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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My sister died but no contact from MIL or SIL

48 replies

avocadoandtears · 29/07/2021 04:46

My lovely sister died 3 weeks ago and I haven't been contacted at all by my MIL or SIL. We've been married over 10 years and they had both met my sister plenty of times

I haven't mentioned it to my husband - I'm overwhelmed with my sisters loss and don't want to waste energy on this. But I'm bewildered by their silence and feel so hurt. I can't imagine ever wanting to do any family events with them ever again. Why are they doing this?

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 29/07/2021 04:52

Sorry for your loss.

Maybe they are respecting your privacy at this time. Have they spoken to your dh, and passed on their condolences via him, rather than to you directly?

PatchworkElmer · 29/07/2021 04:56

How awful. They haven’t even sent a card? Some people don’t know how to handle the bereavement of others, but regardless this sounds really rubbish of them and I’d feel the same as you.

Original poster
avocadoandtears · 29/07/2021 04:57

I don't know - he hasn't said anything to me if they have. I've had so so many messages from other family and friends, their silence is so conspicuous

OP posts:
Original poster
avocadoandtears · 29/07/2021 04:58

No call, text, card or flowers 😢

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 29/07/2021 05:31

I would ask your DH firstly in case he has said to them not to contact you as you are very upset. They are maybe trying to be protective rather than uncaring.

Carrott21 · 29/07/2021 05:56

I'm sorry about your sister.

I would imagine that something has come through dh, or failed to.

People are really shit at this, but that does not make it ok, and I would need to tackle it, or it would eat away at me. But not yet.

Datingandnoideahowto · 29/07/2021 05:57

I’m sorry for your loss.

Alannawhorideslikeaman · 29/07/2021 06:03

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

I would definitely speak to DH before making any decisions on their actions. There's a strong chance they've said to him "please pass on our condolences" or similar to avoid overwhelming you and he hasn't bothered to pass it on, in the way people say "oh please say hello for me" and you don't generally actually pass it on. Or they might be waiting to see you in person to bring flowers etc. You never know. So definitely mention it to DH. It doesn't have to be a big thing, just a "have you heard from MIL or DSisinlaw?"

TidyDancer · 29/07/2021 06:07

I'm so sorry for your loss.

There could be some reasonable explanations for this, other posters have alluded to them. I think some people just don't know what to do for the best when loss and grief is involved. I certainly agree a gesture of support and love would be appropriate but I don't necessarily think that a lack of this is an indicator that they don't care at all.

LunaLula83 · 29/07/2021 06:10

Don't worry about them. Focus on your sister and grieve. Be with your friends snd family. Senfing condolences

Undervaluedandsad · 29/07/2021 06:15

It’s suspicious that neither have been in contact. If you normally have a good relationship with them, it’s likely they’ve spoken to your husband and he hasn’t passed on messages.
So sorry for your loss.

Mothership4two · 29/07/2021 06:17

Some people are very uncomfortable communicating about serious illness or death - not an excuse, they should pull their fingers out! They may have been giving DH messages to pass on (as others have said, check with him) and be giving you space. But, yes, you would expect more.

So sorry for your loss xx Flowers

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 29/07/2021 06:29

Completely out of order and downright rude. My exh stepdad (who I have not seen for 6 years) recently lost his son to cancer first thing I did was send a card, its a mark of respect and to say I am thinking about you. I would feel very let down.

Frogsonglue · 29/07/2021 06:35

I'm so sorry for your loss.
When I lost my dad last year, neither SIL or FIL got in touch, and in fact neither of them have ever mentioned it despite living close my and seeing them several times a week. I was very angry at one point; DH explained it as "they just don't know what to say" but tbh I thought that was just shit. Bereavement isn't about the awkward feelings of the people around you; they should get over themselves and offer you love and support even if they struggle to talk about these things. I like my in-laws far less as a result.

Once again, I'm so so sorry for what you're going through. Focus on the love you have around you, but do have your DH let them know how their silence has hurt you if you feel the need to. People shouldn't be let off the hook just because it's awkward or embarrassing to be around grief.

Billandben444 · 29/07/2021 06:38

That is quite odd and standoffish. Is it in character, do they struggle to show empathy? When my sister suddenly died, I was touched by the cards from near strangers who felt moved to commit to paper. Try not to let it sour your future with them and concentrate on being gentle with yourself. I'm so very sorry for your loss 💐

user1495884211 · 29/07/2021 06:46

Sorry for your loss OP. Do your in-laws actually know about your sister's death, though, if you have had no contact with them?

pinkhousesarebest · 29/07/2021 06:56

So rude. I was bereaved six years ago and my sils( many of them) neither sent a card nor showed up at the wake. I have kept my distance ever since - unforgivable.

MindyStClaire · 29/07/2021 07:04

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I would ask your DH, I imagine he's forgotten to pass a message on. Tbh I still don't think a "tell avocado we're thinking of her" type message is enough, but it's something.

Regardless of what he says, don't give them too much headspace now. It will change your relationship with them down the line (I still remember people who didn't send condolences when I had a bereavement 12 years ago) but don't make any decisions or focus your anger on them now. Besides, grief is a long road and you never know, they may actually step up when you're past these initial few weeks. You have other things to think about now, don't waste energy on them.

runwithme · 02/08/2021 22:23

We had the same thing, when I lost DB. A distinct lack of care and love. Things will never be the same with PIL again. One thing I regret is spending energy on being angry. They are just selfish; that's the way they are, and they chose not to support DH whilst he was supporting me. I'll never forget, and never ever forgive.

Sorry for your loss. Sending you much strength

Openheart01 · 03/08/2021 08:07

@avocadoandtears I understand where you are coming from. My sil is coming from overseas in 2 weeks. She sent no messages of condolences and cldnt watch the funeral online as she "was too upset". I did include her in references during the funeral. On the day of the funeral my sil posted photos of hersef in new outfits. I know she was removed from the funeral but I just cldnt believe how insensitive she was. She's staying with another family member but I honestly don't want to see her. I will be polite as that is what my mum would expect but I'm so angry. I wonde if I'm just projecting my anger a little on her though? Hope you're doing ok. Xx

Openheart01 · 03/08/2021 08:08

Should say it was my lovely mum who died and my sil.wld have stayed with her ober the years.

TerritorialPissings · 03/08/2021 08:12

I am so very sorry for your loss.

I can’t possibly excuse their behaviour; I can only urge you to not waste your emotions on them and know in the future where you stand with them.

MrsPerfect12 · 03/08/2021 08:14

I'm so very sorry for your loss Flowers

HotAndGrumpy · 08/08/2021 08:23

When you lose someone close to you, you find out who your real friends are, and who really cares about you. I remember when my mum died snd I was devastated and I called my BF who told me she was busy and that she didn’t know what I wanted her to do about it. Honestly! On the other hand, people I didn’t think I was that close to, tallied round me and held me up in those dark hours.

Firstly, find out from your DH if they are asking about you, wanting to send condolences. If it is the case they’ve done nothing then they are clearly in the camp of lacking empathy and I wouldn’t bother with them again. Honestly, I wouldn’t. I lost my mum when I was a teenager and I only surround myself with people I trust. My SIL and MIL do stuff like this. DH and I nearly split a while ago and it was radio silence from them to me and my DC until it became clear we weren’t splitting. I’ve since cut contact to the bare minimum. They aren’t to be trusted.

HotAndGrumpy · 08/08/2021 08:34

I also forgot to say that I’m very sorry about your lovely sister. Just think about yourself and your own family right now.