Why don't we talk about death/funerals/wishes etc?

[Fuuuuuckit]

My mum has just died, suddenly but has had other health issues for some time.

Apart from one hymn and the fact she wanted to be an organ donor (which she couldn't, in the end) she never talked about this stuff. Whether she wanted to be buried or cremated. What sort of coffin. Flowers. Where she wanted to be buried/scattered.

She refused to get round to making a will, despite deteriorating health and age creeping up on her, as it was 'too final'. Didn't want to think about POA even knowing how much she struggled to deal with her own parents' finances towards the end of their lives.

I have a will, which now needs updating. I've been through all my paperwork and listed every company/utility/bank/savings account. I'm going to write a letter with my funeral wishes etc so my own kids don't have to wade through all the same.

We teach kids about all sorts. In school and at home. I've no need for GCSE chemistry but I've learned more in the last 2 weeks about the only certainty in life than I've ever even considered I'd need to know.

I think many of us do.

Often, people do start to do so more, after they have had to sort things out for one of their own parents.

I do agree that more people should, than do though.

Sorry for your loss.

My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, with no hope of a cure, only of buying a little time (just over a year, it turned out).

He didn't want to discuss his funeral at all. He wanted to live every single day that his wonderful medical team fought for him to have, and he wanted each of those days to be as normal and happy as possible. He made a will, but that was as far as acknowledging or planning for his death went.

It would have made things easier for us if he'd expressed opinions or wants regarding his funeral, but I'm very glad that he did what he did. It was positive for him, and it was unselfish for us. He wanted family life to be as normal as his treatment allowed, and discussing his death and his funeral would have threatened that.

I hope that helps to explain some people's approach.

I do understand it in those circumstances, Saraclara, but I think 'we' (as in society) could, as the OP suggests, discuss things like this more, when we are not expecting to die any time soon.

So, my family know I would be very cross if they had a fancy funeral with horses and carriages and enormous flower displays and great lines of limos.... and that I would be furious if they released balloons....and that I don't want them spending £££ on fancy oak coffins.... but equally that I think a cup of tea and some cake afterwards is a really important part of it.....and "I really like that hymn" (or not)..... and so many other things that have been discussed after either attending a funeral, or occasionally when they have shown a clip of something on the news or maybe in a film or TV drama.

When we had to arrange my parents' funerals, we already knew their general thoughts and wishes about those things (not to the letter in choosing music , but the gist of what they wanted) and my dc know what would be right for me.

I havent done yet, but hoping to sort my end of days stuff out soon. I am going to do what my late Mum did, she died 15 years ago at the age of 86.. More than two years before her death, when she was quite fit and well, she went to the undertakers, and paid for her funeral and all that entailed. She originally said she wanted a burial,, but then changed it to a cremation, because she said, that Myself and my now late sister, both lived miles away from her, and nobody would we bothered to go and visit a grave and lay any flowers on it. I am glad that she did this, as personally hate burials.

Mum also started to off load a lot of stuff from her home, so there would not be so much for me to sort out when the time came..

Mum and me could always have a laugh about the sombre nature of funerals, as in she said I don't think I will need to pay for a car, for people,behind the hearse, as you all have your own cars,, so I said,better still, I can put you in the back of my then partners Range Rover, to save money on a hearse, we laughed for ages about this,

Anyhow she had organised pretty much everything to do with her funeral, she didn't really have much money, to be making a will.

But all this was 2years before she died. She gave me the receipt from the undetakers, for her payment made, Then she often phoned me over the next two years, asking about the receipt, and hoping that I hadnt lost it,. saying, if you have lost it, you will have to pay again for the funeral.. ha ha

I have to say I agree. Even though it didn't apply on our case.

Mum died unexpectedly in December at 66. For years we have all known her wishes, which songs, cremation etc. The funeral director was quite shocked. All my aunts have told their children or wrote them down.

We know my dad's wishes are a cremation and to be with mum. It really did make it easier. I found organising the funeral and the funeral comforting, because I felt like it was the last thing we would do for her. But there was little pressure because we just followed what she wanted.

We have used the same funeral director for 3 generations now. Mum was going to pay for her funeral upfront, but didn't get round to it. However, they were fairly comfortable so dad paid it. He then paid his own upfront too.

I have done the same. Wrote a letter and it's with all my paperwork. Dp is aware and is my dd who is an adult.

In our family, death and funerals are talked about really openly. Mum's was Irish and she said it was her experience that Irish families were far more open about talking about these things, than English families. I have no idea of that's why we are open about it but I am glad we are.

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Oh and yes, oddly, Anita 2 years ago mum started getting rid of lots of things so there was less for me and my brother to sort through when the time comes.

Dad is continuing this now. Giving him something to do.

Who's 'we'?

Only last weekend my mum let me try on her rings and told ne which ones I'm getting and which are going to my brothers (to sell or keep not for them to wear obviously)

Plus she knows exactly where she's being buried, near her mum and sister in the family plot.

My mums told me she wants a none funeral burial so I’ll respect that. No idea on my dad as we don’t talk much . When it’s my time I don’t mind what happens they can send me to space for all I care.

My Nan also prepared for her own bless her. She knew almost as to when it was going to happen and cancelled all direct debits, closed her accounts and took money out, cancelled their tv package and I think even organised her own funeral. She passed a week later in hospital. She said we’d done the massive send off funeral for my grandad and he would have hated it so she wasn’t having the same no chance.

