Why don't we talk about death/funerals/wishes etc?

[Fuuuuuckit]

My mum has just died, suddenly but has had other health issues for some time.

Apart from one hymn and the fact she wanted to be an organ donor (which she couldn't, in the end) she never talked about this stuff. Whether she wanted to be buried or cremated. What sort of coffin. Flowers. Where she wanted to be buried/scattered.

She refused to get round to making a will, despite deteriorating health and age creeping up on her, as it was 'too final'. Didn't want to think about POA even knowing how much she struggled to deal with her own parents' finances towards the end of their lives.

I have a will, which now needs updating. I've been through all my paperwork and listed every company/utility/bank/savings account. I'm going to write a letter with my funeral wishes etc so my own kids don't have to wade through all the same.

We teach kids about all sorts. In school and at home. I've no need for GCSE chemistry but I've learned more in the last 2 weeks about the only certainty in life than I've ever even considered I'd need to know.

My mum had cancer for 6 years before she died. Some of her last words to me before they intubated her were telling me what songs she wanted at her funeral.
She was actually very good friends with the vicar at her church and had apparently planned a full funeral with her (I don't know at what point in her illness) so the vicar had a lot of her wishes already, unbeknown to the rest of us.

I think with the increase in media advertising for things such as direct cremations it's becoming a subject that is talked about more in families, but some people still see it as a taboo subject because they don't want to face up to the reality.

I'm a funeral arranger and it's sad to see people who are not only struggling with their emotions but also having to think of what their loved one would have wanted in terms of a funeral.

The other thing we should do more of is include our teenage/young adult children when making funeral arrangements. I get so many people come in saying they don't have a clue what to do as they've never had to arrange a funeral before. If you feel your children are emotionally mature enough, take them with you to the funeral directors, so that they can see it's not a scary place and they get an understanding of what's involved. It's a good way to open up conversations about death and make it more normal.

I’ve told my lot I want everyone in black and sobbing all the way through, none of this bright coloured celebration of life thing, and a proper funeral tea with sandwiches and cut up pork pies and tea and hip flasks of whisky. Cremation and sprinkled with Mum.

More seriously, if you’re doing a will do Power of Attorney at the same time. Not having this when you need it is a nightmare for your family, far worse than not having a will or funeral plans.

My sons are 16 and 20 and they know what l want, and legally how they are protected, its common sense as l am a lone parent. My husband died very suddenly and so l am aware of the enormouse amount of work and decisions involved at a very difficult time. The last thing l want for them is to be sat up in the early hours just trying to sort stuff out, on top of work, like l was for months after.

The Victorian's were matter of fact about death, but pretended that sex didn't exist m, and must never be spoken of.

We're the complete opposite now.

I think people generally avoid talking about it because there is a sense of it being morbid, gloomy or tempting fate. They don’t like to be reminded that we are all going to die one day, so denial happens instead.

I am a funeral celebrant, and I work with families to create a farewell that is right for them and for the person who has died. I find the family take comfort when they have known what the person’s wishes were - a sense of it being the last thing they can do for them.

I wish more people would have the conversation, note it all down, and then get back to living!

Like quite a few PPs have said, in my experience we do talk about it, and pretty casually. My Mum's wishes (which we all joking recite now) is 'Throw me on a bonfire and go have a party' 😂😂 It just depends on each family - how thoughts about death being taboo or not are passed on and, I suppose, how the family has had to deal with death. For instance, since I've been alive we've unfortunately had a lot of family members die at a whole range of ages and for various reasons, but I have some friends who still have never had a relative die since they've been born (since the friend has been born). These friends tend to be a bit more scared of talking about death.

I'm in rude health, touch wood, but bought my plot 10 years ago in my early 40s. It is, in fact, a double decker plot with my sister. We say Last to go gets the top bunk.
I'd like Dream a little dream of me and Shine on you crazy diamond featuring. Any useful body parts donated.
My siblings and even my teenage DCs know all this.

@Wotagain Sorry you are in this position at the moment.

I completely agree with the "no sadness" being bollox though. Of course people who are bereaved will be sad.
I am a big fan of a "Thanksgiving for life" service, celebrating all the lovely things about the person who has died, but I am not going to pretend that the laughter won't be mixed with tears. Seems very unhelpful, and even unhealthy to me to instruct people not to be sad when they have lost someone they loved.

