Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

If I never take away anything else from Mumsnet, I will always remember this:

47 replies

Miaou · 18/09/2006 20:53

From Yorkiegirl yesterday:

"hear it from me everyone.

If you know someone who has lost someone like I have (or anyone close to them), please speak to them. Believe me, I feel much better when people come over and say hello. Sorry to hear your news etc. So much better than acting as if life is hunky dory. Cos its not and ignoring me makes it worse!"

And this from bubble:

"Marina described the 'having to go through a series of public 'meltdowns.' thing. And it's true. Kind words will do that..but they have to be said. Those words may make you feel worse at that moment in time but they'll also help the whole awful thing to become more 'real.'"

I will never, ever, avoid anyone who has just lost someone. I promise.

OP posts:

bubble99 · 20/09/2006 00:07

I wonder, you know. If it's different for men.

After Bo died and I was still in hospital with Elijah - Mr Bubble did all of the school-runs for DS1 and 2. He'd posted a picture of Elijah on all of the entrance doors and a brief account of what had happened. He said that he did this as he felt he had to 'keep it together' for the big Bubble Boys...that he didn't want them to see him crying and upset before they went into 6 hours away from him at school.

I remember him bringing the boys to the hospital one day after school and I was so angry that they had dirty uniforms on and had obviously not had a bath for days.. Angry, that is, until I saw the tears sliding down his face..He looked so tired and said that he'd managed to get home from school each day and that, once he'd shut the front door..the tears had come..

For him the kind words had made it worse.

bubble99 · 20/09/2006 00:10

And I'd never loved him more than when I saw his tears. And I felt so angry with myself for worrying about the feckin dirty uniforms.

bubble99 · 20/09/2006 00:11

And I've hijacked the spirit of this thread. I'm sorry.

MarsLady · 20/09/2006 00:18

bubble.... give Mr bubble a huge hug from me! I remember him posting about Bo and all I wanted to do was hold him.

threebob · 20/09/2006 01:38

When my auntie had a stillborn (over 20 years ago) my mum and dad explained it to us simply and said that my uncle would be upset.

My brother went straight up to Uncle and said "will you be getting a new wife now?"

Every adult was horrified, but apparently this got uncle talking about what had happened, and he was pleased that a little boy asked a question he (brother) really wanted answering rather than avoiding mentioning it.

frumpygrumpy · 20/09/2006 14:14

Ooooh bubble, I've gone and messed up my face with your story. I'm glad you told us that. Keeps life in focus xx.

israel · 20/09/2006 14:23

I remember being so, So sad after losing my second child early in pregnancy....after telling my daughter...she said,...'oh silly mummy losing a baby!!...did you lose it in Tescos???!!!'...what on earth she was thinking...I dont know....but it was the first time I had smiled in weeks.

Beccarolloveragain · 20/09/2006 14:23

sob at this thread

Original poster

Miaou · 20/09/2006 21:06

bubble, I keep thinking about what you said, oh that's so sad, poor MrBubble . And what you said about the kind words making it harder. So difficult for him. I keep going over it in my mind.

OP posts:

Yorkiegirl · 20/09/2006 21:10

Message withdrawn

BettySpaghetti · 20/09/2006 22:34

I read part of this thread yesterday and remembered it when I went out for a meal with some old work colleagues last night. One of them lost her husband last year so I made a point of talking to her, asking how she was doing and talked about her husband.

Her face lit up when talking about him. Thank you for giving me the courage (if thats not too strong a word to use?) to talk about her DH and not "avoid the issue"

Riddo · 21/09/2006 07:31

My first dh died after 2.5 weeks in ICU after being knocked down on a zebra crossing.I was 23 and we'd been married for 6 months.

I will never forget the friends who still spoke to me and supported me even though they were all grieving too. So many people avoided me because they obviously did not know what to say but even the cards which just said I was thought of meant so much.

Always mention it - it's always better - if people cry give them a hug and a tissue.

