the more normal and therefore easier (not really the right word,) it will be to face for all of us.

I'm so sorry @TwigTheWonderKid

I hope there is still treatment and hope left for you.