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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

If I never take away anything else from Mumsnet, I will always remember this:

47 replies

Miaou · 18/09/2006 20:53

From Yorkiegirl yesterday:

"hear it from me everyone.

If you know someone who has lost someone like I have (or anyone close to them), please speak to them. Believe me, I feel much better when people come over and say hello. Sorry to hear your news etc. So much better than acting as if life is hunky dory. Cos its not and ignoring me makes it worse!"

And this from bubble:

"Marina described the 'having to go through a series of public 'meltdowns.' thing. And it's true. Kind words will do that..but they have to be said. Those words may make you feel worse at that moment in time but they'll also help the whole awful thing to become more 'real.'"

I will never, ever, avoid anyone who has just lost someone. I promise.

OP posts:

NotAnOtter · 18/09/2006 21:01

i went to a party on saturday night.
At the party was a bloke i vaguely remembered from my very young youth. I went and chatted to him and sure enough it was who i had thought it was. He now lives in london and was up for mutual friends 40th
He had a big brother who was killed in a RTA when he was 7
I said i thought about his brother and remembered him and that i had been and looked at his grave...
The bloke was so pleased as he said barely anyone remembered his big brother,I was so GLAD i had had the courage to sy those few words and a few seconds of feeling nervous to voice my feelings made someone feel so good.
I am going to truly try harder to talk to people about their loss- thanks Miaou!

hermykne · 18/09/2006 21:02

i saw that too miaou and was moved.

a girl i meet last friday was a bit weepy at this do , so someone said to her he'll be ok at some point and i asked whats wrong and she expalined to a few what was up , so i asked her a few more sympathic questions and i thought she actually got over the weepiness and could see the positive in all the sypathy, does that make sense.

Original poster

Miaou · 18/09/2006 21:07

I've never suffered a serious loss myself, but my dh's mum had died just before I met him. He talked about her a lot, and cried every time her name came up. But it really helped him to talk about her.

OP posts:

southeastastra · 18/09/2006 21:08

my mum died 6 years ago, i really wish i could get my dad to talk about her more, it's very hard.

Californifrau · 18/09/2006 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 18/09/2006 21:13

on a totally different scale to what bubble and yorkiegirl have been through but when I was diagnosed with ms one of my closest friends never said anything. Another guy - who's a big rugby player and not exactly in touch with his feelings, as it were, said to me "I don;t know what to say" - and it was enough - the point was he had acknowledged it and simply by saying something - anything - had told me he cared. After this experience I realise that fear of saying the wrong thing is something we all need to let go.

Posey · 18/09/2006 21:13

Some people really are terrified of saying the wrong thing or just of the whole issue of death. I think my dh was like that. He used every excuse not to go to a funeral (I'll look after kids, you go, I can't get out of work). Anyway an old school friend of his died, unexpectedly and dh had the job of letting other friends know. He hadn't seen his friend for years as he lived abroad but they were inregular email contact. He hadn't seen his family in years. He was so scared of going, really the fear was facing his mate's wife and mum. In the end he came back SOOOO happy that he'd gone. The mum was delighted to see him, all the family was, they talked openly about X, and they all said how happy they were that dh had been able to go.
However dreadful they feel, the bereaved family will appreciate, beyond words, a hug, an acknowledgement. They know you don't know what to say, they just don't want to be rejected or abandoned. They already feel that by their loved one dying.

Sorry, I've gone on. But I talk from personal experience.

Original poster

Miaou · 18/09/2006 21:15

I think all personal experience stories are valuable here posey (and hat)

OP posts:

Crystaltips · 18/09/2006 21:16

called my Mum yesterday - as it was to be her Mum's birthday ... although she's been dead for 10 years .... the memories don't fade ... she was so touched that I had remembered.
but

RTKangaMummy · 18/09/2006 21:18

When DT1 died I sent out a letter to everyone in our address book telling them all about DT1 and DT2 and what had happened

I told them that we wanted to be congratulated on having identical twins

I still get upset sometimes talking about DT1 but I totally agree the worst thing is when people ignore you and don't understand that it is better to talk, even if we do end up crying or having tears in our eyes

So please if you know someone that has had someone die in their family please send them a card to let them know you are thinking about them

Or send them a text

If they don't feel like responding then they will know you still love them and are thinking about them

ButtonMoon · 18/09/2006 21:21

It is so true...just say something like "sorry to hear that your dh/dp/dd/df had died....how are things?" I think people are afraid that you will cry and breakdown but remember that is ok too!! My dad passed away recently and I returned to work last week and NOT ONE person has said anything to me...not even the Head!!! Is makes you feel that nobody gives a shit. Mum has had a similar experience from her work....she worked there for 12 years and only recieved 4 cards and 1 phone call from a possible 150!!!! She is disgusted but as I said you def find out who your friends are when times are bad.