My experience is (and this thread shows) that most people do. We have always done this in a healthy, lighthearted way, like a PP we talk about who gets the pretty jewellery, or when we hear a song we say we want it for our funeral. Surely most people do this?

Some people only have a couple of requests and leave others to make up their own minds about the rest.

To me my funeral isn’t important, I won’t be there so if my D.C. want they can have a direct cremation or plan a funeral at a crematorium- it’s up to them, I’ll be gone.

I’ve made a will though and that’ll make life for them simpler

I think it's healthy to talk about openly to DC's about such matters.
I don't want a service and they have accepted it. I don't want any sadness just joy whilst knowing I'm at peace and will always be with them in the spiritual world. We adore each other and they understand why I wouldn't want morbidity.
A bit of a party with no body just great memories of my love for them 🙂

I once asked my dad what he wanted. His answer: surprise me.

Mum has her funeral planned. Its on a piece of paper in her jewellery box and has been since I was 12. Im now 40.

Plenty of people do talk about it. I've written down everything I want at my funeral, as well as my will, advanced health directive and power of attorney. My kids have copies of everything and we've talked about it . I'm not sure that this needs to be taught in schools, it's just part of normal life .

My DH and I have discussed very simple funerals and cremation. We have an updated will. My AC know all this, my only stipulation has been that they can do what they please with my ashes as long as my son's are with them.
They know where my copy of the Will is and which solicitor to contact. One DD has My passwords to important things. Although I did tell her if she loses them she could continue to press my finger on the phone till they put me in the box.
My FIL died last year in his 90s and I was quite surprised that at no point in their nearly 70 years together had he and MIL discussed end of life care, let alone funerals etc.
Especially as FIL was an incredibly organised and sensible person.
It was actually then rather difficult as MIL was completely at a loss whilst in the midst of her grief and I think it would have been easier if she hadn't had to make so many decisions.
I definitely didn't want to push her into any choices so I had to hold a lot of people at bay while she floundered.
I wish they'd had a conversation so she could have just followed his wishes.

I find there are two camps: the over planners and those who don’t want to think about it. My family have got all wishes written out, my Dad’s is
10 sides of A4 (this is separate from his will). My FIL, who had a terminal illness so you’d have thought he would have considered it, made no requests at all. Somewhere in the middle is probably apt, grief is hard enough without making choices for a funeral.

I think a lot of people do discuss it and plan and therefore it is talked about openly.

But I find others seem to think making a will or discussing their wishes will somehow bring on an early death and they don't want to tempt fate.

Oh I don’t know, I’m lying awake here at stupid ‘o’ clock, thinking about the plans for my DH’s funeral.
He died so suddenly just over 10 days ago, and his funeral will be for us, meaning me and our children.
So we will plan something that helps us celebrate and remember him, as it’s an event to support us, and not really about ‘what he would have wanted’
‘ What he would have wanted’ was to still be here, taking care of us and protecting us from the pain of dry eyed grief.

I think we don’t think about death enough. It’s a big scary thing that we know will happen but we don’t like to think about, rather than processing and accepting that it is part of the circle of life. It’s something I’ve done a lot more thinking about since I was diagnosed with cancer (though admittedly haven’t done anything practical about it, I already have a will but if my prognosis looks terminal I plan to make some tweaks).
I met a lovely lady whilst in a cancer ward the other day who was planning her funeral. She said no one wanted to discuss it with her- the reason being it brought out their grief on what was happening - she was very accepting of it but those around her couldn’t really cope with talking about it.

And @Monty27 don’t spout bollocks about not wanting sadness just joy.
If they actually love you, sadness is the price they have to pay so don’t lay that guilt trip at their door.

Oh @Wotagain I’m so sorry. Sudden deaths are so hard for the loved ones they leave behind.
Do you want to talk about him?

@Wotagain and @Fuuuuuckit I’m so sorry for your losses

When we organised my parents’ funerals, it really helped me to have in mind that funerals are for the living, not the dead. We followed the wishes that they had set out, but also chose things that were meaningful to DSis and me and the DGCs. Funerals are there to help you grieve and to celebrate the person’s life in a way that helps with that.

@Dammitthisisshit that’s a very kind offer, but thankfully friends and family have been amazing, and we have done nothing much else apart from talk about him.
It turns out other people knew just how funny, kind and clever he was too.

My parents haven't spoken to DB and I about much really. They are in their 70s now. DF has a long list of health problems, but is hanging on. DM is fine, though. We are aware of their arrangements for the house and DM wants a non-religious funeral but other than that, nothing.

I tell my DD what I want all the time. She doesn't like talking about it (I'm in my 40s, she's 15) but she's very young so it's probably not even something she wants to consider. I haven't made a will or arranged my funeral but I will at some point.

My dad, 89, good health, wants a big funeral but talking about it recently we've had to accept that most of the people he knows have gone ahead of him, and can only be there in spirit! I am 64 and in poor health. My funeral wish is no funeral at all, just disposal. But I've told dd she can do as she likes, if it seems like a good excuse to hold a full mass with multiple choirs, go for it. I've done Swedish Death Cleaning for my dad and for me - mine's not finished but is on the way to it.