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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

DS2 wants to see Bo's ashes and I'm not sure how to deal with this.

47 replies

Bubble99 · 28/03/2007 22:59

For those who don't know..

Two years ago I went into hospital to deliver my twin boys. The hospital was short-staffed and one of my healthy, full-term twins died during a fatally mismanaged labour. Elijah (DT1) survived, just.

Bo's ashes have stayed in a jar in our bedroom ever since and recently DS2 has asked to see them. What is the protocol for this? I know he'll want to handle them ie. run his fingers through them.

Oh, this post sounds so odd. I'm not sure how to put it.

I feel that Bo's ashes deserve some reverence and I know that we should have done something with them by now but I don't want to let go of him, IYSWIM.

OP posts:

mrsjohnsim · 28/03/2007 23:37

I'd love to CAT you and tell you about my friend, i can't post here, it is all too stressful here somtimes and i don't want her decsions and reasons for doing her stuff raked over by MN. it may turn out horrible and i would be mortified if she was ever aware of it.
BUt i have no email here....
somtimes what we fear as adults makes no difference to kids and they need to get to a place of accpetance in a different way than an adult.
You won't be diminishing Bo by letting his brother touch his ashes...i just don't see how that can be...
unless his brother is silly about it- but even then a 6yr old boy can't always have the same reactions as an adult.

Ask him what he wants to do with the ashes, and why, and then work out with him what you can cope with... he is 6 and will be able to ahev at least some of the conversation i am sure.

I am so sorry you ahev to think of stuff like this.. for you and {{{{{Hug}}}}}}

VeniVidiVickiQV · 28/03/2007 23:40

marslady maybe can pass on a message oops???

mrsjohnsim · 28/03/2007 23:41

look, i have to go to bed, but you can CAT me tomight if you liek with your phone numebr.
i don't know if you want to hear about other stuff to do with siblings gettng over a loss, i juts don't know- but it may help and it isn't for public consumption really.... if it may help then CAt me and i will email you from work tomorrow....
sleep well (as well as you can)

mrsjohnsim · 28/03/2007 23:43

yeah i thought about that- it sounds a bit mad now- and maybe i am just being silly to think another story may help- but i think my friend is couragous and amazing but i am really worried about posting her story- it just isn't mine to tell on pblic forum and i don't even want it up for 5 mins tbh.
Marsy is working tonight, anothetr little one on his or her way...but she does know a litle bit about my friend.

it sounds like it is more intriguing than it really is now !

VeniVidiVickiQV · 28/03/2007 23:44

I think hunker may have both of your numbers......

mrsjohnsim · 28/03/2007 23:46

anywa, i really have to go to bed,work tomorrow...
bubble, txt marsy with your email then i can email you off board if you want to talk a bit more- but i will understand completley if you don't- i sound a bit strange

hub2dee · 28/03/2007 23:48

(Just e-mailed btw)

wotcha bubb, and quick

I think your thoughts about the sanctity of the ashes, and how this might be in some way tainted or diminshed by them being handled is completely understandable, the ashes are pure, as your son was; they are the physical remnants to counterpart the psychical pain that you and your husband experienced too... but as you point out, this thought is perhaps not (objectively speaking) true - they wouldn't be 'tainted' if ds touched them - nor if they were buried or scattered or preserved in resin one day. I guess what I'm saying is that this is less about your son's interest and curiosity, or his need to understand the transition of physical state, than about your - and Mr. Bubb's - need to come to terms with what happened - which is, obviously, horrendously difficult.

I have no doubt, that when the time is right for you - when you feel able to cope with whatever it is your ds2 wants to do to 'explore' the ashes - that you will find absolutely the right words to explain your feelings to him in an appropriate way, and, FWIW, I have absolutely no doubt that ds will understand what you say and behave appropriately.

