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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

DS2 wants to see Bo's ashes and I'm not sure how to deal with this.

47 replies

Bubble99 · 28/03/2007 22:59

For those who don't know..

Two years ago I went into hospital to deliver my twin boys. The hospital was short-staffed and one of my healthy, full-term twins died during a fatally mismanaged labour. Elijah (DT1) survived, just.

Bo's ashes have stayed in a jar in our bedroom ever since and recently DS2 has asked to see them. What is the protocol for this? I know he'll want to handle them ie. run his fingers through them.

Oh, this post sounds so odd. I'm not sure how to put it.

I feel that Bo's ashes deserve some reverence and I know that we should have done something with them by now but I don't want to let go of him, IYSWIM.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 28/03/2007 23:01

How do you know he'll want to handle them?

Nikki76 · 28/03/2007 23:03

What about a compromise? Plant a rememberance tree in garden or similar and, if you feel you are able to of course, let Elijah scatter some of the ashes by the tree - that way he's got the answer (bad choice of words but I can't think of another one -sorry) to his enquiries and youve both done something in Bo's memory? Or maybe you could just plant the tree instead?

Hope this helps and really sorry to hear about it

XXXXXX

JanH · 28/03/2007 23:03

How old is DS2, bubble? Is DS1 curious too?

TwinklemEGGan · 28/03/2007 23:05

Could you use this as a way of trying to let go? Maybe by involving your DT1 in going to scatter the ashes somewhere lovely? I'm sorry if that's completely inappropriate - I have no direct experience of this but I am so so sorry for you.

JanH · 28/03/2007 23:06

DS2 isn't DT1 - DT1 is DS3 - DS2 is quite a bit older IIRC.

SherlockLGJ · 28/03/2007 23:07

He is at that age QV.

Could you show him BO's ashes and tell him they are very special and it is no touchy. Simplistic I know, but two is two.

Someone on here must know someone who could get some of BO's ashes and I mean a miniscule amount and float them in a small amount of polymer/resin as Elijahs's link to BO.

Hope this makes sense .

Original poster

Bubble99 · 28/03/2007 23:07

Because he wants to handle eveything VVVQV.

He's 6 and we can't walk past a wall/bush/pile of builders sand without him wanting to touch it.

OP posts:

KristinaM · 28/03/2007 23:09

we have a 2y 10mo son who lost his older brother last year. just recently he has started to talk a lot about him too eg M is dead? I dont want to be dead. Did he go to hospital in an ambulance? was he scared? etc

i guess its a phase in their development. We have already buried teh ashes so dont have to face this problem. But I knwo that our Ds woudl want to touch them too...and he woulndt understand enough to treat them "revently", he woudl say " oh they are like sand" and want to throw them

JanH · 28/03/2007 23:09

bubble, can you just say "yes, you can see them, but they are very precious and you msutn't touch"?

Debz72 · 28/03/2007 23:09

So sorry for everything you've been through.....
Maybe you could decide to do something with the ashes in Bo's memory, like plant a tree or plant? Then get DS2 could get involved, maybe help plant the tree. Maybe it's just a way of him saying he wants to talk about it? If you had a tree though DS could touch it, children need something 'concrete' iykwim.

If it's just too much I think saying they are too precious to be touched is acceptable.

Original poster

Bubble99 · 28/03/2007 23:09

What a lovely idea, LGJ.

I'd love Elijah to have something to remind him of the twin he should have had.

OP posts:

TwinklemEGGan · 28/03/2007 23:11

Thanks for pointing that out JanH. Sorry Bubble.

KristinaM · 28/03/2007 23:12

bubble - do you have a memory box for teh boys? our DD2 aged 7 has one and likes it

Soapbox · 28/03/2007 23:12

Bubble - he is 6yo and capable of understanding the ground rules

Explain to him that the ashes are all that is left of Bo, and therefore very very precious. More precious than the most priceless diamonds and the best car and the biggest lego kit (or whatever he values most in life).

