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Bereavement

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Original poster

My Darling mum has died and I'm bereft.

28 replies

JasperJohnsPaintbrush · 24/02/2022 11:39

She died on Sunday shortly after I reached her after travelling for 2 terrifying hours through dreadful storm conditions on the roads.

I love and miss her so very very much.

OP posts:
bloodywhitecat · 24/02/2022 11:41

I am so sorry, would you like to tell us a bit about her?

Susu49 · 24/02/2022 11:44

I am so very sorry, op Flowers Flowers

JackieQueen · 24/02/2022 11:45

So very sorry for your loss op Flowers

tintodeverano2 · 24/02/2022 11:46

I'm so sorry for your lossThanks

Original poster
JasperJohnsPaintbrush · 24/02/2022 11:53

She was a beautiful soul. Liked the quiet life, family life, and dealt with major illness - with dignity, for much of her life.
We loved going shopping together. Early Saturday mornings in the 80's would find us on the non-stop bus to Leeds where we'd arrive at around 8.30 am. We'd whizz around all the shops stopping for tea and cake along the way, before making our way home after the last shops had closed.

After years of emotional abuse by a narcissitic 'd' father I cut contact with him, I didn't think my actions through for in turn he denied mum and I any contact between us. As by that time she was too ill to leave home or even get to the phone before him. So we couldn't even speak on the phone. I gave up after a while because I knew that if I'd pushed it, she was the one in his line of verbal fire. I detest and despise him and his behaviour. Yet she still loved him - as did she all of us.

So, after not being able to see her for approx 6 years, I finally got to see her the day before she died, and again on the day she died. It will never be enough, but it has to be doesn't it.

Thank you @bloodywhitecat

OP posts:
Hummingbirdcake · 24/02/2022 11:55

I’m very sorry for loss. Look after yourself.Flowers

toomuchlaundry · 24/02/2022 11:57

I am so sorry Flowers

Do you have anyone to support you?

Original poster
JasperJohnsPaintbrush · 24/02/2022 12:02

My partner has been an absolute rock. Iv'e cried on his shoulder so many times. His patience and kindness has kept me just this side of sane.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 24/02/2022 12:03

Flowers sorry for your loss. It's a tough time.

AbaloneShell · 24/02/2022 12:32

I am so sorry that you had to say goodbye to your dear Mum. I am glad you got to see her, despite the very painful, diificult situation you describe with your father. But your focus is rightly on her & you did a very selfless thing by not having contact so as to help ease her own situation, as it sounds like you needed her & sorely missed that these past 6 years. But you put her needs first, so I think she would be grateful for that. You need to grieve in whatever way you need, including acknowledging the hurt from not being able to see her more. My heart goes out to you. I lost my dear mum before Christmas & it is just breathtaking how much it hurt. Sometimes it's just taking things 10 minutes at a time, focus on the next thing that needs doing, and not being overwhelmed by it all. Your joint shopping trips sound great fun, and she sounds like a wonderful soul Flowers

Original poster
JasperJohnsPaintbrush · 24/02/2022 14:51

@AbaloneShell - thank you so much for your very kind message. I'm so very sorry that you have lost your dear mum too. I really do hope that it is getting easier for you, even though it may be fractionally at a time.
Yes, the pain does take your breath away - one minute I'm fine, the next I'm on the floor. In fact I've barely spoken since Sunday - not spoken out loud anyway, just lots of conversation going on in my head.
I was very lucky in that, ill as she was, she did recognise me on the Saturday, kept asking where had I been, and we were able to tell each other over and over how much we loved each other. I held her hand, stroked her hair and just willed her to stay with us for one more Springtime, but she couldn't , just couldn't.
Having to sit in her room on the Sunday with that man and my siblings - of whom he's turned against me too was at first, quite hard. Then I thought sod it, I'm here for mum, not them.

I've just been out for a walk with my DP to one of the local parks.First time since sunday I've been out of the house. It's bright and sunny but a freezing wind. All the crocuses, snowdrops, narcissi are out in bloom - all flowers she loved. I felt she was walking the park with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
JasperJohnsPaintbrush · 24/02/2022 14:54

@Susu49
@tintodeverano2
@SoupDragon
@JackieQueen
@Hummingbirdcake
@toomuchlaundry

Thank you all.x.

OP posts:
Cocolapew · 24/02/2022 15:03

I'm so sorry Flowers

rainbowstardrops · 24/02/2022 15:10

I'm so sorry for your loss Thanks

Galaxyrippleforever · 24/02/2022 15:12

I'm ever so sorry. That sounds such a trauma and your mum sounds like a real gentle soul. Thinking of you.

