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Original poster

My Dad is very ill. What do I say to my girls and when do I say it?

37 replies

spudmasher · 23/02/2007 19:47

He has had bad news about his cancer this week. It is going to be palliative care from here on in. I have only said to my girls that grandpa is poorly until now. I need to prepare them I think.

Please could anyone who has been in a similar situation offer me their wisdom.

They adore him.

I know you will come up trumps for me MNers.

OP posts:
Original poster
spudmasher · 23/02/2007 20:05

I was wrong!! Come on!! I have a headache because I have not stopped crying for 24 hrs!! Someone's dad must have died!! WHAT DID YOU TELL YOUR KIDS!!!

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gothicmama · 23/02/2007 20:07

be as honest as their age allows give them tim eto ask questions, there is abook about water bugs and dragon flies which helps to explain about death adn some other ones which have been recoomended on mumsnet in the past badgers gift I think it is called hth

OrlandoTheMarmaladeCat · 23/02/2007 20:08

Hang on spudmasher, someone with some advice will be along soon. It's prime putting-to-bed time.

I'm afraid I've got no real advice for you. Although both my parents have been seriously ill, they survived.

Lots of hugs to you and your family.

Nikki76 · 23/02/2007 20:11

Hiya

I haven't had this experience myself but would like to try and help. It depends on how old the children are, whether they will ask loads of questions or just accept it without too many questions and whether you want to be really honest about it or not.

One thing I personally, think would be nice to say, depending on whether you ever talk about God that is, is that its a really big sky out there (take them out and show them the sky) and God gets lonely so he choses special people to come and keep him company and he's chosen Grandpa because he's such a nice special person and Grandpa has to say yes.

Maybe you will hate that though and think its too cheesy - but wanted to at least reply and give you an idea.

Big big hugs

Nikki

SturdyAngel · 23/02/2007 20:12

I'm sorry to hear about your dad.

I don't have any experience of dealing with this with my dc but when my aunt was diagnosed with cancer they took the children to Winstons Wish They saw a councellor before and after their mums death.

Maybe they could give you some advice.

Winestein · 23/02/2007 20:15

Spudmasher - I have no advice as my son was a few days before being two when Grandad died of cancer in December.

So so sorry about your dad. How old are your girls? I know from other threads ages ago that there are quite a few books out there that deal with teaching acceptance death to young children.

I so don't do this, but

Winestein · 23/02/2007 20:16

acceptance of death

tissy · 23/02/2007 20:16

You don't say how old your children are. DD was 2 when her grandad was terminally ill. We went to see him in hospital, and we knew it was going to be the last time, but didn't tell her at that point. We did in a general sort of way discuss that some people get very ill, and the doctors can't make them better and then they die. If you are a religious family you can talk about going to heaven/ whatever, but we told dd that when people die we put them in the ground to help the flowers grow, which is what happened to grandpa. It helped that we'd recently had a "funeral" for a starling that killed itself flying into our window, I think.

Original poster
spudmasher · 23/02/2007 20:16

Have ordered book from amazon. Thanks Gothicmama.
Nikki76- your words brought (yet more ) tears to my eyes but my da does not believe in an afterlife so I can not ell my children that. I also have a nasty feeling that the end is the end. But thank you. Your thoughts are much appreciated.

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DumbledoresGirl · 23/02/2007 20:17

How old are they spudmasher? I feel their age is relevant information here.

tissy · 23/02/2007 20:17

"Goodbye Mog" is a good book

Original poster
spudmasher · 23/02/2007 20:18

DD1 is 8 DD2 is 5. Thanks all.I feel a bit stonger already.

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Nikki76 · 23/02/2007 20:22

Yes I agree, what you belive in does put a different perspective on what you tell your children. I really really hope you manage to find the right words and am happy you are feeling a bit stronger already

Kids are so amazing though - have such an understanding of things -more than what we give them credit for sometimes.

Yet more hugs!

Nikki

MrsNoahshensgotgobbled · 23/02/2007 20:27

Spudmusher, I am so sorry you are going through this.
I can only tell you my perspective though I dont know how it may help.

My girls are 10 and 8 and my father is also dying. I have always been really honest with the kids about such important things , trusting the fact that they are young and will always have our love and support.
I think it's better to be honest and encourage them to talk about things like this regardless of their age. Others may disagree with me however.