It's still so bloody unfair isn't it. X

wadders · 29/03/2007 00:00

I lost my DD2 in 2003 from cot death aged 4 months. My DD1 was 5 and was really devastated although she didn't really understand. It has only been in the last year and half that she has began to talk about DD1. We have always been extemely open about what happened and how it makes us feel and I think that has helped so much. We also have buried her ashes and call it her garden. We talk about her so many more times than visiting her garden as we feel we don't need to visit her 'garden' to remember her. DD1 also has 2 photo frames full of pictures of her and her sister which, when DD1 is feeling down we talk about it and all the good times we had with DD2 etc..

wadders · 29/03/2007 00:02

It is so god damn unfair x x x

mears · 29/03/2007 00:09

Hi Bubble - haven't spoken to you for a long time. One of my friend's still had her first DS's ashes in her bedroom cupboard. He was a cotdeath at 3 weeks old which was 21 years ago. You might never want to scatter his ashes or bury them. I can understand why you wouldn't want them handled either. Can't advise what to do at all. Don't feel that you have to let go of him though

jellybellynally · 29/03/2007 00:17

this is all so sad

MarsLady · 29/03/2007 03:25

Hiya my darling. Email me and I'll pass on Oops details. I think that what she tells you may help some. I know some of the story and completely understand why she doesn't want it on a public forum.

Honey.... I wish I could tell you the right thing to do.... I think we all do... but there is no right thing to do.

You have to do what works for you and MrBubble.

Call me if you want to or need to. I'm here any time (that incls the middle of the night)

Much love darling

ggglimpopo · 29/03/2007 05:40

Contact me if you would like to. My 7 year old had a hard time coming to terms with his losing his sister but has had some professional help which really worked for him and helped us to help him. If yo would like some support or to for me to explain how she went about helping him, please do contact me. I found it very useful to be able to deal with his questions and his level of understanding.

I am so sorry for your loss Bubble. I know how heartbreaking it is and how difficult it is to handle your own feelings and sorrow and put them into context in family life.

Mars and Sherlock and JanH alll have my details.

Original poster

Bubble99 · 29/03/2007 10:06

Thankyou, all of you, for your posts.

I've got an ill and snotty Elijah and Asher today so I'll be back this evening to contact those of you who have offered your help.

I really can't thank you enough. The power of mnet, eh?

XXXXX

OP posts:

MrsApron · 29/03/2007 10:26

bubble did you know you can get the ashes turned into diamonds? I must admit though I like the idea of the jar holding your precious boy safe/pure in your bedroom.

I wouldn't want them touched either it just seems like a violation. Personally i would let me look in the jar but not touch.

batters · 29/03/2007 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

motherinferior · 29/03/2007 11:14

Bubble, if it would be any help at all, I've done some work on bereavement and children and found some good resources, especially Winston's Wish.

My heart goes out to you.

Twiglett · 29/03/2007 11:20

Bubble ... I don't know whether I find this totally inappropriate or not .. but did you know that a loved one's ashes can be converted into a precious stone (like a diamond) .. this is the site

I'm sorry if its the wrong thing to post

my heart goes out to you .. still .. I wish I had some advice that would help

Twiglett · 29/03/2007 11:21

sorry I should have read it first .. ignore last post

FoghornLeghorn · 03/04/2007 13:46

Bubble Did you decide anything yet ?

It is so shitting unfair.

Wadders - I have a 4 month old DD and your post gave me goosebumps - I had a dream about loosing her last night

bundle · 11/04/2007 14:16

oh bubble it must be very hard for you right now.

We scattered my dad's ashes last week, in the park where he & mum met, in a lovely spot (not the exact spot, but it had the right feel, we all decided). my girls and my niece helped to scatter the ashes and it was as good an experience for us as it could have been (no tears, even though I know we all have those on our off days).

I do hope you find something appropriate for you and the rest of your family to remember him by, x

Boop · 11/04/2007 19:57

Hello Bubble
I am so sorry to hear of your loss, I was told of you by another lady.
I am sorry I dont have any answers about your Bo's ashes what you feel is best will be x
I lost my DD TW at 32 weeks we named her Bo too x
I would love to hear from you as I dont know what I should be thinking or doing xx
Take care
Boopx

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