He can look at them, but under no circumstances can he touch them. If he doens;t feel able to do this then suggest that he waits until he is older to look at them.

You set the terms - he follows them or waits. It isn't that complicated really

VeniVidiVickiQV · 28/03/2007 23:13

I dont have a 6 year old (yet), but i would have thought old enough to understand the preciousness and not to touch - but would require quite a bit of discussion first. Perhaps this is where his curiosity is coming from - more wanting to know about the whole thing, rather than just the ashes?

DrMarthaMcMoo · 28/03/2007 23:13

I think I would go with Janh's suggestion of looking but not touching. I say "I think I would go with..." I have no idea what I could bear to do in these circumstances. If you can do it without getting too upset then that would possibly be the best solution.

Oh, and to go back to your OP - and "you know you should have done something with them by now" - there's no "should" in this, no A-Z route map...you just muddle through as best you can, I think.

Original poster

Bubble99 · 28/03/2007 23:13

Jan. No, DS1 (9) isn't really interested.

OP posts:

mrsjohnsim · 28/03/2007 23:13

hi, bubbles (it is oops)
why does it matter if he touches them?
there are all sorts of things that we keep as taboo in the world i sometimes it doesn't make sense.
Do you not want him to spill them? maybe you could set it up so that they will fall onto a sheet or something.
Or do you find it distasteful that he would touch them?

I am not sure why it worries you, not trying to say it shouldn't worry you, just maybe thinking of why it does and then see if you can do something pragmatic to deal with it.
And agree re the family doing something with his ashes...maybe it isn't quite time yet though.
hth and XXX

JanH · 28/03/2007 23:13

Oh gawd, sorry twinklem, please don't apologise, I only know because I've been here for aaaages

jules99 · 28/03/2007 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeachesMcLean · 28/03/2007 23:16

Hi Bubble, my son is a surviving twin too. He's nearly 6 though. I did talk about his brother when he was younger (3 or 4 ish) and I know he took it in at the time, but I do wonder now if he remembers any of that, and there's never been an appropriate time to remind him.
My instinct is that if you feel ok about DS seeing the ashes, then do so. Go with your instincts, not what you think should or shouldn't be done. I'm not sure there is any protocol. He may not remember anyway in years to come. I think the fact that you've still got his ashes is very reverent. What do you want to do in the long term though?
Sorry if this is all a bit daft, I haven't posted on the bereavement threads before. I came to MN several years afterwards (God I wish I'd known you all at the time)

JanH · 28/03/2007 23:17

bubble, I wonder if it is time for you to have a family duscussion about Bo's ashes, with all the boys - to talk about Bo, and what he means to you all, and what all of you think is the best thing to do with his ashes, to remember him?

mrsjohnsim · 28/03/2007 23:18

oh, everyone else seems to be worried about him touching them too...maybe it is me....i don't wuite understand.
BUt will desist from posting further if i seem to be totally in the worng place here.

hatwoman · 28/03/2007 23:22

bubble - this might be a bit off the wall but I guess anything's worth a suggestion. firstly if you don;t want him to handle them, then that's utterly understandable and it's perfectly ok to stand by that. what's difficult is maybe explaining that to a 6 year old - but - does he know what ash is like? is it really strange to suggest that you show him some other ash - and let him handle it, not, of course, as a substitute but as a way of illustrating to him why he can't do the same thing with Bo's ashes? you can talk to him. tell him how you feel about them, tell him one day you might scatter them but not yet - if that's how you feel - and then perhaps show him. I'm so sorry if that's just too strange a thing to suggest. children are extraordinarily tactile - I just wonder if this might - nearly - satisfy his curiousity.

Original poster

Bubble99 · 28/03/2007 23:22

I suppose I think, that them being handled diminishes then somehow. But then, why should that be? All that's left of the little lad is a few grey ashes in a jar. Maybe by touching them it might make the 'brother who never will be' more real?

All that remains of him, I'm sure for DS1 and DS2 is the impression of Mr Bubble and I crying all the time. Maybe it would be good for him to be able to 'see' and touch him.

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