Original poster

Miaou · 18/09/2006 22:19

bump cos I want everyone to think about this

OP posts:

Yorkiegirl · 18/09/2006 22:24

Message withdrawn

mckenzie · 18/09/2006 22:28

thansk Miaou. By coincidence, I'm seeing a good friend tomorrow who just found out today that a friend of hers was killed on sunday.
I really do have no wise words for her at all to ease her pain but I shall tell her that at least and hold her if she would like to cry.

Uki · 19/09/2006 09:45

What I have taken from MUMSNET, AS ECHOED HERE AND IN OTHER THREADS IS THAT we should talk to people who have suffered any sort of loss or tragedy be it a death, accident, disease, stilbirth or even a miscarriage. Many people don't say anything even your own family when you suffer from one of these and that's hard. Old people are perhaps the best at saying things probably because they been through things themselves.

I wish we could all care so much more about the real stuff, than just wasting our time and money with "Hollywood"
rant over
big hugs to Yorkie and the womanwhothoughtshewasallthat

Original poster

Miaou · 19/09/2006 12:24

Uki, you are right.

(and wholly inappropriate here but am pmsl at "thewomanwhothoughtshewasallthat" hehehehe)

OP posts:

anorak · 19/09/2006 12:39

Our friend and neighbour died last week

We have given her husband open invitation to come here for dinner to try and help him as they have no children and he has an empty house to go home to every night.

Last night he came in and we had a great dinner together and he talked through the plans he's made for the funeral, and about the last few weeks in hospital, everything that had happened.

I think talking about every little thing is helping him to sort it all out in his mind.

I like talking about people I've loved and lost because I think they deserve to be remembered and be part of my life. It keeps them alive, in a way.

He is coming to dinner again tonight

dollyp · 19/09/2006 22:15

Great thread Miaou, thank you. Thinking of you YG, TWWTSWAH and RT, and others who have lost loved ones or received other terrible news.

zephyrcat · 19/09/2006 22:29

I would like to add something to keep this thread bumped.

My Nan died in May after keyhole surgery and I had a thread about it going on here. I was at home, on my own - dp at work and dd at a friends house. My family and the hospital were about 50 miles away so I couldn't get to her. I used MN as my 'someone to talk to' and the posts really kept me going that day when I needed it most.
Someone later on srtarted a bar I think saying something about getting away from the atmosphere/mood of certain threads today'Can't remember exactly but it was obviously me! It really hurt - I find it quite hard to understand that people think you should be shut away to grieve or shouldn't talk about it. If I hadn't had MN to talk to that day I don't think I'd have coped.

emsiewill · 19/09/2006 22:37

My mum died when I was 28, and I was the first of our group of friends to lose a parent. I will never forget who wrote to me / phoned me - even if it was just a card with "sorry to hear about your mum".

I will also never forget who didn't acknowledge what happened, and will always feel a distance from those people.

Dd1's best friend's mum died before the summer holidays. Dd's best friend is 9, her little brother is 6.

Dd and the group of friends have really rallied round the little girl, and I have been supporting dd, trying to help her think about the best way to help her friend etc. A hard hard lesson to learn at 9, but I hope it will stand her in good stead in later life.

havilland35 · 19/09/2006 23:41

hi, i lost my nan and grandad in june and nearly lost both my dad and husband in the same week.i was very angry with friends who i had known for years who didnt contact me.ive tried to consider that they didnt know what to say but i wish they had just sent a card or phoned me.just to say "if you need someone to talk to, i;m here" would have worked - i would have known they cared.

frumpygrumpy · 19/09/2006 23:44

anorak that's lovely

Gingerbear · 19/09/2006 23:45

me too Miaou, me too.
I was always one to hug and say banal things, but it doesn't matter what you say or do, just acknowledging the loss is the most important thing.

JoolsToo · 19/09/2006 23:47

yes anorak - I have a lump in my throat ....

havilland35 · 19/09/2006 23:54

theres a really old film with shirley temple in it who in a dream meets up with her grandparents who died previously. they tell her how pleased they are to see her and that they only come back to life whenever she remembers them.whenever i send a sympathy card i always put "people do not die till we forget to remember them" i know this idea helped my friend whos daughter died in a car accident.

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