I'm sorry for everyone who has lost a loved one.
However, how dare anyone say that my feelings about my funeral are bollox.
Each to their own. Right?
My DC's are 26 and 28 and they know what it's like to have to be strong.
So as for the pomp and ceremony, no thanks.
It's just about respect. Like I said we've agreed no pomp nor ceremony. Just a gathering with friends and coming to terms with their lives from there on in. I'm sure they'll have a few tears. I don't want to die and they know that.
Doesn't mean our conversation was bollox. 👍🏽

I am so very sorry for your loss @Fuuuuuckit and everyone else posting on this thread

I completely agree; generationally we’ve been separated from death / dying / funerals as they’ve become largely sanitised and far removed due to people living much longer now, and childhood mortality becoming so much lower.

My mum died suddenly on the 31st January. She left me no written wishes about her funeral, hadn’t detailed any wishes in her will etc. I knew for a fact that burying my Grandmother in 1994 (quite disturbingly coincidentally when my mother was the exact same age I am now) had traumatised her, and that she wouldn’t have wanted to be buried. We attended A LOT of funerals in our line of work, and had often said that we liked x, y or z about a service etc so I sort of knew what she would like, but in the 6 days it took me between me finding her at home, to when I found her will, I felt sick with worry that I would make a “wrong”decision in that I might have chosen something that would later transpire to be precisely what she had not wanted.

The is the first parent my husband or I have lost, so my mums death has prompted us to have the conversations with our remaining parents about their wishes, their finances etc so that we never have to go through the mess I’m dealing with now, albeit I was my mums only, whereas we both have siblings of our other parents. I’ve often said to both parents that we need to discuss these things (nursing makes you acutely aware of the fragility of life) but there’s been the same old response of “I’m not going anywhere” etc etc; I think seeing the absolute devastation that my mums death has wrecked across my life has made the rest of the family realise why we NEED to discuss death more regardless of how uncomfortable that make us.

My mum died on Tuesday, like yours it was quite sudden. She did speak about her funeral - she didn’t want one at all. She talked about her will, but it wasn’t where she told us it was! Turns out that she’d been lying to me for years about her finances. It’s going to take me weeks to sort it all out as her executor.
I did similar for my dad 6 years ago.
Me and DH have both got wills, copies to both of our daughters, along with all our essential details. All my important documents are organised in a small filing cabinet in the loft and I go through it every new year’s Eve. I don’t want my daughters to have to do what I’ve had to do for my parents when I die.

We also have got POAs naming our DDS, because actually staying alive but incapable of making informed decisions in some way is worse for next of kin than dying without a will.

@saraclara my mum also had stage 4 cancer and thankfully for me she planned her funeral, she didn't look at it as a morbid thing but as a way to make life easier for us all and to have it how she wanted it. My dad has written down everything for his funeral so that we don't have to worry either.

Everyone is different but I think in general the more it is talked about the better unless the person really doesn't mind then I suppose it doesn't matter!

I think it’s a discussion we should have between family before we find out we have any health issues. As a society we are terrible at having those conversations which can make it so hard to establish what treatments someone might want if they can’t verbalise themselves. What preparations they want etc.

my dad was put on palliative care and I took the opportunity to talk to him about everything , a few eyebrows were raised by some other relatives , but I thought if not know then when !!

I have since spoken to other relatives of a similar age and asked them about their choices , some of which have surprised me

My dad is now also going to make a living will so we can move forward with his health if we need to knowing what he'd want. At the moment he doesn't need it but knowing we are following what he wants is very important

I Have talked to my kids about a will

Dh had a heart attack so we have a death book now.

I've told mil she isn't being fair not having a will.

Not writing a will won't stop you dying. Writing one won't jinx your life. I think some people think it will.

So the funeral is done, the paperwork sorted and submitted, and now a huge gaping hole in our lives.

Not helped by the gnawing frustration that I'm fairly sure we pissed off some of the relatives by not doing 'the right things' despite there being no bereavement/funeral protocol or actual established wishes to follow.