I have told them that Grandpa is ill, that sadly, he wont get better and also that we dont know how long he has but that we just need to be gentle and loving around him(even though he is often very bad tempered which sometimes makes it hard).

They have asked me if he will go to Heaven, but as I am not sure of these things myself, I simply answer that I dont know, I hope so.
I prefer to take the Scientific approach about life and death in that if nobody died there would be no room for little babies but for you that really does depend on their ages and your own beliefs.

I hope that this doesnt come across too hard. There is so much to this that it is almost impossible to write it down.

DumbledoresGirl · 23/02/2007 20:30

MrsNoah, that is a lovely post - very measured and sensitive.

I can't really add more. When I thought my mother was dying (she had a major stroke) I was too shocked to come up with anything sensible for my children. Forunately she pulled through so I was spared this trauma for a while.

gothicmama · 23/02/2007 20:30

just a thought dd's great nan left her a small gift to help her (dd was 3 at time) but it does help her remember her great nan

Original poster
spudmasher · 23/02/2007 20:34

Mrsnoah, I love your words. I am so sorry that you too are experiencing this.

At the moment I am finding it very hard to speak about.

I just cry as soon as I open my mouth. I am hoping I will feel strong enough soon as the girls obviously know something is wrong.

Did you manage to stay strong in front of them? I am scared that if I cry, they will feel more upset.

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MrsNoahshensgotgobbled · 23/02/2007 20:35

Oh Sweetie, I know. I am filling up a bit now too

MrsNoahshensgotgobbled · 23/02/2007 20:42

I am so glad I havent upset you by my Yorkshire bluntness but I cant handle making up all sorts of sad tales and make believe to them.
It seems to have worked, at least as they are matter of fact about it and do ask all sorts of questions.

What was really terrible is that their other Granddad died so suddenly 4 weeks ago, and do you know they handled it amazingly. I think they were prepared for death in whatever form it took as i had talked to thim before about my own Father.
They came to the Funeral and I was overwhelmingly proud. It made sense of it all to them and helped them deal with it.

The only thing that worried me was how they would cope seeing their relatives cry, but I gave them both a special hanky each and they did brilliantly.

I am ok about it now. Think I have come to terms with it. He is relying on me and my sister to be strong, as he is emotionally wrecked by it and is not handling it very well.
You DO have the strength to deal with this I can tell.

Original poster
spudmasher · 23/02/2007 20:44

Winstons wish is great. I have ordered a bok from there. Thanks Sturdyangel.

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Original poster
spudmasher · 23/02/2007 20:48

Mrsnoah, you are a star. I don't feel like I have the strength yet, but I might in a few days time. I only found out yesterday so I am still really shocked. He only went in to have a polyp removed a few weeks ago and now has cancer which is aggressive and well advanced.

Your children sound amazing.

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Winestein · 23/02/2007 20:57

Spudmasher - you haven't had time to digest this yourself, let alone explain it to your children. The best bit of advice I can give you is to phone the nurses at cancerbacup if you need to understand something/get something off your chest/whatever you need to say.

Maybe have a look around their site? The helpline is on the homepage and in resources and support. here

Mistiek · 23/02/2007 21:03

Hello Spudmasher & MrsNoah
I am so sorry that you are both going through this. I lost my father last week from cancer and the funeral is this comming monday. He suffered with very agressive cancer but has fought it for 5 years. We all knew that this day was comming and to know he is not suffering anymore is a help but it still never prepares you for it. My DS is only 2 he has no idea what is going on so in this respect I am not able to give any advice - But I do know that children are very risiliant and may surprise you with there strength.

I think Honesty is the best way... and even though they are young as a family you will be able to support each other.

Again so sorry you are going through this as I know how tough it is, you are both in my thoughts and prayers. Spudmasher - I hope you find a way to let your DS's know...

MrsNoahshensgotgobbled · 23/02/2007 21:08

Mistiek, so sorry.

I do hope that the funeral on Monday is the best it can possibly be for your Father.

I shall be thinking of you.

MrsNoahshensgotgobbled · 23/02/2007 21:10

Spudmasher, just give yourself a little bit of time and the tlc you deserve.

The shock will pass and you will find your strength again to deal with this day by day.
You will know what to say to the littlies, trust your own instincts with this.

Any time you want to chat/offload to me I will certainly be here for you x