Photolass · 24/02/2022 15:20

I am so sorry to read of your sadness. Your mum sounds as if she was a wonderful person. Flowers

Original poster
JasperJohnsPaintbrush · 24/02/2022 16:28

@Cocolapew
@rainbowstardrops
Thank you.x

@Galaxyrippleforever
@Photolass

She was a really gentle, kind and loving woman, which is why she just couldn't stand up against him. He used her to verbally attack me and she couldn't not do it.
For example - it would start off as 'Your dad says' .....then go on to include it's time you lost weight, wore better clothes, got a better job/house/car etc. When he did speak to me it always began as 'it's a pity/its a shame you've not been as successful as your brother/got a better job/house/car.
I did know that whenever she said these things she didn't like it - she couldn't look at me when she said it, but it still hurt.

He could give me/mum silent treatment for days/weeks and once for me, months. He once even told me to get rid of my son if he turned out to be a 'wrong 'un'. At the point he said it my son, who was 5 at the time, was stood less than 6 ft from him.

He is a bastard who doesn't like women who stand up to him. Mum couldn't, but I did.

But I miss her so, so much......the pain is hell.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 24/02/2022 16:44

I felt she was walking the park with me.

If she is in your heart and your memory she will always be with you.

SoupDragon · 24/02/2022 16:45

I lost my mum last summer and I hold onto that thought.

Littlemissprosecco · 24/02/2022 16:46

She will always be part of you, hugs 💕💕

AbaloneShell · 24/02/2022 20:20

@JasperJohnsPaintbrush
The flowers spoke to you of her, you just have to look and listen and you'll find these things in the coming weeks. Let them comfort you. It can be the tiniest thing, but not small in the way it makes you feel.
Your father sounds such an unhappy soul, some people aren't happy unless they're making others miserable. He does sound like he can't cope with women being equal human beings in his warped thinking, but tough, he couldn't stop you seeing your mum at the end & he can't stop you loving each other in a way he'll never understand. He's irrelevant, and you can be just as strong to cope with him & siblings when the funeral happens.
I just had to allow myself to feel the pain, however intense, it was like surrendering to it, because I have to acknowledge how I feel so as not to bury it. I've done this in the past & it always pops up somewhere to cause problems, so now I know I need to deal with feelings in a more honest way, not running from them but honouring them, however difficult. It's not easy, I wake up in the wee small hours feeling totally bleak & bereft it's unreal, but holding on to my mum's love makes the difference (I believe the universe is built on love, & it doesnt go away).
It may sound odd, but this is one of those special liminal times of life where you can start to see more clearly what really matters to you &, in time, what changes you may want. Just treat yourself gently & if you need to do things that take effort, give yourself downtime afterwards. You need to preserve your precious energy. It's a rollercoaster of emotions, take care xx

Garysmum · 24/02/2022 20:35

Losing your mum is a huge loss. I will never forget the 5 days I spent with my sister and dad watching mum die.
It's not a loss that just goes quickly but the pain just lessens with time. I find myself saying "I want my mum" at least once a week and it's been many years.
She will be in your heart all the time and I know I have changed since my mum died. I think I have slowly become more like her because she was a fantastically kind person and somehow my perspective has changed and I think about what mum would do.
Take care x

Munchies123 · 24/02/2022 21:04

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum last summer so can empathise with some of the feelings you describe.
You sound an incredibly strong, kind and thoughtful soul, which has in part has to have been passed from your mum.
Take care of yourself

Original poster
JasperJohnsPaintbrush · 25/02/2022 20:56

I thought I was doing ok today. I cut my long overdue, needs a cut, fringe, and did some pottering around.
Then I found a card written from mum to me for my 50th birthday. Right at the end of the message she'd written 'day out'? Just like I said in my op, we were always going out - to York, Leeds, anywhere.

I've ranged between sobbing my eyes out, then the next minute raging at that man and the stupidity of my siblings for believing his twisted lies. I feel wrung out.
@AbaloneShell - you are spot on re that man. There is a sad history to his life before he met my mum, but that doesn't give him the right to make everyone else in his life pay for it.
It's another 3 weeks to mums funeral, and I don't know if I can stand feeling so angry, sad, inactive, manic - all within the space of minutes. Weirdly though, just as you've said, I have begun the slightest of changes - in my head - to how I'm going to work in the future. Basically take the hand off the throttle and ease back, as I'm now in my 60's and beginning to wish I wasn't.

Ny thanks to everyone for such kind words, and Flowers to all who have also lost their mums. It's hell.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 26/02/2022 10:48

I thought I was doing ok today

You are doing OK. It's perfectly fine to be up and down or to be "not OK". It's all normal. Flowers