My second dh is lovely and still lets me cry when I need to even though this all happened in 1989. Part of the reason I love him is because he accepts my history and understands that it has made me who I am.

CapedCrusader · 21/09/2006 08:07

One of my mates mother died last week. I live abroad so haven't been able to see her. She doesn't have internet access or a mobile.

I was actually too scared to phone her bizarely so I just send a card.

After reading this thread yesterday I did eventually phone her last night, and we spoke for about 2 hours. Yes there were tears, but it was the best thing I ever did. Thank you.

frumpygrumpy · 21/09/2006 11:24

Riddo how sad, I'm glad you've found someone special again.

Caped Crusader, thats fantastic.

Anchovy · 21/09/2006 11:34

DH's brother was killed in an accident when he was 20 (DH was about 16, so now 25+ years ago). One of his brother's close friends still keeps in contact with my in-laws: occasional emails and cards, and has taken them out fo the odd meal. It really does mean the world to them to have a contact with this person and I am astonished by (and grateful for) his thoughtfulness and sensitivity in staying in touch.

RachelRose · 21/09/2006 15:09

Altough I'm still close to my friends, no-one talked to me about losing my second son at 21 weeks pg. There were a few text messages at the time, but nothing after that. I remember going out for a meal with people I knew from antenatal classes with DS1 aout 2 months after I'd lost the baby and I thought at least this group will understand, and no-one said anything, and I felt too awkward to bring it up... Talking to people about tough times is really a valuable lesson.

PeachyClairHasBadHair · 21/09/2006 15:54

My friend lost her brother to suicide one decmeber and her son the same way the next, she also lost her daughter at birth. On the anniversary alst year her sister telephoned her, whinged an hour about the binmen being late then hung up FGS!

(mush less significant but Dh's Mum never acknowledged our calls or e-mails telling her Sam had a Dx of ASD, and hasn't spoken to us since. if she ever does then I know I will never fully forgive that)

notsonervousmum · 21/09/2006 21:03

My dad died 15 years ago this month, in a nasty motorbike accident. I was 11 at the time. This year on the anniversary, my DP (as indeed my ex-H used to do), ignored the fact, thinking (in his words) - "i didn't want to upset you by reminding you". That day, i've never felt so alone, and sat crying for hours after DP had gone to work on his night shift

It is so, so important to acknowledge a death. All i wanted was a hug. Time heals, but it never fully goes away. My heart goes out to everyone on here that has suffered some form of loss, especially Yorkiegirl. NM x

frumpygrumpy · 21/09/2006 23:09

notsonervous thats sad. Bet you would have loved the support that day and a chance to remember all the nice stuff about your dad. Love to you.

emsiewill · 22/09/2006 15:32

My MIL (a genuinely nice woman who I love dearly) didn't send me a card on my first birthday after losing my mum, "because I didn't want to upset you, as you wouldn't be getting a card from your mum" . WTF is that about?

To be fair she had been great when my mum died, but still...

And I love to talk about my mum with the people that remember her - as someone said, it means she is still "here" in some way.

sunchowder · 22/09/2006 15:37

Thought I'd add this....my partner at work lost her mom about 4 weeks ago. We have been though a lot together and I am very supportive (I have lost both of my parents). After reading this thread, I realized I haven't asked her how she was feeling for probably longer than a week. I asked her how she was feeling yesterday and she said she had a hard day a few days before and then cut me off and said she really didn't want to talk about it. So of course I felt like a right idiot! Just thought I would bring some cheer over here! This will not change my willingness to speak to anyone about their loss, but I do believe that this is why people do have a hard time asking....

PeachyClairHasBadHair · 22/09/2006 15:50

I think we have to consider also those who don't ask because they genuinely think it will upset you (the MIl below sounds like this- wonder if that's how she felt losing someone and was trying to be kind, and though she might have it wrong it's still kind hearted) and those who don't ask because it makes trhem feel uncomfortable and they can't shove their self importance aside.

Flip

1 2