My Dad is very ill. What do I say to my girls and when do I say it?

[spudmasher]

He has had bad news about his cancer this week. It is going to be palliative care from here on in. I have only said to my girls that grandpa is poorly until now. I need to prepare them I think.

Please could anyone who has been in a similar situation offer me their wisdom.

They adore him.

I know you will come up trumps for me MNers.

Can I recommend Always and Forever. Its a lovely book that talks about death.

Mistiek, my heart goes out to you and you family. It gives me strength to know that others are going through this too. Mrs Noah. I'm here for yoy too

no real advise for you but didn't want to ignore your thread. thinking of you

Spud, are you feeling a tiny bit better now ?

Yes. Very much so. It is so good to be able to type how I feel because as I said earlier I can't speak about it yet.
I had a conversation with my dad on the phone earlier and I loved it. It was as though in the course of the day since we had the news I had already thought he had died.

I have decided I am not going to tell the girls for a few weeks.

We live a long way away from my parents. We are going to see them at easter so I have decided to give myself a fornight or so to get my own head around it then I will start to deal with the children.

I feel about 10 yrs old tonight.

Am pleased Spud.

I agree you need time to get your head around it before you tell your girls, that makes sense.
I spoke to my Dad tonight too. He went to see his consultant today and was able to ask a billion questions more. He has answers again, for now.

I hope you sleep ok.

spudmasher, Firstly my condolences to you, my father died suddenly on jan 3rd so I can definately empathise with you x
My two are very small, 15months and 3yrs, but I told ds1 that grandad had a poorly heart and that the ambulence men couldnt make it better so he went to heaven and is looking after G(his nanas dog)he doesnt really fully understand, but understands the concept of what we've told him iyswim

With your children, it is going to be more upsetting, but I beleive it is best to be as honest as possible, do they know about cancer? I would suggest(If you dont feel you would be able to keep compsure) that you get someone else to talk to them a little about cancer and what happens when you have it and a bit about death.
Its best imo to be straight with them about the fact grandpa is very poorly and will die but to reassure them that he will be free of any pain and suffering and to highlight the fact that they should spend as much quality time with him beforehand as possible.

Do whats right for you, you will know what is and what isn't

love and thoughts x

Thanks all. I've printed this off as there is so much good stuff here I'll need to look closely in the morning. THanks all. Goodnight. xx

This might not help, but anyway... I was 21 when my mum died, after 9 months of knowing the end was coming (cancer too) and 22 when my father died, a stroke, so no preparation. I totally identify with your comment about feeling that your dad died already, because you grieve so much during this waiting period. Having gone through it both ways, in such a short time, my feeling is that you do the same amount of grieving over a different amount of time - does that make sense? I mean in that, with my mum, it was protracted, and we watched her go, but got much of the grieving done, without realising it, over that time, and adjusted more quickly afterwards. With dad, it was a huge shock, and the grief was much more intense, deeply painful, afterwards.

I was scared of death. I've tried hard since then to teach myself that it's part of life. We fought it, denied it, with my mum. I wish we could have found the peace to accept what was happening and enjoy the time that was left, rather than railing against it and denying it. If there was one thing I could wish for you it would be that; to understand that, however painful it is, you need to accept that it's happening and somehow make the most of your dad's time with you.

As for what you tell your children, I can't speak from experience. When our cat died (no, it's no comparison, but the only experience of death they've had) we explained it simply and honestly - that she was sick, and couldn't get better, and that she didn't have long left. They were upset, but they coped remarkably well. Let them believe in Heaven if they believe, or not if they don't. Take your cues from them. My DD'd teacher recommended the book "Badgers Parting Gifts" and it might be worth looking for it.

All the best, my sympathy goes out to you, it's a tough time and I hope you find the support you need.

Spud.

I also wanted to add that in following the honesty route The girls have seen me cry and I think that's not a bad thing.
They comfort me as much as I comfort them and I think that as they see me do it they know its ok to cry too. Often they dont quite know what is expected of them or how they should feel as it is all new.

Just one last thing, when you tell them, however you decide to tell them dont expect a straight forward reaction like an adult would.
When I told dd2 8yrs about the sudden death of my Father in law she said oh dear thats sad. Paused for a while for what she felt was an appropriate time and went off play. I was shocked.

3 hrs later, when she realised she couldnt thank him for a gift he had just sent her it hit her and she sobbed and sobbed.

They dont 'get it' at first. Does that make sense?

Sleep well, you must be exhausted.

spudmasher - sorry to hear the news about your dad. When my dad died of cancer when dd1 was 5 & dd2 was 18 mths. Dh told them that sometimes people get poorly & although everyone wants then to get better sometimes its better for the person if they're in alot of pain if they die & go to heaven. My dad wasnt a great believer either but we felt that we had to tell the girls that. We told them that Grandad would always still love them & watch over them - in fact dd1 used to wave to the sky so that Grandad would know she was thinking about him. I used to try really hard not to get upset infront of them but then decided that it was better to let then know its ok to cry & be sad. I'm not sure whether that's been any help or not. I know the time between finding he had cancer & dying was the worst (it was only about 4 weeks) & dd1 used to wet herself at night because she was so upset. If there's anything I can add or if you have any questions then please ask although dd1 (dd2 cant remember him) has nothing but brilliant memories of him now (she's 14). My dad was a very hands on Grandad & even now she has a photo of him in her room where he's holding her when she was a baby. She decided she wanted the picture in her room & she paid to have it framed out of her pocket money.

Spudmasher, so sorry to read your news. My Dad died suddenly in Sept & my 6yr old took it badly. We didn't take him to the funeral as my parents live abroad & he was very unsettled on my return. We read the Dragon Flies & Badger's parting gifts which helped.
We were very honest & said Grandad had died no "went to sleep" or anything as I think that can be confusing for kids. But as we go to church we did say Grandad's spirit was in heaven & explained about the funeral.

What helped him most come to terms with it was to talk about grandad and give him time. We also decided to make a special place to remember Grandad in the garden. I took him to the garden centre & let him choose plants & a statue (he picked a dog as my parents have 3) & we built a little gravel bed near his play area. He also decided to write a letter to his Grandad to tell him he loved him and hoped he was happy where he was now.
Perhaps you can find a simple way for the children to have a physical way to remember their Grandad & express their feelings.

ALso please please be kind to yourself in all this. You find yourself so busy dealing with everyone elses grief and all the practical matters that you don't give yourself time to grieve. Hope this helps. Lots of love & hugs to you